My second post in the same day. *smiling - shrugs*
I was just thinking about how long I’ve been ‘fat’ and how hard it has been for me to accept the fact that I’m no longer fat but … ’chubby’. *looks sideways* But even then, I wouldn’t describe myself as ‘chubby’ … maybe curvy? how about voluptuous? womanly? … but ECH! none of those words really matter because in MY mind I’m STILL fat. FAT. *shaking head* It’s horrible really to think of myself that way because when I’m realistic about it all, when I’m actually LOGICAL about it all … I KNOW I’m NOT fat and I KNOW I’m not the girl I was a year ago but the label ‘fat’ still sticks. *sighs* Will I always BE the fat girl regardless of what my numbers say?
I’ve lost a lot of weight for someone that stands at 5′1″ and I recognize that in myself but because I STILL have the tummy bulge and the side rolls and the slight double chin, I get down on myself so hard and so much that it drives me insane! It’s a mental thing and I know I’m not alone in this because I’ve known and still do know of people who’ve lost a WHOLE person in body weight and they STILL think they’re fat. *shaking head* So how does one shed that mentality? How do I allow myself to believe that I’m actually okay where I am and where I’m headed?
But maybe that’s it. Maybe I NEED to hit that magical number of mine in order to feel like I’ve accomplished what I’ve set out to do in the first place but will I be satsified then? I hope so. The last thing I want is to trade my weight loss in for a crazy-ass eating disorder because ummmmm if I had to choose between being fat and having a disorder? I’ll choose fat. One of my best friends said she’d choose an eating disorder but ummmmmmm I watch “Intervention” and those things aren’t pretty. *shudders*
*breathes deeply*
I’m in a good place. THIS I know. In 8 months I’ve put on a ten-pound rebound which is pretty good considering I know of people who’ve gained ten pounds within two months … so in that sense I’m okay and I know this … so really, I just need to chill out huh. Will I always BE the ‘fat’ girl? Maybe sometimes. When I’m on my period and I’m bloated to oblivion yes, I’ll feel like the ‘fat’ girl but I really do want to shatter that mental prison because that’s really what it is. Thoughts and emotions will hold me to the title of fat unless I choose to believe I’m slender. It’s the whole Universal Thought and Psyche thingy … you know … your thoughts attract that very thing to you. Mkay forget it, now I’m going into something completely different.
Anyways. Just wanted to vent. Just NEEDED to vent.
I’m good now. *giggling*
Love. I’ve been told that the greatest love of my life should be with myself. I’ve read this prior to being told this enlightening statement and I’ve also heard this on radio shows, talk shows and reality shows but it never really sunk in until just a few moments ago when I realized I’ve fallen out of love with myself. Sad, huh?
Here’s my deal.
This time, last year, I was SO in love with myself it was inspiring. Not dumb kind of love as in ‘high on myself’ kind of love or ‘nobody matters’ kind of love but rather the kind of love that would be labelled as INVINCIBLE LOVE; the kind of love that was filled with respect and blessing and kindness for my soul, my heart and my mind; the kind of love that had me waking up with a smile on my face and thanking my God … yes I am a believer … for all that he has given me. But then that love went away. Why did it go away? Well, let’s just it had to do with a boy … which I have now concluded was a very dumb boy … and him not loving me back the way I hoped he would. So with him not loving me back, I stopped loving myself and that isn’t ever good is it. Nope.
But fast forwarding to this VERY moment … I’m starting to fall in love with myself all over again … or at least attempting to. I don’t hate myself, no no and I don’t loathe my existence, I just don’t like how I gave up on myself and my life goals just because of a boy so here I am, confessing to all of you that I’m ready to fall in love again. With myself … my body … my flaws … my accomplishments … my everything. This is the way it SHOULD be, yes? Yes, I think so. *nods*
So my details:
April 2008 - 175 lbs
August 2008 - 135 lbs
Last scale in & current weight July 2009 - 145 lbs
Goal - 120 lbs
I’ve chosen 120 pounds as my ‘goal’ but I’m not so sure how I’m going to look at that number weight. I’m not looking to have that big-eyed, sunken cheek, jaw-super-defined type of ’slender’ because that’s just weird-looking but I AM looking to have a nice shape to me with mild muscle definition that will fit nicely into a pair of jeans and a white t-shirt minus the tummy bulge and side rolls. Do you know what I mean? Yes I think you do. So I’ll see … 120 pounds at 5′1″ just might be my number … anything less might be a little too ambitious and a little too ‘crackwhore-ish’ looking. Can I say that on here? ‘Crackwhore’? Well whatever, I said it twice. *eyes buggin’ out - grins*
So then, it’s all about love, yes? Yes. *nodding* It is. Here I fall all over again. *smiling*