Yo-yo no more

Well, I’m feeling a lot better today.  My anxiety-ridden day was 2 days ago, and I think I’ve recovered to the point of not feeling like I’m going to die. I’m almost positive it was due to DH going back to work after so long.  Don’t get me wrong, I know that we need him to have this job…. and I am so grateful for it.  So, at this point in time I can’t afford to have psychological problems - maybe later in life…. ha! just kidding!!!

I’ve been home from my parents house (aka the week of food debauchery!).  It has felt SO good to get back on plan and on points and back to the land of low sodium and fat free!!!! *cue the angels singing hallelujah* Maybe that’s what caused my anxiety attack - my body had salt, sugar, and deep fried foods for a week, then I took it all away and my body said WTF!!!!!!! lol  So glad I can laugh about that now.   The scale is already down a pound….. hopefully by weigh-in on Monday I’ll be able to reach down to 214…. *fingers crossed*

 And, now for a new quote I found that I like….. this is by “anonymous” (that guy has a lot of quotes!)

You don’t drown by falling in the water. You drown by staying there.

Well…. I’m exactly one week out from my “predicted ovulation” date…. but - I’m on the verge of another anxiety attack.  This one…. spurred by a dizzy spell earlier.  I know that your body has ways to do things to trick you out.  And, I also know that Satan has that same power. 

Well, today my husband started a new job.  He hasn’t worked since January.  So, from January until now (8 months) we’ve been home together every day.  So, he left around 7:30 this morning to go to work.  I’m here by myself with my 2 kids and I started babysitting a little boy today also.   It doesn’t really come as that much of a surprise that I’m trying to have an anxiety attack today though.  But, it doesn’t help.

 I was cleaning my daughter up from breakfast (about 15 minutes ago).  And, I all of the sudden felt dizzy.  It lasted for all of 2 seconds.  From there, my brain went into a tailspin of what if I have a tumor, stroke, bloodclot, cancer……….. and I went through all the things that could be causing my dizzy spell that lasted 2 seconds.  Of course, every answer I came up with is life-threatening.  It couldn’t possibly be due to the fact that today is a moderately stressful /  sad day with my DH having to be gone 10 hours at a new job when I’m used to seeing him everyday, all day long.  But, I can’t convince my inner thoughts of that.   My inner thoughts all go to what could be killing me….. being taken away from my young kids and having an incurable disease!  I’ve really got to stop watching “House”…….

So, I decided to come in here and write down everything I’m feeling - in some weird way that helps to get me through the attack.  Like being in therapy almost.

I know that Satan is attacking me.  That is for certain.  He knows that we’ve waited and waited and struggled for 8 months while neither of us had a job…. we’ve had to do all but beg our families for money just to keep our heads above water.  So……. what pleasure it would bring the devil for me to call my husband and have him come home early on his first day of work.  That move alone could possibly cost my husband his job….. I know that Satan would love that - so he’s attacking ME because I am weak one.  Especially when it comes to things that are medically wrong with me (yes, I have been a hypochondriac since I was a really little girl…… I remember being about 8 years old, having my mom feel my not-even-there breast because I thought I felt a lump).  I can trace my anxiety attacks starting at one of the most stressful times in our lives last year when DH moved to Oklahoma to start a new job and I was still in Missouri having to take care of the kids and try to sell our house.  That’s when they started.  It always feels the same - the dizzy spell, cold tingly sensation down my neck and spine….. and then *WHAM*….. feeling of dread, doom, and despair.  It’s taken me to 2 emergency rooms and 1 emergency clinic.  At one time I wanted to save up money to have doctors do every possible test on me to detect any disease that I could possibly have… I know that that isn’t humanly possible, but I think that if I could get that done maybe my hypochodriac-isms would fade away…..

 So, I found this great forum for people just like me and when I’m having my problems, I write here and read there (it’s in my list of links)…… and I feel better….. amazing, huh?

So, Satan, I lift my middle finger to you - and stick my tongue out…. I am a child of God, you can not beat me… you may put up a good fight, but in the end - Children of God always win!

P.S. Weigh-in blog coming later today….

Hello everyone! I’ve had a fairly decent day. I started feeling like another anxiety attack was coming on today - but it never got full blown! (Thank you God!). I’ve noticed that my anxiety attacks coincide with either my ovulation or my PMS days. So, I’m starting to think it’s all hormonal. Maybe through my blog, I can get a better idea of when it happens. I know that according to the site that I keep a record of my periods and PMS on (there’s a link in my link section) - I was supposed to have ovulated around the 22nd - which my bad anxiety attack happened on the 21st! Silly hormones! I’m going to start making a note of when I have anxiety attacks/ symptoms - and then see if there’s any link between the ovulation and PMS (both of which involve a change in hormones).

