giving it a little bit of

Got into some old jeans yesterday. I feel like I can finally believe that I’m doing this, that it’s not all just a fluke and that I am actually achieving something. I normally look at the scales and think that they must be broken, or that it’s only a temporary fluctuation in my weight, or that I haven’t done enough to deserve this. But putting on some old jeans really made it hit home. Oh the vanity!

I think the true test is going to be when I hit 85 kilos - only a matter of days away. Then I have to quit smoking and start to excersise. I’ll be testing myself like I haven’t since I was a competetive swimmer - I think if I manage both of those things I’ll recognise that I am capable of doing this.

Man, at this rate I could be at my goal by my sister’s wedding! Actually AT MY GOAL. The same size as my sisters!

I keep picturing going home in my head as a sort of reality tv style “reveal”. When in real reality it’s going to be nothing like that, even if I get to my goal, my sister is getting married. It is about HER, megan. Still, I can’t help but picture what I’ll wear when I get there (again, very different to reality) - off the plane, grey wide legged slacks and a black singlet with some coloured bangles (reality - leggings and a t-shirt with plane hair) - visiting my old job, smart, bright pencil skirt and white tank, hair flowing and lustrous (probably my old dove dress with holes in it). Anyway, you get the picture. but can’t a girl dream? If I get close to my goal I’ll reward myself by buying one of these outfits.

Job interview today! It’s a monday to friday job which is ace - and if I get it I’ll get to quit that horrible nightmare of a Hilton. I hope hope hope hope I get it. I should - if I’m qualified to to anything it’s this.

So fingers crossed.

loves,

megan.

Yay! Finally! It is an interview with the Hilton, who I interviewed with a few weeks ago and got a rejection letter “we are sorry to say… keep you on our shortlist.” Yeah right, I thought. Well obviously they did! Huzzah!

I’ve been pigging out all weekend - yesterday my -in law’s mother came over and I cooked a big lamb roast with veg and steamed greens. She baked me a birthday cake (lovely!) even though my birthday was two weeks ago nearly. So I ate a lot lot, probably about 2500cal. erg. But now I am going to go put on my interview skirt (which is TIGHT) to remind me not to pig out today. I’m at about 800cal so far, so hopefully today is redeemable.

Got it on and it’s not as tight as I thought it would be. WOOP. Still, I do feel as though I’d hang out the top if I didn’t have such stacked heels to wear with it (do wonders for posture, heels).

I LOVE living in London. I love that I can be super dressed up and made up with heels for work and not feel like I’m overdressed, or even out of the ordinary. It is my dream to have a job where I get to dress like a GIRL. No apron, no sensible shoes, no man’s shirt, no bleach stains, no horribleblandpractical ponytail, no food to get all over myself when cooking. No COOKING. Yesssss. A non-food related job is all I ask for. That and looking like a girl.

I’m going to start sorting out my excersise. I’ve realised that I’m not going to get anywhere by sitting at home all day counting calories. I will still count calories, but by just getting out of the house I will stop giving myself the opportunity to just have a little more of everything. I will stop boredom eating. I know that I am capable of being uber-fit, and I know that I enjoy the feeling, it’s just the getting fit part that is sooooo difficult. So rather than going for a walk and saying “that’ll do, at least I did something” I’ll be pushing myself to my limit when I can. Who cares if people on the street laugh at the fat girl jogging? At least I know I’m a better person than they are. How do I know that? I don’t laugh at fat girls jogging. HA.

Fitday fitday fitday. I don’t know if anyone reads this, and congratulations if you’ve made it this far, but I was wondering if anyone else has the same problem as I do. When I have a horrible eating day I don’t enter it on fitday - like if I don’t record it, it didn’t happen. Which is TERRIBLE because I’m not holding myself accountable for what I’m consuming, and since I have no-one else to do that for me I can have massive blowouts and get away with it.

I’m going to do my fitday now.

Ta ta!