giving it a little bit of

Yay! Finally! It is an interview with the Hilton, who I interviewed with a few weeks ago and got a rejection letter “we are sorry to say… keep you on our shortlist.” Yeah right, I thought. Well obviously they did! Huzzah!

I’ve been pigging out all weekend - yesterday my -in law’s mother came over and I cooked a big lamb roast with veg and steamed greens. She baked me a birthday cake (lovely!) even though my birthday was two weeks ago nearly. So I ate a lot lot, probably about 2500cal. erg. But now I am going to go put on my interview skirt (which is TIGHT) to remind me not to pig out today. I’m at about 800cal so far, so hopefully today is redeemable.

Got it on and it’s not as tight as I thought it would be. WOOP. Still, I do feel as though I’d hang out the top if I didn’t have such stacked heels to wear with it (do wonders for posture, heels).

I LOVE living in London. I love that I can be super dressed up and made up with heels for work and not feel like I’m overdressed, or even out of the ordinary. It is my dream to have a job where I get to dress like a GIRL. No apron, no sensible shoes, no man’s shirt, no bleach stains, no horribleblandpractical ponytail, no food to get all over myself when cooking. No COOKING. Yesssss. A non-food related job is all I ask for. That and looking like a girl.

I’m going to start sorting out my excersise. I’ve realised that I’m not going to get anywhere by sitting at home all day counting calories. I will still count calories, but by just getting out of the house I will stop giving myself the opportunity to just have a little more of everything. I will stop boredom eating. I know that I am capable of being uber-fit, and I know that I enjoy the feeling, it’s just the getting fit part that is sooooo difficult. So rather than going for a walk and saying “that’ll do, at least I did something” I’ll be pushing myself to my limit when I can. Who cares if people on the street laugh at the fat girl jogging? At least I know I’m a better person than they are. How do I know that? I don’t laugh at fat girls jogging. HA.

Fitday fitday fitday. I don’t know if anyone reads this, and congratulations if you’ve made it this far, but I was wondering if anyone else has the same problem as I do. When I have a horrible eating day I don’t enter it on fitday - like if I don’t record it, it didn’t happen. Which is TERRIBLE because I’m not holding myself accountable for what I’m consuming, and since I have no-one else to do that for me I can have massive blowouts and get away with it.

I’m going to do my fitday now.

Ta ta!

My sister’s fiance’s little sister and her boyfriend came over last night, so we went out to the local pub quiz. Which meant: PUB DINNER! Oh dear. I ended up ordering the veggie burger, no fries, with peas. I only ate half of the burger bun and the whole burger pattie (which was delish). Surprisingly enough my meal came to about 315cal. Awesome.

UNFORTUNATELY - I was being all responsible and mature, and only had one glass of wine. So while others were ordering bitter shandies and kronenberg, I drank orange juice. Which IS very sensible, but had one of my two orange juices been water I would NOT have gone over my calorie limit by 80cal!!!!! RRRRRGH.

Oh well, at least I did well on the food front. I made an awesome hamcheesespinach omlette for lunch yesters, and I think I’ll have the same again today. woot.

The cleaner is coming this morning, so I’ll get out of her way and go for a walk while she’s here. I’ve really got to step up the excersise situation. I have been putting it off by waiting ’til I get a job to do anything that costs money. But I don’t have to spend money to excersise. I have about sixteen trillion excuses- even though I do love to excersise.

Laters!

aaaaaaiiiiiieeeeeeeee!!! The absolute horror of it. I knew that diet coke wasn’t particularly good for you, but not until yesterday did I realise that it actually contributes to that super unhealthy middle-fat. Oh woe. Not that I drink a lot of it, either one 330ml or one 600ml bottle per week. Diet coke my ARSE. Chubby stomach cola more likely.

Why can’t there be an addictive carbonated sugar free drink that contributes to an hourglass shape?

*Side effects - a trimmer waist and larger bust. Some booty may develop.

That would be a drink I would drink.

Other than that - I’m back on my fitday today, recording all. I am determined not to blow out, I have removed temptation from the house and am in a much more positive mood this morning. If I start off well, I usually keep going that way.

