today was humiliating

today was humiliating.  I had to run for the bus, just a block and apparently I can’t even run a step or to……..

It was awful.  people teased me and then complained that I smelled because I was sweaty when I finally got the bus.  I hate people, I hate the world, I hate being this fat and useless.

Nobody cares that I lost 40lbs, nobody cares that a month ago I couldn’t walk a 1/4 of a mile without being exhausted and now I can walk a half mile, hardly stopping at all.   All I am is a super fat slobby ugly person.  I hate the world today.

getting bogged down in the mental


I am stuck in my progress for getting a job because of my seizure disorder - I need to get a medical clearance.  I wish I had just lied and not brought it up.

It’s consuming my thoughts, paralyzing me and making me forget it is just part of the picture.  I am SOOOOOOOOO UPSET and so frustrated and everybody is sick of listening to me bitch and moan about it!  ARRRRRGGGHHHH.  When is it going to start getting better damn it, I just want to work!!!!

a challenging day

got a lot of sleep last night and that is good, all though I am craving more and may have to nap (it’s a holiday - memorial day) TOM is kicking my butt.  Also very dehydrated, and that is weird, need to work on that today.  Weigh in went good 310 is the official number.  Didn’t binge this weekend and that is the first time in months and that is a big deal. I am just, literally too tired to make a bigger deal out of it this morning (and it’s 10am(

There is a lot to do, so I’d better get started.

I am soooooooo tired today, TOM?

I have no idea what is going on with my body.  I am exhausted.  I took a couple days off exercise for my back, I ate a lot, but within plan last night and today.  But I just can’t wake up and don’t know what is going on…

This next part is probably TMI and relates to menstrual cycles, but as some one else may be experiencing this or have insight…

My period is super heavy.  For months, I have had barely there, spotty periods that dragged on for a week and a half or more of light to moderate days with days of spotting on both ends.  Not so this week.  One day of spotting and then it was like the frigging flood gates opened.  Soaked tampons or pads every other hour - bleeding thru on to my under garments everytime.  I am like WTF?  my weight is still above 300, which is higher than I have been in years but down from 344 - but could it be related to losing weight?

Is my body catching up from months of so-so periods and so I have a lot to get through, hence the volume?  do I have undiagnosed PCOS?  I am dying in an ironic way?  I have no idea…

another problem derailed me today

when I am stressed out, I often let a problem stop me in my tracks. Today, forgetting that I had a drug test on tues, I had poppy seed dressing on my salad and I was so mad myself I let it pretty much make me say fuck it for the rest of the day. That is such a bad habit. I did a few things, but I pretty much didnt care anymore after that

didnt really over eat though, so thats ok

my back is killing me!

the first of the exercise related injuries is here! my back is killing me this morning. I will need to take it easy, I guess I pushed it to far to fast. If I can’t get past this back ache it is going to be an especially rough day.

walked 2 miles!

Walked to McDonald’s with the family and dog today to have lunch and I had a salad. I am pleased I am working on a no binge weekend and not eating my sad away. I guess I was just ready to make that change. I really am a one thing at a time person.

anyway, gonna have an alcoholic smoothie (fruits, orange juice and 1 shot of rum) with hubby for a mini date chill fest with hubby in a bit and plan to eat sensibly for dinner, might try to work in joining a gym this weekend. I might be ready for that.

last night was a bit better

I had a big dinner with some meat (chicken) some dairy (cream and tomato based sauce) and some grain (white rice) and very few veg (just the tomatoes in the sauce and some grilled onions with the kabab) It was a big meal, very filling and that was ok, because I had missed lunch running around doing trying-to-get-a-job related things.

But what was a first was no friday night sweet fest. True I didn’t eat any salad last night, but I didnt eat any bread or big bag of candy, which has become the common start of the binge fest that is my weekend right now. I don’t know if this is just a weird day (exhausted went to bed early) or if I can manage not to binge this weekend - that would be a good thing.

On the job front, just not gonna think about it right now and keep trying.

today was awful

Today was awful.  I barely slept last, even with sleeping pills.  I could tell the interview went badly - so even if I get into the training program, that is one job I won’t be getting.  At the background check for the training didn’t have my social security card and they wouldn’t accept any alternatives (so I have to get another one ASAP) and I didn’t know the exact month I moved to a different city in 1995 so on Tuesday I somehow have to get to a Drs apt at 10, squeeze in a visit to the social security office and then be back to complete my background check by 2, all by bus at locations all over the damn city just to get into a training program where I will be washing sick people’s behinds for 9 dollars an hour.

I burst into tears after that stupid interview while in the waiting room.  I am never going to get a job and my family is going to be homeless because we can’t pay our stupid bills and it’s my fault.

for some reason I am quite hungry -

I don’t know what is going on….

the diet soda maybe, I don’t drink much but we ate out tonight.  Could have been teriyaki chicken - that’s pretty sweet, blood sugar changes maybe.  Dunno, gonna try to ride it out, bummer though.