Littler Wonder

Weigh in day today.

I’m 86.8 kilograms.

Which is 1.1 kilogram more than I was last week.

I’m not really surprised though, I didn’t think last week was deserved, and I haven’t been very good this week either.

I’ve been using a weight-loss ticker from TickerFactory and it is all too revealing.

I’m not really losing weight at all, I’m just charting the minute fluxuations of my slack-ass self that can’t be bothered trying to do anything. And moaning when the numbers don’t drop.

If I’d consistently lost like I planned to, losing an average of 500 grams (about a pound) per week as is reccomended, then I’d be roughly 81kgs by now.  My weight graph would show real progress. I would be below my pre-pregnancy weight with Katerina, and below my full-term weight with Zamara.

I’d be getting my life back.

But no, instead I can’t do a damn thing for myself.  I walk, and then I don’t.

I exercise, when I can be bothered.

I make healthy food.  Maybe 3 times a week.

I eat regularly.  Sometimes, if we have decent stuff in the house.

But mostly I moan and complain and feel fat and gross and hate myself.  I don’t fit any of my non maternity clothes.  I don’t have any underwear that’s actually comfortable to wear.  I haven’t worn a pair of jeans for approximately 16 months.  I haven’t worn my favorite pair of jeans for closer to 2 years.

But I won’t buy new, fat, clothes, because it seems a waste.  And I don’t have any spare money regardless, especially not with Christmas.  So I wear clothes that I don’t like, and I wear clothes that make me look as pregnant as I looked at 35 weeks.  Except I’m not pregnant.  And if I was, well at least then I’d be losing weight, as I lose an average of 3 kilos in the first trimester.

And there’s a part of me that just can’t be bothered anymore.  I can’t be bothered eating, but when I do, it’s all junk food anyway, because that’s all we have in the house.  I can’t be bothered cooking, so junk food is really all that’s quick and easy to make over here.  Plus I’m a paranoid cynic anyway and don’t really believe that “weight-loss” food is what it’s cracked up to be.

Really what it comes down to is that I have lost all faith in myself.  I know about healthy food - I know how to do it. But I don’t love myself enough to do it.  I don’t have enough time to myself to do it.  I don’t have enough money to do it.

The funny thing is, at this point in my life, other than just plain out-of-shape-ness, I have no obesity related illnesses.  My cholesterol is good, my blood pressure runs low, I have no markers for diabetes.  But I’m gaining an average of 3kg a year - and that’s with trying to lose weight (and continually failing - not so much yo-yo dieting as halting stop-start gaining).  I’m reasonably certain that an obesity related illness will eventually kill me.  I watch shows like Half-Ton Hospital and actually relate. I’m not a thin person in disguise.  I’m a much fatter person, that’s merely staved it off thus far.

I can imagine myself as a 400lb person all too well.

I literally cannot imagine myself at my goal weight - or even at a healthy weight.  I’ve never been a healthy weight, so I have nothing to draw on.

Filed under: Weight Loss on December 8th, 2008 | No Comments »

85.7 this morning.

Last week was 85.8.  So down 100g since last week, and 1.4 kilograms overall.

Not bad really, especially considering I have been SLACK as…. depression’s been kicking my butt and I’ve let it get on top of me a bit.  So this week will be about trying to refocus, and do stuff good for me.

Oh, and I’m having Thanksgiving (of sorts) at our place on the 5th (Friday).  And yeah, I’m a week and a bit late…. I blame crazy Kiwiana which doesn’t even HAVE a thanksgiving!  Not really worried about the dinner in terms of weight though…. a) because my focus has shifted, regardless of whether that’s good or bad…. and b) most of our Thanksgiving feast is actually reasonably healthy ;-)  So the trick is just not to overeat… which lately I’m getting pretty good at.

Filed under: Uncategorized on December 1st, 2008 | No Comments »

Weigh-in day.  Down 200 grams.  Which on the one hand is hardly anything… but on the other hand, it’s going in the right direction at least.

I’ve managed to lose both of my pedometers.  So no step count.

Trying to climb back on track.

Filed under: Weight Loss on November 18th, 2008 | 1 Comment »

It’s been a rough week.

Which is part of the reason I haven’t posted.

Also because I gained another 300 grams last week, which I was not cool with.

Plus I’ve had my final exams all last week at University, and well…. the term “f*** it” came to mind.

Most days however I’ve still worn the pedometer.  In fact, all but two days I managed to hit 6000 steps or more - a high of about 8,500 steps one day, but I’d only put the pedo on that day about noon, so in actual fact I would have been over 9,000 steps.  So at least I am - very slowly - becoming more active.

Plus the week from hell has been capped off by a very nasty gastro bug.  The whole family has had it - the girls, on the night before one of my exams - D, on my “day off” from exams - and myself, the day after my last exam.  Thank God for that.

It does mean, however, any weight loss that I might post on Tuesday is probably due to Ds and Vs over this weekend as opposed to any actual work.

Ah well.  One more day and it’s a new week.

