Indecision.

January 25th, 2010 by sarahlynn89

In the grand scheme of things, I can’t help but feel that this issue I’m in turmoil over is a petty one.  I’ve seen much worse in my short lifetime.  But as I begin to feel as though this situation may be a trivial one that I’m completely over thinking, I also begin to wonder if that is my problem in the first place.

To explain, I must first go back to 9 months ago when I first met my current boyfriend. I had, admittedly, not been out of my previous long term relationship for very long when I met my current boyfriend (J).  However, I had been so emotionally detached from the prior relationship for so long, it didn’t even feel like I was in  a relationship anymore.

Because I had no emotional ties to my previous relationship, I began to fall for J very quickly, but there was some level of uncertainty to the relationship.  He had plans to move two states away with a group of about 5 of his friends.  The plans were just about set in stone, and it seemed as though there was an expiration date on our relationship (that was rapidly becoming more serious than I had imagined).

Everything about being with him just seemed right - I had never felt more happy, content and comfortable with anyone before.  It was rather scary, actually.  I had never felt so intensely for someone, and especially not so fast.  I am not one to be hasty with matters of the heart.  The idea of him leaving was weighing heavily on my thoughts in the weeks leading up to the date they were to leave, but I couldn’t be selfish.  I couldn’t tell him how I would feel completely devastated if he left before we could see the potential I knew we had together.

Shortly before they were to leave, he explained to me that he would not be leaving.  He told me that it would be the most feasible option financially (but he later admitted that a good part of the reason was because he wanted to be with me).  I felt an incredible sense of elation, yet it was sharply contrasted by my feelings of guilt for being the central reason he didn’t move.  Since they left, it’s become clear that his friends really want him to move up there with them, and in turn resent me for him not leaving with them.  Anytime they talk to him over the phone, they try to convince him to move up there, which is understandable (in the sense that they miss him).  J admitted to me, though, that he was mostly going with the idea because his friends were doing it, and he thought it would be a fun change.

Fast forward to the present.  It has been about 6 months since his friends moved away.  Their lives are essentially filled with goofing off, drinking very heavily (to the point of having inflicted rather serious injury upon one another) and doing things that a lot of guys in their 20’s would be doing (minus injuring each other… maybe).  All of his friends have met girls up there.

The other night, his friend “jokingly” told my boyfriend that he should just move up there, because they found a girl who was just like me up there that he could have.  Needless to say, though this was apparently intended as a joke, it cut me pretty deeply.  To me, they are living a lifestyle that, after a few years, will become one that loses its fun and does more harm than good to them emotionally (and quite possibly physically).

I know that J is an adult and can decide for himself, and I have never questioned his feelings for me and I hate to distrust his judgment.  But sometimes I cannot help but feel that he regrets not moving there.  Our relationship is rather serious at this point, and neither of us have been in anything like this before.  I feel as though he’s choosing the life of less-fun-osity with me, rather than going and being a twenty-two year old guy and going and living the single or casual dating life.

I have been rather distraught lately, trying to decide which school to go to.  Although J previously expressed his distaste for moving to southern California, (we currently live in Northern California) after having talked about the fun and adventure we could potentially experience together, he became overjoyed at the prospect of moving 600 miles away where I can attend the school I really want to.

And now, my dilemma:  I am concerned that he and I may face an incredible shitstorm of epic proportions once he’s told his friends about our moving plans.  I can already sense that his friends don’t take our relationship seriously.  I feel they resent me for having “kept” him here, despite the fact that I never attempted to push him one way or the other.  I kept my mouth shut and let him make his own decisions, but they don’t look at it that way, and instead choose to blame me for his choices.  He wouldn’t move with them before, but now that he’s found me (stable, safe and party-avoiding me) he’s willing to move.  At least this is how I imagine they will see it.  His friends are all rather anti-commitment when it comes to relationships.

I would normally not be one to care about what other people think about my decisions, but I’m worried that the (practically certain) amount of grief his friends will give him will begin to tear at J’s emotions.  I’m worried  that he may begin to resent me.  I don’t think of him as weak-minded or impressionable in the least, but we are all human - and the opinions of our friends can be very important.

After having talked to J about this earlier, he reassured me that although he could not predict his feelings, the responses from his friends about our decisions would not affect his feelings toward me.  He says he wants to be with me, and wants to move with me.  Regardless, I cannot help but feel guilty.

I’m also beginning to think that this is putting me in such a state of distress not only because it’s so uncertain, but because I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.  I’ve never been the kind of person to allow someone else to affect my feelings.  After having experienced some life altering events during my childhood, from a young age I have been very in control of my feelings and have always kept (especially with those I’ve been in relationships with) everyone at a certain distance from me.  I haven’t been able to do so with J, however.  He practically won’t allow it, which is a wonderful thing.  I can’t help but want to be vulnerable with him.  I want to be entirely open to him, and thus cannot be distant i the least.  Normally, I would just tell the person that it wasn’t working out, and leave it at that, usually hardly thinking about the person or the situation ever again.  Being so detached worked to my advantage, until now.  Actually experiencing love has hit me - hard - and I have no idea how to deal with this situation.

Do I ignore the possibility of having J resent me, or his friends resenting him (or me), and taking the leap of faith and moving with him?  We are both very excited about moving.  It would be an extraordinary adventure, and we have agreed that we would probably have the time of our lives.  Or do I go to a local school and play it safe, knowing that we would be living a boring, mundane life for the next few years, but one without backlash or resentment from his friends (and as a result - potentially, from him toward me)?

If anyone actually reads - or even skims - this entire thing, you are truly a saint.  It means the world to me that objective eyes are reading.  I truly appreciate your time.  Any advice, too, is greatly appreciated.

Now, let’s just hope I can eat something over the next couple of days.  I have the ugly habit of not eating when I get terribly stressed out.