A TOO MUCH INFORMATION WARNING IS IN EFFECT FOR THIE BLOG POST. Consider yourself warned.
I’m sorry I have been gone for so long. I hate that I keep abandoning my blog but I am lacking motivation to do much of anything. I did not get a job teaching school. I’ve had 2 interviews and thats it. There were not alot of jobs to be had this year because of budget cuts. I have been pretty down about it too. Actually I have been a big, whiney, baby about it if I were to be honest. In my defense I have worked my ass off to make this dream happen, to teach elementary school, my life long dream, and to earn enough money that we won’t be so darned dirt poor, but it didn’t happen and I am just flat out depressed about it.
Yep, I said it…DEPRESSED. I know that its true, but I am at a loss to do anything about it. I lack motivation to do anything, except researching my family history and if I am really honest with myself I have only been doing that a few hours a week. And working out…whats that?? All I want to do is sleep and read. There are times I wander around the empty house (the kids are all in school all day) and can’t find a thing that I want to do. The house stays clean because finally I have the kids on a chore schedule, so there isn’t even as much housework to do as in the past when it overwhelmed me. I feel useless, and that I don’t have a purpose in my life. Who would have ever have thought that the girl who hated to work so much, would feel so lost without it? Its more than just the lack of a job, its also the lack of teaching. I’ve been teaching for 10.5 years if you count my student teaching. I miss it terribly. Its what I was meant to do and I feel lost without that purpose in my life.
I also think part of my problem is my lack of anything concrete to do. I have no deadlines…nothing that must be done outside a few appointments and helping the kids with homework and bathing the little ones every night. Outside that there is nothing. I think that now that I have attained my life’s goal of earning my BA and I am jobless and I have nothing pressing to do that the loss of the ever present deadline, the lack of the motivational stress is making me feel useless. Also, I am here in this big, empty, dark (I don’t turn lights on during the day cause the electric bill has been so high), cold (if the air doesn’t stay on in the mornings it can’t keep up with the heat of the afternoon and the aluminum box heats up quickly), rectangular, box all day…yeah that can make you suicidal. Gavyn went to Kindergarten and its full day here, so I am alone all day. I go visit Mom but I am so grumpy I don’t feel like talking most of the time so I stay away most of the time as to not hurt her feelings. I’m miserable. Plain and simple…miserable.
I hate looking in the mirror. I have gained all my weight back PLUS 2 pounds. 230. Yep, I’m a loser. Even though I want to be healthy and fit. I ENJOYED being able to run. I can’t find the motivation and I can feel myself deteriorating…today I got winded walking 1/8 mile to my sisters..but there may be another reason for that.
My Merina IUD was due to be switched out in January. But because I had no insurance I tried to go through the local health Department. Because they have an extreme lack of RNs who can do pap smears at the present time I was unable to get in to have a pap smear and have them refer me to my Doc to get it switched out until June. While I was there the nurse told me that the HD did not pay for the merina but there was an organization that paid for them but it would take a few weeks to get he paperwork processed and not everyone is approved. She asked if I wanted the paraguard instead…a copper IUD. I asked if the side effects were the same and she said yes. She didn’t know her ass from a hole in the ground. With Merina I barely had a period. It was like a monthly pink discharge and that was it. With Paragard your periods get awful and heavy. Some people bleed for months after having it put in. So not knowing this I said yes. Lets go with the IUD that has less paperwork and shorter waiting periods to get it. Heck Yeah!
They referred me to my Obgyn to have it inserted because they don’t do that at the HD. I get there and the Doc informs me I will have much heavier periods withthis IUD. But I went ahead with it, cause hell I was already there. If I had changed my mind it would have went back to the HD for another wait for an appt, and who the hell wants to go through that??
I started bleeding immediately. At first just some spotting from the insertion but by the next night I was bleeding like…nothing I had ever experienced before in all my live long days!!! This comes from a woman who has given birth 4 times~ naturally. That night I passed 4 blood clots the size of the palm of my hand. I was going through pads like Paris Hilton goes through men! I got scared and got online and looked up the paragard and was shocked. As I said women bleed horribly with this thing (doc had warned me about heavier periods), and so me being “little miss I don’t have insurance and can’t afford to go to the ER” I said a prayer that I wouldn’t die in my sleep and went to bed. I did awake the next morning (obviously) and the bleeding slowed down. I stayed pretty constant until 11 days later.
Devin is on a select soccer traveling team and he had a game in Lexington. I was with MIL and started bleeding really badly. We were in Petsmart when I realized it and I had no pads or anything extra with me. I rolled up paper towels and kept changing them at every stop we made trying to keep from bleeding through my pants. By the time I got home I had indeed bled through my pants. (YUCK!) I was passing blood clots constantly…some as big as 2 golf balls. A few times in Lexington I had had this urge to push…like when you have a baby, and thinking it was a big blood clot I was passing…I pushed. Whe I got home I went to clean myself up and as I was wiping I felt some cords….WTH?? Did I forget I had a tampon in…AND WHATS THAT THING THAT FEELS LIKE A STICK!!!! hOLY coW! My IUD had come out!! YIKES! I had some BC pills lying around and I started them immediately. I knew that would help stop the bleeding. So I started those and the bleeding slacked off some, but Saturday night I was light headed and dizzy. I don’t know if it was from the stress of the day or bloodloss, but I was a little woozy. However, being me…not wantng to bother anyone…I waited until my docs were in on Monday before I called. The nurse at the HD was concerned and said I should have went ot the ER if I was soaking a pad every hour (Heck I was going through 2) and if your blood clots were the size of a golf ball (again had that beat). She had me call my doc who did not seem concerned. (WHy am I not surprised???) He had me up my BC pills to 2 a day to help stop the bleeding. So here we are on day 16? and I am stilll bleeding. Its not as bad but I go through a pad about every 2-3 hours and I am still passing small blood clots. I went back to the HD to fill out the paperwork for the charity to buy my merina for me and they checked my Iron and it was a little low. I just feel like crap. I am wondering if something else could be wrong because why am I still bleeding?? The IUD has been out for almost a week…I am on day 3 of upping my BCP’s to 2 a day. The nurse I saw asked if they did a pregnancy test on me before putting it in (just in case this was a miscarriage) and I know they did. So what could be making me do this? I just want it to stop. *sigh!
Hopefully I will hear next week about whether they will approve me for the merina. If not I don’t know what I will do. I got pregnant twice on BCP’s and once on the patch. I’m not doing that paragard-IUD-sent-straight-from-satan-thing again. NO way!! ANd Merina’s cost upwards of $800…for a one inch t-shaped progesterine laced piece of plastic. Ridiculous!
I signed up to substitute teach and I should get approved by the board of Education on Sep 15th. Can’t wait. I need some sort of purpose in my life right now. I need to work out and exercise too. Maybe with you chickees pushing me I can get back in the swing of things.
Love to all..miss U!!
Posted on September 3rd, 2009 by lodyangel
Filed under: General | 3 Comments »