Should probably start over again tomorrow rather than waiting until Tuesday…. but…. I’m still not quite well

Filed under: Uncategorized on November 16th, 2008 | No Comments »

Walked 10,937 steps.

I am CHUFFED with myself!! Particularly as it wasn’t that massive of an effort.  Was a busy day today, looked after Z’s best friend and her big sister, so more to’ing and fro’ing in the house…. but still, a normal-ish day.  Then went for my walk as usual…. went on a longer walk than I sometimes do, but nothing extreme at all.  I was at 6000 steps before I left for the walk though, so I know it was the busyness in the early part of the day that makes the extra steps, not the walk.

Though at the time it did occur to me, that, well, I was already at 6000 steps for the day - which is, after all, my goal.  So it occurred to me that perhaps I should just stay home instead, get some extra study in (because I badly need it!) and grab a walk tomorrow - or whenever I needed that extra bit of activity.  But I decided to go anyways, and I am so glad I did.  Both for the exercise aspect, because that’s ALWAYS good, even on a day when I’ve been active anyway.  But also for the space of mind, and for the stick-with-it-ness.

I’ve now gone on a walk - outdoors - every day in a row for a week.  Some days it was a pretty short walk, like the day that I got about three houses past our driveway and the skies opened up, so I walked just around the block, raining the whole time, to arrive home somewhat resembling your neighbor drowned rat.  Other days the walk was slow - like when myself and Miss 2 walked to the shops together, at toddler pace, stopping to pick up rocks and daisies, to talk to the guy out mowing the lawn of one house, and to chase a neighborhood cat down the driveway of another property.

But the interesting part is, I’m starting to really enjoy my walks.  Originally I went primarily to increase my step count, as a I-can’t-get-to-the-gym non-excuse excuse. Then I started going for a bit of a breather from the chaos of home life, and to increase my step count.

I am an obsessive person, and I find that when I am on a “diet” I obsess about food.  About “good” food, “bad” food, what the next meal would be, what I really wish the next meal could be, when I can next “legitimately” have the “bad” food, what that food would translate to as a number on a scale.  Etc.

But now I find that I’m not thinking about food so much.  I do, when I’m hungry, and it gets dealt with then most of the time.  But instead of always casting forwards to future meals, I’m now speculating about my walk.  Will I take a long one or short one?  Will I go a different route, or just a ’safe’ and familiar one?  Will I go with a purpose, or will I just go for a stroll?

I don’t, however, find myself wondering if I will walk that day though.  And that is a 180-degree change for me from any lifestyle / diet program I have ever done before.

Filed under: Daily Activity, Weight Loss on November 10th, 2008 | 2 Comments »

Steps: 6034.

Would have been less, except that we went to the markets today and walked around there for a bit.  Surely I get a bonus though, as I had the 8kg baby on my back for the whole time (thankfully she fell asleep…. ).  We both got sunburned though.

Have eaten like crap today though.  Normally I allow myself one day off per week, which I typically choose to be on the weekend, except lately I have my day off and keep going….. so I’ve had WAY more sugared (and sugar free ) fizzy drink the past two days than I should have.  I kept it at one can yesterday, but am totalling over three cans today.  Not. Cool.  But again, it’s my own fault.

I keep thinking about body image, and how that effects weight loss.  I really do believe that a negative body image effects weight loss and / or a diet plan negatively, and vice versa.  When you operate from a position of hating yourself, it’s hard to do things that you know to be good for yourself, because, well, why would you?  But rather when you love yourself and treat yourself kindly, you know that you’re worth the extra work / hassle that it takes to be healthy, to work towards a weightloss goal.

Plus it makes it easier to see yourself each day in the mirror along the way, anyway.

I’m really working with my own body image issues lately.  I don’t like being this big at all - it’s the biggest I’ve been without a baby in my belly, and that’s just not cool.  But more specifically I don’t like feeling this unfit, this unprepared, this shaky and jiggly.  Part of my effort at the moment is to look more at myself in the mirror, and not just with contempt.  But to actually look at myself like a stranger might, or even, a new lover.  Someone that won’t immediately see the tiny imperfections that bother me, but rather take me in as a whole, and linger over the good features instead of the bad.  Don’t get me wrong, I’m not narcissistic, nor do I want to be - I’m just working on showing myself a little lovin’.  Because if I don’t, why should I expect anyone else to?

It’s late and I’m overdoing the cliches.

Filed under: Daily Activity, Weight Loss on November 9th, 2008 | 1 Comment »

A disappointing day all around.

Food was crap.  Including a fast food meal and an ice-cream desert.

Only totalled 4480 steps today, which really isn’t even close.

One could argue I’m under a lot of stress - and I am - but it comes down to, I had the decision to take a walk right then, when it was great weather and I was already dressed for it and out of the house besides, but I got lazy and opted for an ice cream and coke instead of a walk.

Because really, that’s what it boils down to.  Small, instant decisions like the one above, which over time (and repition) equal another person’s worth of weight being carried around.

Tomorrow is a new day.  With new decisions to be made.

