giving it a little bit of

So yesterday, even though I was hungover, I managed to refuse a cornish pasty my sister had bought me. I was so so proud of myself because all I wanted was some comfort food.

I’d been out drinking the night before and still managed not to go over my calories (no wonder I had such a headache the next day, I was about 70% cheap wine), and then YESTERDAY I only made it to 900cal, which is not neccessarily good, but not nearly as bad as a 4000cal binge which is what the previous me used to indulge in.

So today, after having a healthy, light breakfast I thought - I can spare 550cal today - I’ve been healthy all week - I’m going for a walk anyway. So I cooked it and ate it, then ate a piece of bread slathered with butter and then another one! It ended up being a 900cal lunch! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF MEGAN?

Despite this mini-disaster, I was down to 85 yesterday and today, and I AM going for a walk (a little bit longer and faster than previously planned). I am less than a pound away from just being overweight. YESSSSSSS. I have been a bit concerned that I am losing weight too fast - I haven’t even been excersising at all. But I feel good, so I don’t know…

As for my ‘hitting 85′ goals - I am excersising today, and am finishing off my last pack of cigarettes.

I still don’t know if I have got that new job. I hope wish hope wish I do.

bleaurgh.

There are two things in my life that I want to quit. Smoking being the constant, my job the transient.

I think I will make it my priority to quit both over the coming weeks. I said I would quit smoking when I hit 85kg, which is coming up fast (to both my delight and dismay), so why not make it a deadline for my job as well? The only problem with that being I have to find a job in the meantime. I spend so much time jobhunting I might as well make it my job, if anyone would pay me for it.

A shade under 87 this morning, which technically counts as 86, but my scale is so temperamental I’ll wait until it’s flush on the number before I record it.

Calorie counting’s been good, excersise bad. But I did say I would hold off on that until 85 too. And I did feel like going for a run yesterday. AND I have been walking everywhere. I am more active now in any case.

Talked to my good friend doing Jenny Craig yesterday. Let’s call her Jenny. She has lost a fantastic 14kg so far! I won’t see her for about 8 months, so hopefully when we do get together we can celebrate our hotness together. I love Jenny.

Loves.

I weighed in at 87 flat this morning, which is 191lb! Which is 10kg or 25 pounds!

Awesome, yes, but according to the new rule that I made up in my head, I am not allowed to be officially 87 until I have weighed in at that for three consecutive days. Which is sensible, but a little soul-destroying when I want to celebrate.

I really really don’t see it. I took measurements this morning and I was only 1.5cm smaller at my waist and .5 smaller at my hips. AND NOTHING LOST ANYWHERE ELSE!!! But it is that TOM, so maybe I am a bit bloaty. AND maybe when I took my first measurements I was pulling a bit tighter to soften the blow of cumulative numbers.

Work at the Hilton is going shite - not enough shifts in a week to pay the flippin’ rent. I keep thinking - I am BETTER than this job! Please someone get me out of here!

Of course the only person who can get me out of here is myself.

I am trying to meditate everyday. As well as losing weight I am trying to lose my negative self image. I am mentally punching myself in the head every day so many times it has to be doing some long term damage. Meditation is the key. Positive images. I am floating in a salt-water swimming pool in Darwin, in the shade and it is raining. That is my in-head place of relaxation. Floating in a pool in Darwin over new year was the last time I can remember feeling carefree. I am infusing that pool with cool good thoughts.

I have made a deal with myself, that I will start excersising properly when I hit 85kg. That is also my deadline to quit smoking. AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEE! I can’t wait to quit, but I think I’ll feel a bit lonely without my cigarettes. I am replacing a bad habit with a good new one.

I’ve been on low low calories for the last few days, because it is hot and I don’t feel like eating. Listen to me! I’m not even me anymore.

I have to go now to achieve some tiny mini incremental goals and get my dose of instant gratification.

LATERS.

It was my birthday yesterday -croissant for breakfast, healthy lunch, jaffa cakes (!) then japanese for dinner (creamy scallaps, blackend cod and creme brulee for dessert! Oh dear). Along with all of this a half a bottle of wine. I think I went at least 500cal over my limit.

The positive in this is that I don’t feel guilty about it and I haven’t beaten my self up at all, which I think is a sign of how my attitude to getting healthy has changed. I’m feeling a bit smug about it in any case.

A negative is how horrible I feel this morning! I think it is the food as well as the wine, dinner was very sweet and creamy (and amazing). When I drink, I smoke - I had a cigarette for every drink yesterday, and a cigarette for every conversation with a family member over the phone (I have a big family). So in general I feel very crappy.

I think today will be a good one - healthy breakfast so far.

I just need to get out there and excersise! I am too afraid of people seeing me jiggle about to run, and definitely not looking forward to getting my bathers (swimmers, trunks) out for the summer. I’ve got to start somewhere and so far have not decided where or when that somewhere will be.