Things are not well.
I’m so sad and depressed. Before Bf and I moved in together everything was so good. We were healing from his infidelity and things looked so promising. As soon as we moved in together, things changed. He instantly became another person…a person who does not like me very much. He is a complete neat freak, and I thought once we got the house cleaned up it would be better, but its not gotten any better. My room is still a little messy and Trini’s room is such a disaster that at this point she can’t even sleep in there. But the rest of the house is basically clean. I work all day taking care of the kids and cleaning and then he comes home at night and points out every little thing that didn’t get done, which infuriates me to the point where I morph into super bitch. I become this instantaneously crazy, screaming, unhappy person, and that is not me at all. On top of that we aren’t having sex anymore. I mean he’s been here 3 months and have had sex like 4 times, before we were doing it like 4 times a week. I don’t understand why his moving in changed things so drastically between us, or why he doesn’t like me anymore. I don’t understand. I’m trying as hard as I can to get the house the way he likes it, but I will never be a neat person. I’m just not. I try but I can not do it. It’s not in my make-up to be neat. IDK what to do and I am beginning to think that it wouldn’t matter anyway. I think deep down this is not what he wanted and that he is purposefully trying to make it not work. And I can not talk to him about it. He doesn’t give a crap what I have to say about anything. I don’t think he really cares about me at all. We had an awful fight tonight. He called me a bitch and I told him I hoped he died. Jow horribly awful is that of me? I don’t want him to die, but I don’t like the personhe has become. I just can’t take any of this anymore. This is not what I dreamed of when I was a little girl and thought of happily ever after. And this is not what I dreamed of with him, even knowing how imperfect he is~not even close. I just know that I can’t try any harder especially when he doesn’t try at all.
I went today to buy him a father’s day present. I babysat all week and earned a paltry $80. I bought him new racing gas pedals for his mustang and a visor Cd holder and a light for his jeep. I don’t know why I try so hard.
I wish that I had this type of staying power with my weight loss. I have gained weight with all that I had going on and its been especially hard to take off. I wonder if that is what makes him not like me. Can 8 pounds really make that much difference in how someone views you? I wish i had the answers in how to fix this, but I do not.
I feel so alone tonight. I just want to be alone, but where can you be alone in a full house?? Ugh. i wish i had friends but I don’t. I have nmade him and my kids my life so I have no one to talk to. Dsis #3 doesn’t come around much and she has gotten so judgemental that sometimes I feel like I don’t know her anymore.
The job hunt isn’t going well. I didn’t even get a job interview at the school where my kids go and I student taught my second placement. I have volunteered there for 12 years. The staff knew me. Why did they not give me an interview. They interviewed another studnet teacher that was in my cohort. She didn’t even graduate yet, She failed a class while we were student teaching and didn’t get to graduate but they interviewed her. I am just devastated by it. I don’t know what I could have done wrong to cause them not to interview me. I had an interview the next county over for a kindergarten job, but I really don’t want K and I think they picked up on that so thus I did not get the job. I was suppose to be up for 2 reading specialist jobs but have heard nothing about them so I guess I didn’t get those either. What if I did all this work to get my degree and I can’t get a job???
I’m just sick. So I am going to go to bed. Its warm 79 degrees at nearly midnight so I think that I may sleep on the deck if I can get the mosquitos to leave me alone.
s
Posted on June 19th, 2009 by lodyangel
Filed under: General
Wow, it seems like everything is hitting all at once.
I don’t want to be too dramatic but your bf sounds like the guy in “Sleeping w/the Enemy”. It doesn’t sound like you are happy with him but sometimes it’s easier to stay unhappy with someone then take a risk and be alone. I watched my younger sister go through this for years and it was heartbreaking. Once she got the confidence/courage to break-up w/her bf she also figured out how to lose weight, no kidding! I think she finally realized that she was special and deserved good things in her life. I don’t know what the right choice is for you but it sounds like the way things are right now isn’t very healthy.
You are so worth having someone appreciate you, please don’t settle for anything less.
I can totally relate to your situation as I was in a similar one not that long ago. I was in an unhappy marriage for 16 years and afraid to leave because I didn’t know if I could make it on my own, well, I finally got the guts to move out then I lost my job and here I was a single mother living on my own with no family to help me. Plus I was fat and felt unworthy of being happy. Well, I decided I was worthy and that it was “me” time so I started working on myself when I realized that food wasn’t going to save me. Now I have the best job of my entire life, I am making it on my own and I have lost 31 pounds and counting. No BF yet but that will come later when I am slim and ready.
You can do it too! Don’t settle for less! We weren’t meant to be unhappy in this lifetime. Maybe the Good Lord is making you uncomfortable in your current situation so that you can move on to what was meant to be for you. I totally believe that was the case for me. We don’t need food or men to make us happy. Concentrate on yourself and all of the rest will fall into place in it’s own sweet time. You deserve to be happy!
Hi darlin’
Needless to say it breaks my heart that you are suffering like this….
I bite my tongue but you do know how I feel about dearest BF. You are a strong woman Mel, you’ve been through hell and back trying to get your life to where it is right now career wise. It’s one thing to be miserable trying to get a job - it’s another thing to be with someone who does not appreciate you nor honor you the way you should be.
But there is only ONE person who can make this change happen before it takes a bigger toll on you and your family.
Babe, sometimes you have to chew off your arm to save your life. It’ll hurt like hell for a long while, but in the end - you will be better off and so will your family.
You can do it - you will get a job. Sometimes things don’t come up right away but you will get something. You didn’t do all of this for nothing. Yeah, timing right now sucks with the economic bullshit - but you will find something.
In the meantime, Mel - you take good care of yourself. It’s time to put you first for a change.
You can do this on your own.
You have before and you can do it again.
love ya Mel.
xoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoxoox
hugs hugs hugs.
wish I was around so you could come over to my joint…..