Yo-yo no more

I find it mildly humorous that the title of this whole blog is “Yo-yo no more” yet that’s exactly what keeps happening. Maybe I should just find a different name for it…..or maybe I should do something really crazy and stick to it! WHOA!

I weighed (again) last week. 197.8.  W.T.F? UGH!!!!!  And my size 16 jeans that were once getting loose on me…well, they’ve been retired so I can get into my size 18 jeans.

FRUSTRATION!!!!

So.

Here I am.  Again.

I’ve started back on Weight Watchers (or making an effort to start back on Weight Watchers)

annnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnd I’ve done 2 days of Jillian Michaels’ 30-day Shred.

*sigh*

Weight: 196.4

Yep.

I let life take over and I gained weight back.

A bunch.

Blech!

However….I’ve been really doing a lot of soul searching.

I’ve divorcing my husband (this is a good thing!).  This also means that on my horizon is the possibility of dating again. (this is also a good thing). I get a fresh start. Fresh start & a healthy me.  Yes, please!

My grandpa was diagnosed this past week with sarcoma (a rare & pretty well untreatable cancer).  Because of that I’ve thought long and hard about the end of my own life.  There are so many things I’m sure I’ll regret when I come to the end of my life.  My health, however, is one thing that I can improve on NOW!  I can be the healthiest person that I know how to be.

My kids. It scares me to be training them to live an unhealthy lifestyle.  So that change starts with me and can be passed to them!  They’ve played T-ball this year and I’m wanting to get them into soccer and dance and other “exercise” related activities.

So….I’m back on it.

I weighed in last Friday at 196.4.

I’ll, once again, set some goals.

See where I land.

- 0.4 pound from yesterday / -4.6 pounds since starting the fast

My mood yesterday I’ve noticed that my thoughts about all the other food I “used” to eat pre-fast are getting more and more frequent.  Chicken Tikka Masala, Chocolate, Tilapia, Eggs, etc. I definitely miss my meat! But I’m still feeling good.  As previously noted I’m on my period.  Typically on this time of month I just want to lay around and do nothing all day - but I’ve felt like cleaning, playing outside with the kids and just being active.  That, to me, is a HUGE deal! Yesterday I was really sensitive and cried easily (comes with the TOM territory) and it was generally a stressful day for personal reasons.  Had there been an Indian restaurant here in town I probably would have gone and buried my sorrows in a plate of Chicken Tikka Masala.  But there was also alternatives here, I could have had blueberry pancakes, french fries, peanut butter w/ syrup stirred in…but the weird thing was that instead of turning to the food, I opted to eat an Orange and then take care of the stress via thinking it out, praying it out and crying it out.  That’s the first time in a LONG time that I didn’t RUN to “bad” foods. That’s a milestone for me and one that I hope I can keep up with for sure.

What I ate: oranges, cherries, blueberries, strawberries, peanut butter (all natural), raisins, bananas, for dinner, OMGoodness!!!!  I made red (& black beans) and cilantro lime rice. All organic, all chemical free, all natural, all OUT OF THIS WORLD AWESOME! I was way impressed with it.  My mom made some home made guacamole that I ate with it.  It was so good!.

This fast isn’t hard. At least it isn’t for me.  I’m an eater. I love food. I typically eat healthy. I’m not having to starve myself on this thing. It just forces me to be a little more creative with what I make.  It’s a challenge in that aspect, but it’s a challenge in a good way.  It’s a good thing for my brain to have to work a little.

-0.6 pound since yesterday / -4.2 pounds since starting the fast

My mood yesterday: Yesterday was a good day. I still feel energized (and that’s NUTS for me being on my period right now) I have noticed, however, that I’ve started craving animals. hahah! That sounds terrible.  My mom made eggs for dad yesterday morning.  I smelled it throughout the house (not that eggs typically smell up a whole house, but maybe my senses were really tuned in).  And I could almost taste egg!  I also daydream about Chicken Tikka Masala and iHop stacked pancakes.  I’m not typically a “bad” eater as it is - but eating so strictly…well…it’s playing with my brain…or it could be that I’m on my period and so instead of just craving chocolate, I’m craving any kind of “naughty” foods.  I WILL make it a week! Then I’m planning on a rest day this Sunday (namely because I have a wedding to shoot & that would be hard to plan for), then I’ll go back on it for another 7 days, then a day off because of another wedding. Then finish it up with another 7 days. This is the plan thus far.  One thing I did notice…