I have also updated this blog site with a page focussing on my daily goals. I have never been much of a ’see the bigger picture’ type of person, and I find it hard to visualise the end result of anything. Which is why, I think, I have been known to give up from time to time. By making my goals extremely short term, day by day, I think I have made the work needed achieve them seem not so intimidating.

Baby steps.

Loves!

On both Friday and Saturday nights I went out with friends and drank probably the equivalent of a bottle of wine and a bit each night.

I always knew that I ate a bit more than usual when I was hungover, but it has extended well into this week this time. It must be because I haven’t had a big night in ages. Or possibly I never noticed before because I ate so badly anyway.

I, like many many others out there, suffer severely from a post night-out nightmare of hungover depression, which my friends and I call the hung sads. So that lovely, positive mindset I had fashioned for myself over the two weeks previous has been ripped to shreds. SHREDS.

Which is why, I think, I should not drink anymore. I don’t think I will become a total tetotaller - just someone who thinks one drink is enough - I love wine and should drink it for the taste, not the after effects of imbibing a bottle. Which means no more cider (bleargh), beer - never a problem for me, I think it tastes like, well… beer. Maybe the occasional vodka lime and soda (which I love only if it is real lime, not cordial).

But for now I’ve got to get back to work on building up my self esteem again - I’m job hunting for goodness sake, nobody wants to hire a meek little fattie. Oops, slightly negative there.

I’m going to see Coraline in 3D tonight with my sister - I haven’t seen a 3D film since I went to a theme park about eight years ago, and all it did was give me a headache. But I’ve heard that it’s advanced since then, and the glasses look remarkably like ray bans. Awesome.

Ok:

No more being down on myself.

I will forget that greasy sausage sandwich I had for lunch.

I will acknowledge that, while chocolate and I can co-exist in harmony, we should not meet too often, lest I be seized by a fit of ‘must eat chocolates’ and devour all existing chocolate forever. Because that will happen if I’m not careful.

I will tape my drinkbottle to my arm so that I do not forget to drink enough water.

It was my birthday yesterday -croissant for breakfast, healthy lunch, jaffa cakes (!) then japanese for dinner (creamy scallaps, blackend cod and creme brulee for dessert! Oh dear). Along with all of this a half a bottle of wine. I think I went at least 500cal over my limit.

The positive in this is that I don’t feel guilty about it and I haven’t beaten my self up at all, which I think is a sign of how my attitude to getting healthy has changed. I’m feeling a bit smug about it in any case.

A negative is how horrible I feel this morning! I think it is the food as well as the wine, dinner was very sweet and creamy (and amazing). When I drink, I smoke - I had a cigarette for every drink yesterday, and a cigarette for every conversation with a family member over the phone (I have a big family). So in general I feel very crappy.

I think today will be a good one - healthy breakfast so far.

I just need to get out there and excersise! I am too afraid of people seeing me jiggle about to run, and definitely not looking forward to getting my bathers (swimmers, trunks) out for the summer. I’ve got to start somewhere and so far have not decided where or when that somewhere will be.

I was insulted re: my appearance yesterday by a teenager. At the time I wasn’t too upset, but by the time I got home I had worked myself into a frenzy of indignation. I spent about half an hour lying in bed thinking of cutting and witty retorts, things I should have said. Ooh that girl would have been crying herself to sleep for WEEKS.

I like to think that I am fairly self-confident, but somehow I end up letting little remarks get past me. The other night we were out to dinner and some friends of a friend were making jokes about people with red hair. Instead of putting my hand up and saying I found it offensive, I just sat there embarrassed and demeaned. I like my red hair! I put these sort of remarks on par with someone saying an overweight person should just hop on a treadmill. Because it’s THAT easy, obviously.

All those bloody cardboard cut out, run of the mill average Joes can sit there and glorify in their sameness. I hate them but I want oh so much to be one of them.

Had an average eating weekend - with an extra large portion of Sunday roast and a smattering of gin and tonic. Still counting calories and was pleased to see that I did not have as big a blow out as I thought. Though that theme park doughnut yesterday may have put me over the edge…