I’ve done great with my points the last few days! It makes me so proud that I’m learning about portion control. I don’t ever feel hungry anymore - yet I’m eating less than I used to! Having to measure my food has really opened my eyes to how I was living/eating the past 20 some-odd years! I want to make sure that my kids grow up learning how to eat right (and learn that they can have treats and not have to be deprived as long as they learn about moderation!). I never learned that, and in fact - I think I probably learned to rely on eating as a comfort from my mother. I don’t *blame* her for my obesity at all, but if you were to look at my moms side of the family, you’d see that she and a 3 out of 4 of her sisters are obese, and that the ones that are obese all eat either out of boredom or out of comfort. And, seeing how as depression runs (no…GALLOPS) in my moms family - they did a lot of eating through their depressions! So, I’m determined to break that cycle so that my 2 and 1 year olds don’t pick it up. I want to break the cycle of emotional eating and of depression in my family!!!

Lastly - for those of you who believe in the power of prayer and in the power of God Almighty - please pray for my husband and myself on Monday. I can’t really write much about it now - but I will certainly write about it after it’s all over. On Monday, we have a HUGE court date coming up. This is the HUGE stress-laden fiasco that’s been going on since January. It has caused us SO much undue stress and emotional problems… and it could all end Monday. So, please believe with me in prayer that God will work on our behalf on Monday.

Okay - it’s 1:30 in the morning, and I need to get some sleep!!!!

Thanks for letting me vent, yet again! This is so much cheaper than therapy… haha!

Until next time

Lady J

Around July of last year (2006) , I started having anxiety attacks. My doctors figured that it all originally started with having Post-Partum depression after my daughter was born last February (2006). Then, in July, my husband moved to Oklahoma to get a job and get established while I stayed in Missouri (with our 2 kids) to sale our house. So, add all of that stress in with PPD and *viola* anxiety attacks abound.

I was put on medication to help with depression / anxiety in September of last year. It worked to level me out. At that time, I was having anxiety attacks 2, 3, 4, or more times a day! It was hell!! I would feel a warm tingling sensation starting at my head and it would work its way down my body. I’d feel the need to gasp for a breath of air… not so much from not feeling like I could breathe - but just that the sensation would catch me by surprise. Then I’d feel a heaviness in my chest (not pain - just heaviness) and my stomach would start wrenching. From there, my heart would race, my face would feel flushed, and I’d feel such a sense of not being in control of my body. I’d get so scared I was having a heart attack, or that I was going to pass out. In fact, I was so sure I was dying, I went to the emergency room twice, a cardiac center once, and an after hours emergency care clinic once. All from July 2006 - December 2006. I wore a Holter Monitor twice (both times for a 24 hour period) and had 3 EKGs done. All conclusions were that they couldn’t find anything wrong with my heart. All the symptoms that I was having was all attributed to anxiety. So, I was on medication from September 2006 until January 2007. I weaned myself off of the medicine because I was convinced that it was the reason why I wasn’t able to lose weight. I have done wonderful being off of the meds. I’ll have an anxiety attack once in a blue moon. Today was that blue moon. The last time I had an anxiety attack was probably 3 weeks ago. Today I was sitting in the livingroom and felt that tell-tell warm tingling. I knew exactly what was happening and what was about to happen - but nothing can fool my brain. Even though I know it’s just anxiety - my brain goes into overdrive about death and heart attacks. Luckily I’m on the other side of it now. The after effect of an anxiety attack is that I just cry. I cry because I let myself get worked up over it, I cry because of how much of an emotional overload it causes me, I cry because I hate feeling anxiety attacks - and I just want to be normal. I want to be how I was before the anxiety attacks originally started (back in 2006). So - that’s where I am at this minute….. crying.

I know that I’ve been getting into shape - bettering my health. And, I’m almost convinced that when I lose enough weight, I won’t have to suffer with the anxiety and depression anymore. I’m sure that my weight has played a significant role in all of this.

Not sure why I wrote this blog, I just needed to get things out - air out my brain! I know that you all understand that.

Anxiety will not control me, will not control my life. The same way - food will not control me, will not control my life. Both diseases will be overcome. They may be completely different - but they are one in the same in so many ways!!! One grows and feeds off of the other. So, once I kill one - the other will go down with it!!

Okay, I’m gonna go now. Thank you for letting me vent.

Lady J