****TMI ALERT TMI ALERT BOWEL MOVEMENTS MENTIONED IN THE NEXT FEW SENTENCES!!****

on day 2, I had a HUGE, I’m talking the size of a small child HUGE, bowel movement.  I thought “wow, this thing is really working to get my bowels back to normal.  No more rabbit pellets.  But yesterday and this morning, it’s back to pellets. Granted, these aren’t as hard to…well…push out? (so sorry for the descriptions) But, I don’t understand that.  I don’t consider that constipation. I’m still pooping. I just thought that eating so much fruit/veggies and drinking SO much water - would even me out.  Who knows?

What I ate: Corn salad, spinach salad (w/ dressing made out of extra virgin olive oil, red wine vinegar, salt, pepper, garlic & paprika), cherries, fruit salad (banana, apple & orange), blueberries, sauteed veggies (onion, mushrooms, zucchini & garlic in extra virgin olive oil), oranges, mixed nuts.

- 1.4 pounds from yesterday / -3.6 pounds since starting the fast

My mood yesterday: I woke up actually feeling rested.  The day went on as normal.  Then around 5:00 last night I got a surge of energy!  I felt like a tazmanian devil! Did all the laundry, washed all the sheets, bathed both kids, trimmed fingernails/toenails, cleaned the room, swept, dusted, etc. All before going to bed myself around 10.  Wow!  I don’t remember the last time that I felt that much energy.

What I ate: banana, peanut butter, raisins, mixed nuts, veggie soup, cherries, oranges.  And I think it’s important to note that I’ve taken my daily vitamin.

I think it’s also important to note that today I start my period.  Let me point out that I lost 1.4 pounds since yesterday.  I NEVER, EVER, EVER lose weight before my period - especially the day before.  While I’m not doing this fast for the weight loss (I’m doing it for the cleansing), it does my brain good to see that I’m coming down again in the scales.

I’m, once again, excited about today.  I need to go get more raisins.  Seems that my “go to” meal is peanut butter with raisins and e

-2.2 pounds.  I think a lot of that was purely water weight from the bloat that I felt from the past week and a half of food debauchery. But, I needed to get that off anyway.  Great start to the fast!

Yesterday was day 1 of the fast.  I was excited about it, eating CLEAN! No animal products, no dairy, no sugar, no chemicals. My body was ready for this.  So, eating so well all day wasn’t hard for me at all.  I started off the day with a pear, some cherries & some walnuts and tons of water until I could get to the store to shop properly.  I went grocery shopping and bought mixed nuts, all natural peanut butter, canned beans to make a bean/rice casserole later this week, hummus, spring water (have to drink spring or distilled water), raisins, bananas, cherries (OMGoodness! The produce section has the best cherries I’ve ever put in my mouth), blueberries etc.

On this fast you have to eat chemical free, meaning those canned goods, peanut butter, red wine vinegar etc…can’t have preservatives or any other chemicals in them.  I was SHOCKED as to how many labels I had to read to find this.  I got Smuckers Natural Chunky Peanut butter.  Ingredients list: peanuts. HA! Loved it! And it actually tastes really good! GREAT protein.  I eat it with raisins and a banana.  My mom made the most amazing corn salad last night: corn, tomatoes, black beans, cilantro, lime, avocado & jalapeno.  My dinner last night was a sweet potato, corn salad & a leaf salad (salad greens, naval orange, red onion & a salad dressing made of Extra virgin olive oil, red wine vinegar, salt & pepper).  I’m excited to do this again today.

