giving it a little bit of

I weighed in at 87 flat this morning, which is 191lb! Which is 10kg or 25 pounds!

Awesome, yes, but according to the new rule that I made up in my head, I am not allowed to be officially 87 until I have weighed in at that for three consecutive days. Which is sensible, but a little soul-destroying when I want to celebrate.

I really really don’t see it. I took measurements this morning and I was only 1.5cm smaller at my waist and .5 smaller at my hips. AND NOTHING LOST ANYWHERE ELSE!!! But it is that TOM, so maybe I am a bit bloaty. AND maybe when I took my first measurements I was pulling a bit tighter to soften the blow of cumulative numbers.

Work at the Hilton is going shite - not enough shifts in a week to pay the flippin’ rent. I keep thinking - I am BETTER than this job! Please someone get me out of here!

Of course the only person who can get me out of here is myself.

I am trying to meditate everyday. As well as losing weight I am trying to lose my negative self image. I am mentally punching myself in the head every day so many times it has to be doing some long term damage. Meditation is the key. Positive images. I am floating in a salt-water swimming pool in Darwin, in the shade and it is raining. That is my in-head place of relaxation. Floating in a pool in Darwin over new year was the last time I can remember feeling carefree. I am infusing that pool with cool good thoughts.

I have made a deal with myself, that I will start excersising properly when I hit 85kg. That is also my deadline to quit smoking. AAAAIIIIEEEEEEEEE! I can’t wait to quit, but I think I’ll feel a bit lonely without my cigarettes. I am replacing a bad habit with a good new one.

I’ve been on low low calories for the last few days, because it is hot and I don’t feel like eating. Listen to me! I’m not even me anymore.

I have to go now to achieve some tiny mini incremental goals and get my dose of instant gratification.

LATERS.

Yay! Finally! It is an interview with the Hilton, who I interviewed with a few weeks ago and got a rejection letter “we are sorry to say… keep you on our shortlist.” Yeah right, I thought. Well obviously they did! Huzzah!

I’ve been pigging out all weekend - yesterday my -in law’s mother came over and I cooked a big lamb roast with veg and steamed greens. She baked me a birthday cake (lovely!) even though my birthday was two weeks ago nearly. So I ate a lot lot, probably about 2500cal. erg. But now I am going to go put on my interview skirt (which is TIGHT) to remind me not to pig out today. I’m at about 800cal so far, so hopefully today is redeemable.

Got it on and it’s not as tight as I thought it would be. WOOP. Still, I do feel as though I’d hang out the top if I didn’t have such stacked heels to wear with it (do wonders for posture, heels).

I LOVE living in London. I love that I can be super dressed up and made up with heels for work and not feel like I’m overdressed, or even out of the ordinary. It is my dream to have a job where I get to dress like a GIRL. No apron, no sensible shoes, no man’s shirt, no bleach stains, no horribleblandpractical ponytail, no food to get all over myself when cooking. No COOKING. Yesssss. A non-food related job is all I ask for. That and looking like a girl.

I’m going to start sorting out my excersise. I’ve realised that I’m not going to get anywhere by sitting at home all day counting calories. I will still count calories, but by just getting out of the house I will stop giving myself the opportunity to just have a little more of everything. I will stop boredom eating. I know that I am capable of being uber-fit, and I know that I enjoy the feeling, it’s just the getting fit part that is sooooo difficult. So rather than going for a walk and saying “that’ll do, at least I did something” I’ll be pushing myself to my limit when I can. Who cares if people on the street laugh at the fat girl jogging? At least I know I’m a better person than they are. How do I know that? I don’t laugh at fat girls jogging. HA.

Fitday fitday fitday. I don’t know if anyone reads this, and congratulations if you’ve made it this far, but I was wondering if anyone else has the same problem as I do. When I have a horrible eating day I don’t enter it on fitday - like if I don’t record it, it didn’t happen. Which is TERRIBLE because I’m not holding myself accountable for what I’m consuming, and since I have no-one else to do that for me I can have massive blowouts and get away with it.

I’m going to do my fitday now.

Ta ta!

My sister’s fiance’s little sister and her boyfriend came over last night, so we went out to the local pub quiz. Which meant: PUB DINNER! Oh dear. I ended up ordering the veggie burger, no fries, with peas. I only ate half of the burger bun and the whole burger pattie (which was delish). Surprisingly enough my meal came to about 315cal. Awesome.

UNFORTUNATELY - I was being all responsible and mature, and only had one glass of wine. So while others were ordering bitter shandies and kronenberg, I drank orange juice. Which IS very sensible, but had one of my two orange juices been water I would NOT have gone over my calorie limit by 80cal!!!!! RRRRRGH.

Oh well, at least I did well on the food front. I made an awesome hamcheesespinach omlette for lunch yesters, and I think I’ll have the same again today. woot.

The cleaner is coming this morning, so I’ll get out of her way and go for a walk while she’s here. I’ve really got to step up the excersise situation. I have been putting it off by waiting ’til I get a job to do anything that costs money. But I don’t have to spend money to excersise. I have about sixteen trillion excuses- even though I do love to excersise.

Laters!

It was my birthday yesterday -croissant for breakfast, healthy lunch, jaffa cakes (!) then japanese for dinner (creamy scallaps, blackend cod and creme brulee for dessert! Oh dear). Along with all of this a half a bottle of wine. I think I went at least 500cal over my limit.

The positive in this is that I don’t feel guilty about it and I haven’t beaten my self up at all, which I think is a sign of how my attitude to getting healthy has changed. I’m feeling a bit smug about it in any case.

A negative is how horrible I feel this morning! I think it is the food as well as the wine, dinner was very sweet and creamy (and amazing). When I drink, I smoke - I had a cigarette for every drink yesterday, and a cigarette for every conversation with a family member over the phone (I have a big family). So in general I feel very crappy.

I think today will be a good one - healthy breakfast so far.

I just need to get out there and excersise! I am too afraid of people seeing me jiggle about to run, and definitely not looking forward to getting my bathers (swimmers, trunks) out for the summer. I’ve got to start somewhere and so far have not decided where or when that somewhere will be.