Filed under: Uncategorized on November 8th, 2008 | No Comments »

I didn’t manage to actually blog yesterday, ended up going to bed fairly early and then spewing in the night, so it’s probably a good thing I hadn’t.

In any case, yesterday’s step count was 5965.  Again not quite 6000 but pretty close.  I’m only partially surprised at that - I had known that I was taking it fairly easy during the day, and spent most of the time sitting down and either knitting or studying.  However, I did take my longest walk (since restarting) yet so I was hoping the walk would have balanced out the day’s inactivity…. apparently it didn’t fully!

Each day that goes by, and I have to work to get to 6000 steps, I am amazed at how much movement a day with 10,000 steps - the ideal figure - would require.  It would be so radically different to what I do now…. but then, that’s part of the reason I’m on this journey!

Filed under: Daily Activity on November 7th, 2008 | No Comments »

Day 1 of the blog, I realise - but the blog was a bit of an afterthought.  As my brain gets muddled easily enough already, I’m keeping it with the actual days since I started (restarted) this new healthy eating kick.

My inital goals are pretty easy.  Eat sensibly, paying attention to when I’m hungry or full, and trying not to wind up at either extreme.  Eat frequently, aiming for either a meal or small snack every 2 -3 hours, though again working on the hunger sensations as well.

Oh, and no sugary fizzies.  I intend on adding the occaisonal one in later, but right now the addiction is simply too strong.

And move more.

To accomplish the last goal (moving more) I’ve been wearing a pedometer.  It’s nothing flash, doesn’t re-zero itself or give me calorie counts or anything like that.  It just counts steps.

In wearing it through my “normal” days, I find I tend to go from as little as 2500 steps in a day (that is, while I’m wearing clothes suitable to clipping a pedometer to, so admittedly I’m missing the first bit of the day while I prance around commando in my nightie) to around 4500 steps a day, on a “busy” day.   All of this is just doing my normal stuff…. watching the kids, doing some housework, going out to the supermarket, etc.

I heard somewhere that the healthy range for daily steps in a day for an adult was between 6,000 (minimum) to 10,000 (optimal for good health).  So, my initial goal is to get 6,000 steps in every day, at least for the first wee while.  I know from the ‘baseline’ I unofficially established, that 6,000 steps in a day is more than I usually get, so it’s still something to work towards - but as it’s only a couple thousand more than what I’d been getting without trying, it’s well within reach and doesn’t seem unacheivable or drastic.

So, I’m keeping a daily tally of steps as counted on the pedometer.

Today’s is 5935.

Which in all reality is actually 6000, so close enough, especially as there’s several trips to the bathroom, and dancing around getting dressed, and stumbling to the girl’s room in the night to open the all-night-buffet milk bar for Miss 7 months, all of which aren’t actually counted.  But if I skew the numbers in the ‘official’ report, that doesn’t do anyone any favours when I look back to chart my progress.  So no, I won’t say 6000 steps today, even though I doubtlessly did them.  Rather, the official count is 5935.

Only a touch OCD I am.

Filed under: Weight Loss on November 6th, 2008 | No Comments »

Every blog needs an introduction, a mission statement.

Well, perhaps not every blog does, there’s nothing wrong with just starting writing, but since I figure nobody knows me from Jack, it might help if you knew me.

I am Wonder.  That’s not a self-inflated ego talking, it’s just a handled I’ve picked up in my internet prescence.  There’s a story behind it, as with most such things, but this isn’t the time or place.

I am a Fat Girl.

I mean this in every sense of the word.  I am overweight - I passed “pleasantly plump” and “a little pudgy” somewhere in late elementary school, and have been to one degree or another overweight since.  Right now I am my heaviest I have ever been without being very heavily pregnant.

So, yeah, I’m a mother as well.  A mother of two delightful daughters, less than two years apart.  My full time job is staying home with them and giving them new ways to drive me crazy.

I have an unhealthy relationship with food.  But what true Fat Girl doesn’t?

Food is my friend.  My enemy.  My sister that I call up to gossip to or bitch to but rarely to brag to. Food is the one person that doesn’t let me down.

There is of course lots more to me.  I am more than a mother.  I am more than a Fat Girl.  And I am more than a fat mother.  But these are the essentials, for this blog at least.  The rest I’ll leave you to figure out.

This blog is about my journey to getting slimmer.  And to getting healthy.

I’ve mentioned that I’ve been fat most of my life.  So this is not my first ‘diet’.

But I do hope for it to be the last - at least last long-term one.

I have no illusions that this is some quick fix goal, to get me down to a slim and sexy figure only to start eating ‘real’ food again.

Rather, this journey is about developing a healthy relationship with food.  Using it as fuel for my body and for my mind, but not as a release for emotions, or a past time when bored, or just something to do because everyone else is doing it.

This journey is about incorporating more activity - both deliberate and incidental - into my daily life.

This journey is about my lifestyle - both now, as a Fat Girl, and at my ultimate goal of Food Lovin’ But Healthy Girl.

Someone really needs to invent a term that’s more user friendly

Filed under: Weight Loss on November 5th, 2008 | No Comments »