Yo-yo no more

Around July of last year (2006) , I started having anxiety attacks. My doctors figured that it all originally started with having Post-Partum depression after my daughter was born last February (2006). Then, in July, my husband moved to Oklahoma to get a job and get established while I stayed in Missouri (with our 2 kids) to sale our house. So, add all of that stress in with PPD and *viola* anxiety attacks abound.

I was put on medication to help with depression / anxiety in September of last year. It worked to level me out. At that time, I was having anxiety attacks 2, 3, 4, or more times a day! It was hell!! I would feel a warm tingling sensation starting at my head and it would work its way down my body. I’d feel the need to gasp for a breath of air… not so much from not feeling like I could breathe - but just that the sensation would catch me by surprise. Then I’d feel a heaviness in my chest (not pain - just heaviness) and my stomach would start wrenching. From there, my heart would race, my face would feel flushed, and I’d feel such a sense of not being in control of my body. I’d get so scared I was having a heart attack, or that I was going to pass out. In fact, I was so sure I was dying, I went to the emergency room twice, a cardiac center once, and an after hours emergency care clinic once. All from July 2006 - December 2006. I wore a Holter Monitor twice (both times for a 24 hour period) and had 3 EKGs done. All conclusions were that they couldn’t find anything wrong with my heart. All the symptoms that I was having was all attributed to anxiety. So, I was on medication from September 2006 until January 2007. I weaned myself off of the medicine because I was convinced that it was the reason why I wasn’t able to lose weight. I have done wonderful being off of the meds. I’ll have an anxiety attack once in a blue moon. Today was that blue moon. The last time I had an anxiety attack was probably 3 weeks ago. Today I was sitting in the livingroom and felt that tell-tell warm tingling. I knew exactly what was happening and what was about to happen - but nothing can fool my brain. Even though I know it’s just anxiety - my brain goes into overdrive about death and heart attacks. Luckily I’m on the other side of it now. The after effect of an anxiety attack is that I just cry. I cry because I let myself get worked up over it, I cry because of how much of an emotional overload it causes me, I cry because I hate feeling anxiety attacks - and I just want to be normal. I want to be how I was before the anxiety attacks originally started (back in 2006). So - that’s where I am at this minute….. crying.

I know that I’ve been getting into shape - bettering my health. And, I’m almost convinced that when I lose enough weight, I won’t have to suffer with the anxiety and depression anymore. I’m sure that my weight has played a significant role in all of this.

Not sure why I wrote this blog, I just needed to get things out - air out my brain! I know that you all understand that.

Anxiety will not control me, will not control my life. The same way - food will not control me, will not control my life. Both diseases will be overcome. They may be completely different - but they are one in the same in so many ways!!! One grows and feeds off of the other. So, once I kill one - the other will go down with it!!

Okay, I’m gonna go now. Thank you for letting me vent.

Lady J