giving it a little bit of

So I’m still rolling on, though not as rotundly as before. I’m right down to 182, which is 32 lost so far! Unbelieveable. Nothing I have ever done before has been this successful, or seemed to be so easy! And finally, FINALLY, I am starting to see some difference in myself - my face is thinner (I can see the beginning of those blade-like cheekebones I know are under there somewhere hahaha). AND last night I went out with some girls from work (yay! a social life!), wore a little black dress and I swear my legs are thinner. I wish I had kept a photographic record from the beginning dangit.

I’ve accepted the offer of a full time job at my work, but still hate it oh dear. Unfortunately I need the money. Oh well, it’s my own fault, really. As my mother said - you don’t need to finish university if you plan on working for minimum wage all your life, unless you are a lucky person, and we’re not lucky people. Or words to that effect. Thanks mum.

My bike is serviced and ready to go - I think I’ll ride to wimbledon park and take the train to work from there today. Yesterday was supposed to be its maiden voyage, but MONSOON season london-styles hit all of a sudden.

I’ve set myself a few goals for the month of August. They are -

1. ride bike at least twice a week.

2. walk home from tooting bec, rather than taking the bus from tooting broadway.

3. lose 8lbs to 174 - or 78.9kg, lowest weight since about july 2005! WOOT that’s flippin’ FOUR YEARS.

Feeling good, feeling positive, loving strong-girl rock/pop at the moment to keep me motivated. Florence + The Machine, Magic Dirt, Sia, Bat for Lashes, Yeah Yeah Yeahs - and as always (and no girls in this band) The Presets.

WOOOOOOOT

Oh my god. What is wrong with me? Seriously, I’m smart, a good worker, reliable, punctual, friendly, positive and well presented! I just want to shake the whole of London until they give me a FLIPPIN’ JOB! I can’t go on for much longer in my current position. I’d rather sleep in a gutter.

I’m so mad and unhappy right now. Maybe I should take up boxing.

These aren’t even difficult jobs I’m applying for. Any idiot could do them! Of course I don’t say that at interviews, but it leaves me wondering what it is about me that is so unsuitable. Is it the way I look. Part of me thinks that yes, it is.

ANGRY DANCE!

I can’t survive here on my current earnings and I don’t want to go back to Australia. Why didn’t I finish my freaking degree? Either of them? People look at my CV and must see me as some kind of no-hoper. Then they look at me and see someone who can’t even take care of themselves.

I’m sick of sponging off my sister and her fiance, and they must be sick of it too. What am I going to do? Just keep going I suppose. What a depressing thought.

I just want to be lucky for once. But I suppose you’ve got to give  yourself opportunities for luck. There’s no luck so potent that it would seek me out in my little room in my house. I’ve got to grow some balls and get out there.

I want it all and I want it now. That is my problem.

I’m just so tired of not being successful at any aspect of my life. That’s why I suppose I’m really pinning my hopes on this weightloss thing. If I just get that under control all the other things in my life will fall into place, right? I know that’s not the case but I hope it makes some other things easier.

So yesterday, even though I was hungover, I managed to refuse a cornish pasty my sister had bought me. I was so so proud of myself because all I wanted was some comfort food.

I’d been out drinking the night before and still managed not to go over my calories (no wonder I had such a headache the next day, I was about 70% cheap wine), and then YESTERDAY I only made it to 900cal, which is not neccessarily good, but not nearly as bad as a 4000cal binge which is what the previous me used to indulge in.

So today, after having a healthy, light breakfast I thought - I can spare 550cal today - I’ve been healthy all week - I’m going for a walk anyway. So I cooked it and ate it, then ate a piece of bread slathered with butter and then another one! It ended up being a 900cal lunch! WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO YOURSELF MEGAN?

Despite this mini-disaster, I was down to 85 yesterday and today, and I AM going for a walk (a little bit longer and faster than previously planned). I am less than a pound away from just being overweight. YESSSSSSS. I have been a bit concerned that I am losing weight too fast - I haven’t even been excersising at all. But I feel good, so I don’t know…

As for my ‘hitting 85′ goals - I am excersising today, and am finishing off my last pack of cigarettes.

I still don’t know if I have got that new job. I hope wish hope wish I do.

bleaurgh.

Got into some old jeans yesterday. I feel like I can finally believe that I’m doing this, that it’s not all just a fluke and that I am actually achieving something. I normally look at the scales and think that they must be broken, or that it’s only a temporary fluctuation in my weight, or that I haven’t done enough to deserve this. But putting on some old jeans really made it hit home. Oh the vanity!

I think the true test is going to be when I hit 85 kilos - only a matter of days away. Then I have to quit smoking and start to excersise. I’ll be testing myself like I haven’t since I was a competetive swimmer - I think if I manage both of those things I’ll recognise that I am capable of doing this.

Man, at this rate I could be at my goal by my sister’s wedding! Actually AT MY GOAL. The same size as my sisters!

I keep picturing going home in my head as a sort of reality tv style “reveal”. When in real reality it’s going to be nothing like that, even if I get to my goal, my sister is getting married. It is about HER, megan. Still, I can’t help but picture what I’ll wear when I get there (again, very different to reality) - off the plane, grey wide legged slacks and a black singlet with some coloured bangles (reality - leggings and a t-shirt with plane hair) - visiting my old job, smart, bright pencil skirt and white tank, hair flowing and lustrous (probably my old dove dress with holes in it). Anyway, you get the picture. but can’t a girl dream? If I get close to my goal I’ll reward myself by buying one of these outfits.

Job interview today! It’s a monday to friday job which is ace - and if I get it I’ll get to quit that horrible nightmare of a Hilton. I hope hope hope hope I get it. I should - if I’m qualified to to anything it’s this.

So fingers crossed.

loves,

megan.

There are two things in my life that I want to quit. Smoking being the constant, my job the transient.

I think I will make it my priority to quit both over the coming weeks. I said I would quit smoking when I hit 85kg, which is coming up fast (to both my delight and dismay), so why not make it a deadline for my job as well? The only problem with that being I have to find a job in the meantime. I spend so much time jobhunting I might as well make it my job, if anyone would pay me for it.

A shade under 87 this morning, which technically counts as 86, but my scale is so temperamental I’ll wait until it’s flush on the number before I record it.

Calorie counting’s been good, excersise bad. But I did say I would hold off on that until 85 too. And I did feel like going for a run yesterday. AND I have been walking everywhere. I am more active now in any case.

Talked to my good friend doing Jenny Craig yesterday. Let’s call her Jenny. She has lost a fantastic 14kg so far! I won’t see her for about 8 months, so hopefully when we do get together we can celebrate our hotness together. I love Jenny.

Loves.