giving it a little bit of

I weighed in at 87 flat this morning, which is 191lb! Which is 10kg or 25 pounds!

Awesome, yes, but according to the new rule that I made up in my head, I am not allowed to be officially 87 until I have weighed in at that for three consecutive days. Which is sensible, but a little soul-destroying when I want to celebrate.

I really really don’t see it. I took measurements this morning and I was only 1.5cm smaller at my waist and .5 smaller at my hips. AND NOTHING LOST ANYWHERE ELSE!!! But it is that TOM, so maybe I am a bit bloaty. AND maybe when I took my first measurements I was pulling a bit tighter to soften the blow of cumulative numbers.

Work at the Hilton is going shite - not enough shifts in a week to pay the flippin’ rent. I keep thinking - I am BETTER than this job! Please someone get me out of here!

Of course the only person who can get me out of here is myself.

I am trying to meditate everyday. As well as losing weight I am trying to lose my negative self image. I am mentally punching myself in the head every day so many times it has to be doing some long term damage. Meditation is the key. Positive images. I am floating in a salt-water swimming pool in Darwin, in the shade and it is raining. That is my in-head place of relaxation. Floating in a pool in Darwin over new year was the last time I can remember feeling carefree. I am infusing that pool with cool good thoughts.

I have made a deal with myself, that I will start excersising properly when I hit 85kg. That is also my deadline to quit smoking. AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEE! I can’t wait to quit, but I think I’ll feel a bit lonely without my cigarettes. I am replacing a bad habit with a good new one.

I’ve been on low low calories for the last few days, because it is hot and I don’t feel like eating. Listen to me! I’m not even me anymore.

I have to go now to achieve some tiny mini incremental goals and get my dose of instant gratification.

LATERS.