Well…. I’m exactly one week out from my “predicted ovulation” date…. but - I’m on the verge of another anxiety attack. This one…. spurred by a dizzy spell earlier. I know that your body has ways to do things to trick you out. And, I also know that Satan has that same power.
Well, today my husband started a new job. He hasn’t worked since January. So, from January until now (8 months) we’ve been home together every day. So, he left around 7:30 this morning to go to work. I’m here by myself with my 2 kids and I started babysitting a little boy today also. It doesn’t really come as that much of a surprise that I’m trying to have an anxiety attack today though. But, it doesn’t help.
I was cleaning my daughter up from breakfast (about 15 minutes ago). And, I all of the sudden felt dizzy. It lasted for all of 2 seconds. From there, my brain went into a tailspin of what if I have a tumor, stroke, bloodclot, cancer……….. and I went through all the things that could be causing my dizzy spell that lasted 2 seconds. Of course, every answer I came up with is life-threatening. It couldn’t possibly be due to the fact that today is a moderately stressful / sad day with my DH having to be gone 10 hours at a new job when I’m used to seeing him everyday, all day long. But, I can’t convince my inner thoughts of that. My inner thoughts all go to what could be killing me….. being taken away from my young kids and having an incurable disease! I’ve really got to stop watching “House”…….
So, I decided to come in here and write down everything I’m feeling - in some weird way that helps to get me through the attack. Like being in therapy almost.
I know that Satan is attacking me. That is for certain. He knows that we’ve waited and waited and struggled for 8 months while neither of us had a job…. we’ve had to do all but beg our families for money just to keep our heads above water. So……. what pleasure it would bring the devil for me to call my husband and have him come home early on his first day of work. That move alone could possibly cost my husband his job….. I know that Satan would love that - so he’s attacking ME because I am weak one. Especially when it comes to things that are medically wrong with me (yes, I have been a hypochondriac since I was a really little girl…… I remember being about 8 years old, having my mom feel my not-even-there breast because I thought I felt a lump). I can trace my anxiety attacks starting at one of the most stressful times in our lives last year when DH moved to Oklahoma to start a new job and I was still in Missouri having to take care of the kids and try to sell our house. That’s when they started. It always feels the same - the dizzy spell, cold tingly sensation down my neck and spine….. and then *WHAM*….. feeling of dread, doom, and despair. It’s taken me to 2 emergency rooms and 1 emergency clinic. At one time I wanted to save up money to have doctors do every possible test on me to detect any disease that I could possibly have… I know that that isn’t humanly possible, but I think that if I could get that done maybe my hypochodriac-isms would fade away…..
So, I found this great forum for people just like me and when I’m having my problems, I write here and read there (it’s in my list of links)…… and I feel better….. amazing, huh?
So, Satan, I lift my middle finger to you - and stick my tongue out…. I am a child of God, you can not beat me… you may put up a good fight, but in the end - Children of God always win!
P.S. Weigh-in blog coming later today….