My mood yesterday: Tired (exhausted doesn’t even cover it! I was nodding off all day long while sitting upright.  I don’t remember the last time I was THAT tired!), bloated, at times I even started sweating out of the blue & a slight headache all day.  All of that could have been a coincidence or it could have all been related to not eating crap.  We’ll see how today goes.  As of right now, I feel really good! Actually feel like I have a little bit of energy! WOOHOO!  My mom asked how I felt yesterday, if I felt like I was missing something by not eating more “freely”.  I didn’t even really notice.  There was one point where my mom had made pasta salad for the kids dinner & while I was plating it up for them I realized that I was having to keep myself from taking “just one bite”.  But I succeeded. I think a lot of it was just pure excitement of doing this.  So, we’ll see if that feeling wears off as the week goes on.  Especially because my special visitor is supposed to come this week….what timing! haha!

What I ate: a pear, banana, walnuts, orange, natural peanut butter, sweet potato, corn salad, mixed salad, water (right at a gallon), mixed nuts, raisins, cherries.

The past week & a half has not been kind to me.   2 weeks ago, I weighed 189.2 or so.  As of this morning, 194.8!!!  I went on a food binge of epic proportions this past week.  I’m not sure that those 5+ pounds are “fat pounds” but a mixture of fat pounds and water weight. But I feel lousy!

My soon-to-be ex husband came to town a week ago.  His indecision on whether or not he wanted to see the kids, the conversations he wanted to have, and just his mere presence in the same state I was in stressed me to the max.  So much, in fact, that heart flutters that I haven’t had to mess with in over 8 months came back. Not only did they come back but they came back in the way that they were around in 2006 after I had our second baby & postpartum depression.  I KNEW that I was beyond stressed when they started happening.  I hadn’t felt them that way in 4 years!!!  Amazing to me.  So, to say that I turned to food to “hold me” is an understatement.  When I’m in Tulsa, my BFF and I will splurge on our favorite Indian cuisine (Chicken Tikka Masala).  This past week, I had it 3 times! THREE TIMES!!!! I ate out for every meal except for one.  I started feeling like a bucket of grease and lard.

Since I’ve gotten home from Tulsa, I’ve felt like crap.  I feel sluggish, tired, depressed, bloated…like I can’t “suck in” enough when I have clothes on.  I shot a wedding this past weekend and saw myself in some pictures…I looked disgusting!  So, the more I’ve thought about it & talked about it with my mom - the more I’ve realized that I need to flush out my body.  So I’ve looked & looked at cleanses and fasts.  I’ve finally decided on the Daniel Fast.  This one is based on scripture and it really looks like one I can follow (and enjoy).  I may (depending on how things go with this one) follow it up by a full on colon/liver cleanse.  I just feel run down.

On the Daniel Fast, I can eat any fruit & vegetable that my heart desires.  This makes me happy. I love fruits and veggies.  I can also eat whole grains, legumes, quality oils & spices.  The foods that I have to avoid: all meat & animal products, all dairy products, all sweeteners, all leavened bread (incl. ezekial bread), all refined/processed foods, all deep fried foods, all solid fats, all beverages (except for water).

The fast is supposed to last for 21 days.  Now, this is where I’ll probably deviate.  I know for a fact that I have no where to go for the next 6 days, then I have to be in Tulsa for a wedding. Then I’m again freed up for another 5 days.  I’m going to try my hardest to do the fast for at least a full week.  If I can do it for the full week then I’ll go for another.  I’m going to try to do a full 21 days, but I do know that there is a wedding in there that has full coverage, meaning that I’ll be shooting for 10+ hours - and in doing this typically I’ll eat whatever the bride provides for me for lunch, etc.  We’ll see.

So, this will be day 1. I’ll try to remember to report back later tonight as for what I ate, how I feel, etc.

I’ve had a lot going on in my life as of late. For me, when I go through any big change in my life I always feel so relieved to be able to get it out of my system and on paper.  Typically as a teenager it was just all about the boys I had crushes on and how our wedding would be SO grand!

Life these days, however, isn’t so simple.

