Losingmore

Where to start?  I have filled out this about me thing so many times in the past, I don’t even know what to say anymore….

I wasn’t always fat.  I spent my childhood at a very average weight. I was never involved in any sports or any kind of structured physical activities…my mother was a single mother since I was eight years old due to a bitter divorce.  With that said, my mother did not have the resources to put us kids ( I have two brothers) in any kind of activities.  I also, was not very competitive when it came to physical activities.  I would much rather compete with my mind instead of my body.  I don’t remember being any “good” at most physical things..  I also had a horrible gym teacher when I was in elementary school, who always favored the athletic type people, and never fostered the ones, like myself, who struggled to be good at competitive sports. She made gym class down right unbearable sometimes.  I would love to track her down, and tell her what a horrible impact she had on my life all those years ago, about how she left me with nothing but negative feelings about exercise…. but I can’t remember her name…and well, it has been A LOT of years…maybe she is even dead.  Who knows?  Anyway….I was really glad when I got to high school and I no longer needed to take gym classes.  I wish they would have focused on being physically fit, instead of being an athlete all those years.  Not all of us are cut out to be athletes.  Some strength training, or dance lessons, or even aerobics would have maybe made me more accepting of exercise as an adult.  Anything that got the physical competition out of the picture.  I really believe I would feel a little differently about exercise today…but you can’t change the past…just move forward.

I went to college and Nursing school, and pretty much was still an acceptable weight for my height.   5′5″ 120-130 lbs.  After Nursing school, I got a job at a local hospital working 11pm - 7am.  This was when things began to get out of control.  Working those hours really screwed me up.  I was eating things at 2am and 4am and having BIG meals at 8am and then going to bed.  I could have used some exercise too….but didn’t really see how important it was back then.  I was up to 150-160 lbs.  I worked there, on the night shift, for 8 years until I quit to be a stay at home mom.  During those eight years, I got married and had two kids.  I didn’t really gain excessively with either pregnancy, but I kept 10 lbs on with each one….I finally realized I really needed to do something….I was up to 170 pounds when I left.

I joined Jazzercise and did that for several years.  I liked it….a lot!  I didn’t really change my diet, but I did lose some weight.  Not a lot, but some.  I wasn’t really that educated on what “healthy” eating was, and really thought dieting was the way to go if I wanted to lose some real weight.  I never really much gave thought about “what to do” when a diet is over.  I guess I just figured once the weight was gone, everything would be great…and I could go back to eating all the things I like, whenever I want.  Then I got pregnant again…not planned, but welcomed.  I continued with Jazzercise as long as I could.  I felt good.  After the baby was born, I tried to get back to jazzercise, but it was hard.  Previously, I had been taking the two kids to my moms, going to Jazzercise class, and then picking them up and coming back home three times a week.  DH never helped.  He never helped at home.  He owns a business that requires him to be at work so much of the time, I was kind of on my own when it came to the house and kids. ( still am…but they are older, and IT IS easier)   I guess that was our deal though, he worked, I stayed home and took care of the kids and things.  I am not bitter…this is just how it was.  It just became too much of a hassle to cart the kids to my moms so I could have an hour of exercise and then lug them back home and then put them to bed.

So I stopped going to Jazzercise.  I kept another 10 lbs on after the third, plus a few.  Made way to many trips to Mcdonalds!  Things were not good.  I joined 3fc in April 2003, and found the support I needed to make some success.  It was not an easy road.  It was a sucky, hard road.  I did, however, manage to lose 30+ pounds…but didn’t keep it off.  And here I am today, with those 30 and then some.

I am not looking to lose enough weight to be skinny again.  LOL  My grandmother was way overweight, my mother is way overweight….there is something to be said for genetics.  Both of them were not fat kids nor young adults either.  Not that it is an excuse, but that it is an obstacle for some to overcome.  I just want to get rid of some of this weight to:

1.  avoid medical problems because of my weight

2.  get dressed up and actually think to myself  ” I look good”

3.  stop being embarrassed for my husband to see me naked and stop being disgusted by what I see when I   look at myself naked

4.  shop for clothes in a size that doesn’t end in an X

I have been here long enough to know what I need to do to accomplish these.  I just need to make my mind up and do them….and do them consistently.  That is a big problem for me….consistency.

Everyday I am getting older, everyday getting closer to menopause.  I know each day I wait, the struggle will get increasingly more difficult. If I don’t stop this cycle now….when?