My second post in the same day.  *smiling - shrugs*

I was just thinking about how long I’ve been ‘fat’ and how hard it has been for me to accept the fact that I’m no longer fat but … ’chubby’.  *looks sideways*  But even then, I wouldn’t describe myself as ‘chubby’ … maybe curvy?  how about voluptuous?  womanly? … but ECH! none of those words really matter because in MY mind I’m STILL fat.  FAT.  *shaking head*  It’s horrible really to think of myself that way because when I’m realistic about it all, when I’m actually LOGICAL about it all … I KNOW I’m NOT fat and I KNOW I’m not the girl I was a year ago but the label ‘fat’ still sticks. *sighs*  Will I always BE the fat girl regardless of what my numbers say?

I’ve lost a lot of weight for someone that stands at 5′1″ and I recognize that in myself but because I STILL have the tummy bulge and the side rolls and the slight double chin, I get down on myself so hard and so much that it drives me insane!  It’s a mental thing and I know I’m not alone in this because I’ve known and still do know of people who’ve lost a WHOLE person in body weight and they STILL think they’re fat.  *shaking head*  So how does one shed that mentality?  How do I allow myself to believe that I’m actually okay where I am and where I’m headed?

But maybe that’s it.  Maybe I NEED to hit that magical number of mine in order to feel like I’ve accomplished what I’ve set out to do in the first place but will I be satsified then?  I hope so.  The last thing I want is to trade my weight loss in for a crazy-ass eating disorder because ummmmm if I had to choose between being fat and having a disorder?  I’ll choose fat.  One of my best friends said she’d choose an eating disorder but ummmmmmm I watch “Intervention” and those things aren’t pretty.  *shudders*

*breathes deeply*

I’m in a good place.  THIS I know.  In 8 months I’ve put on a ten-pound rebound which is pretty good considering I know of people who’ve gained ten pounds within two months … so in that sense I’m okay and I know this … so really, I just need to chill out huh.  Will I always BE the ‘fat’ girl?  Maybe sometimes.  When I’m on my period and I’m bloated to oblivion yes, I’ll feel like the ‘fat’ girl but I really do want to shatter that mental prison because that’s really what it is.  Thoughts and emotions will hold me to the title of fat unless I choose to believe I’m slender.  It’s the whole Universal Thought and Psyche thingy … you know … your thoughts attract that very thing to you.  Mkay forget it, now I’m going into something completely different.

Anyways.  Just wanted to vent.  Just NEEDED to vent.

I’m good now. *giggling*