The man I married and I separated in September.  We have 2 kids together. I’ve said it before but it was a textbook toxic relationship and I never realized exactly the affect this had on me until I was outside of the relationship.  Since we’ve split I am a new person!  I’ve never felt more healthy mentally, emotionally, spiritually…

I have talked to an attorney and am in the process of filing for divorce (I can’t tell you how much this excites me!!!)  I’ll have full custody of my monkies and he’ll have a lot of regret someday for disappearing out of their lives.  He’ll miss their first days of school, their t-ball games, soccer games, school plays…but he’s content to live like a single man, pretending he has no responsibilities.  He’s had it so good since September.  He is living with another woman, has hardly any bills to pay and hasn’t had to send me a dime!  (he has sent me money from time to time when I’ve asked him to…).  This will all change once the divorce is final.  The state will see to it that he pays.  It’ll be interesting to see how he responds to being held accountable.

I’ve been living with my parents (plus my kiddos) since September.  I can’t tell you how excited & anxious I am to get out on my own!!! Don’t get me wrong, my parents are amazing! But, I can’t wait to have my own house to clean, my own kitchen to cook in, be able to get the kids and myself on our own little routine.  I was made to be a wife, a mother, a caretaker.  Cleaning, cooking, grocery shopping, laundry, organizing, keeping some kind of routine…they all bring me such great pride & happiness.  So, though I’ll be a single mom, I can still do all of those things!

I’m a photographer and when the hubby and I split, he’s kept the business we started and I’ve had to start from scratch.  This is not a fun thing to have to do.  So, needless to say it’s been really slow.  I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m going to have to get a job.  I miss having steady, regular, dependable income.  And in order to move out, I have to have that.  I am actually excited to work again. To feel like I’m providing for my family. The kids start Kindergarten & Pre-K this year, so I can work while they’re at school and not have to worry about not being there when they get home in the afternoon.  I can just feel God opening so many doors for my and my little family & it brings me so much excitement!!

I’d also like to finish my degree in Psychology. Have a back-up plan.  Psychology is something I’ve ALWAYS enjoyed but the soon to be ex didn’t want me being a psychologist because he didn’t want me in a room with people who were “messed up in the head”.  So, I stopped my education.

As I see it, you can look at the hardships & the rough times in your life in two different ways: You can take on the “woe is me” mentality, sink into a depression, hole up in your bed and douse your problems in chocolate chip cookies & potato chips OR you can CHOOSE to look for the good in ANY situation. When my husband told me that not only did he no longer love me but he wasn’t sure if he ever loved me…sure, it stung, it hurt, I cried…but at the end of the day, I saw this as an opportunity for a fresh start.  It’s a chance to give my kids things in life that their dad wouldn’t, a chance to start over with love and find a man that not only will love me & my monkies…but also will appreciate the heart, the mind, the spirit that God’s given me. It’s a chance for me to really find my equal.  Not only that but a chance to prove to myself that I don’t NEED a husband to succeed.  I want to be one of those single-mother success stories.  One that my kids can look back years from now and say “wow…my mom freaking rocks!  she fought so hard for us! She worked SO hard so that we wouldn’t have to go without.  she loved us so much that she did all these things for us. she didn’t walk out on us.”

A loss is still a loss and these days I’ll take what I can get!

So, I didn’t make it to my lowest weight ever (188.6), but I didn’t get back up into the 190’s either. And, I’m 0.6 pounds closer to my lowest weight.  So…YAY!

No ticker for it this week though. I’ll only do those if I lose a full pound or more.

I should be happy about the 1 pound loss, and that I’m in the 180’s, AND that I’m only 1.8 pounds from my lowest adult weight on this here weight loss trip. But I’m bummed that in 3 weeks, I only lost 1 pound! I have several theories though. The most logical? I only really started measuring out EVERYTHING I eat and faithfully keeping up with my points about a week and a half ago. PLUS, I did start my period today so there should be some form of “bloat” going on. We’ll see come the next weigh-in. But I’ve resigned myself to be happy about it. A new decade to lose YAY!

So I have 8 weeks and 3 days before the Michael Buble’ concert to lose 6 pounds. SO WAY doable that I may change that goal. That would blow my mind to be able to do that. I still need to go through and change up my “weights” tab up top

In other news, I’m having a girls day with my BFF this weekend. I am SOOOOOOO excited about it! I’m sure there will be Chicken Tikka Masala involved. *giggle*. I actually sat up last night and tried to find some different nutritional info. places so I could figure up the points for it. Yep, I’m officially hardcore!