Yo-yo no more

Blog from 4/07/08

********LONG BLOG AHEAD, ENTER AT YOUR OWN RISK*****

I have written about my love of food a few times.  It is no secret that it’s a huge part of how I became huge.  Two battles I find myself constantly fighting are anxiety and gluttony.  No doubt the two go hand and hand. 

I am doing a Bible study by Beth Moore called “Living Free”.  It has been an eye opener to me.  On day 2 of the study, I silently prayed that God would reveal to me what I needed to hear.  I had just been in the midst of fighting off an anxiety attack (that I don’t suffer with those anymore [merely only battle them] un-medicated is in itself a miracle of God).  So, I was just in the midst of fighting one off which is why I decided to spend some time in the word.  As I said, I silently said a prayer that God would speak to me through the day’s study.  The very first sentence of that day’s Bible study said “When Satan wages war against us, the primary battlefield is in the mind”.  A huge smile broke on my face as I knew it was God speaking to me.  It went on to say “…the enemy’s chief target is the mind because the most effective way to influence behavior is to influence thinkin.  Our minds are the control centers of our entire beings.”.  Wow! 

Until this past weekend, I only thought of those words in relation to my battle with anxiety attacks.  I have a slight case of hypochondria.  Hypochodria all starts in your mind, when Satan wants to attack…he’ll start in your mind. So, there ya go.  However, this past weekend I realized that this also goes hand in hand with my addiction and my reliance upon food. Some people will read that sentence and think I am absolutely insane!  Some people can eat merely to get nutrients they need.  Other people like to indulge every once in a while and can do so and not think twice about it.  A handful, like myself, use food as a drug, kind of like a binky to a toddler.  For those of you who can’t understand, I’m going to try to explain it as best I can.

As a lot of you know, I have lost 40 pounds since August 2007.  I did this by following Weight Watchers.  Don’t get me wrong, Weight Watchers got me on a path of better eating.  I will always hold Weight Watchers in high regards.  But, for someone such as myself, I could use Weight Watchers points to divulge in foods that were unhealthy.  I would use this to my advantage and use it to make me feel better.  “Yes, that is insert fat and sugar loaded food here, but I have enough points for it.  I was eating good (I’m love chicken, fish, fruit, veggies, etc.).  But I was still issuing excuses and disclaimers for eating junk food.  I’m not one of those people who can eat just one chip or just one oreo.  If I have one, I will find a way to sneak off and devour the entire bag or box.  I always implemented the “when I’m on PMS the hormones take over and I can’t control myself” excuse.  I have just absolutely been abusing my body from the inside with what I’ve put in it. 

This past weekend on the way to my parents house, Brett was talking about something that he saw in a random muscle magazine.  It made perfect sense to me.  In a nutshell, I have had an epiphany. 

So, what did Brett read that just clicked with me?  He said that we need to learn that food should only be used as fuel for our body.  Eat what is good for you only to replenish your body’s needs.  Anything more than that is unnecessary and it’s harming your body. And he asked me “why”.  Why do you eat the foods you do?  What is it about chocolate or salty chips that can make you feel happy?  

And it hit me….duh!  I actually sat in the car and got depressed thinking that I could never again sit and eat a bag full of Funyans, go hog wild at the clearance chocolate sale after Easter, etc.  That was when it really hit me that for so long, food was a place for me to get away from it all.  You’ve heard me say it before, but I’m gonna say it again.  Just thinking about chomping down on a plate of french fries and ketchup can make me happy.  The thought of eating an oreo dipped in milk can make me feel warm and fuzzy. Food helped me not be bored.  If I didn’t have anything else to do… I’d eat.  That would help pass time. I finally realized that I have an absolute and total relationship with food that is so unhealthy and so grotesque! 

It makes me sick to my stomach to think about all the things I have shoveled in my ever ready mouth over the years.  I remember going to Lonestar Steakhouse nearly once a week with friends and getting the cheese-fries loaded with bacon and ranch dressing…. eating it and guzzling down a Dr. Pepper.  But WHY did I do that? What purpose did that food serve for my body?  I remember every morning when I worked at Presleys, I’d go in and buy a Snickers bar and a Dr. Pepper for breakfast.  But WHY did I do that?  What purpose did that serve my body?  I can remember sitting in my room with a bag of Funyans and a Mt. Dew and eating the entire thing.  Why?  What purpose did it serve my body?  We used to make pans of triple chocolate brownies and eat them all!  But why?  What purpose did it serve my body.  I know, I know… it tastes good. But there are ways to make food that’s good for you taste good too. Because it’s what my family has always done?  Yes… and my family has always been obese.  It’s what we do to socialize.  So, you can’t talk without eating greasy, fatty, sugary, food? I’m Baptist… it’s in our laws and coventants to eat.  HA! :o)  I can splurge every once in a while. Sure, and porn in moderation isn’t as bad as porn on a daily basis….. you see where I’m going with this? I can’t quite wrap my mind around why I “needed” food the way I did.  But, I do know that it’s an area in my life which needs help!

2 years ago, I gave up all forms of caffeine (except for the occasional chocolate).  I had started having heart flutters from it.  Those heart flutters caused me anxiety attacks over dying from heart disease.  Those anxiety attacks caused me more heart flutters (see how it’s all hand in hand?).  Giving up caffeine was HUGE to me. I survived and feel better since I’ve done it. But now, it’s time for me to take the next step.  I truly, truly want my body to be a temple for God.  I intend to give up my mindless eating.  I only want to use food as a tool in refueling my body.  I only want to eat nutritious foods.  Anything else has no purpose in my body.

I actually was tested tonight in this.  I was supposed to go have “me” time and I was going to do my Bible study at a local coffee shop.  I have had a frustrating day today and was looking forward to my “me” time.  I got to the coffee shop - and it closed 5 minutes before I got there.  This added to my day.  So, where did my thoughts lead my hands to drive?  Braum’s.  I got in line, ordered a jr. cheeseburger, fries and a shake.  I sat in line waiting to pay and had a conversation with myself.  I had eaten before I left the house (tuna fish, lettuce, cottage cheese).  I wasn’t hungry, I didn’t feel hungry.  I was just wanting to soothe my frustration from the day.  So, I got out of line and drove off.  I was halfway home and saw Sonic.  I got in line to order a jr. cheeseburger and a hot fudge sundae.  I again asked myself why I was wanting to eat.  So, I got out of line and came home. 

It will be a long road for me with detoxing.  We’ll still go out to eat (there are healthy alternatives at any restaurant), we’ll still have game nights (I’ve learned some great “healthy” recipes).  I just have to stop with the mindless bingeing.  This is no-doubt a part of my life that Satan has had control over and reading through this Bible study has made me really examine all of those parts of my life in which I’ve given Satan control - and now I’m taking control back and giving it to God!