July 11th, 2010
Sometimes you get to live life. Sometimes life lives you and you just hold on. I know I’ve been missing and I thought I’d better take quick moment to check in.
Work has gone from bad to worse. I did my training session with the people in India and I thought I did fine as did my manager, but the people were completely lost. They asked two questions in four hours and one question they did ask at about hour three made it crystal clear they did not understand anything I had been doing the previous three hours. The company is so screwed, but this wasn’t my idea. It was their idea. One of my co-workers has gone on medical leave for eight weeks, which means I now will get NO help more than likely on my client list. That leaves one guy to handle the client with about 3000 devices and me to handle the client with 10000 devices. I don’t even have time to breathe. And I still have to do my usually billing stuff AND hold two more training sessions with India. I was complaining to my manager about my workload before the co-worker went on leave.. I am doing more than cases than the other two COMBINED. Almost twice as many as them combined. Fat lotta good it has done me.
For those of you on Facebook, you may have seen my update about the letter I got from my step father. Yes it boils down to emotional blackmail. He stated how he’s seen my mother crying and upset because I am not there to see her and how she misses me and how “last days” should be happy. Let’s start off with the reason my mother is upset may partially be missing me but I KNOW for a fact that it is my step father’s health that has her stressed out. He has dementia and it is unknown yet if the cause is Alzheimer’s or something else. His kids don’t know, I am forbidden to tell his kids AND she won’t have any serious discussion with me about this. My mother has been married, first to my father and then to my step dad since she was 18 years old. She has never been on her own for more than the year or so between her marriages and is terrified of being alone. The stress of his declining mental health and her fear of being alone have ramped up her anxiety so much that she ended up in the hospital thinking she was having a heart attack (it wasn’t - just stress and acid reflux) Oh and my mother herself is in pretty good health. She has had a minor heart condition her whole life so unless I am not being told something, the statement about her “last days” is just manipulation and pisses me off. They live 3000 miles away from me and he wants me to try and come out twice a year to see them. Um ok, I can afford that. Money isn’t the issue. It takes 11 hours to get there each way, with shuttles , waiting at airports and the flights. I have a fear of flying that has taken hold of me over the past 10-15 years. I have to be medicated every time I set foot on a plane. I hate hate hate being away from home. The whole time I was there last time, I ate and ate until the early hours of the morning until I could finally fall asleep because I was so anxious being far away. She won’t get on a plane and leave him because of his mental health and he won’t fly anymore because he hates it. Well this whole situation sucks. The real kicker is that eventually one of both of them will essentially give me an ultimatum to come visit or else. Their or else would be cutting me out of their lives.. No contact. Yes, they have threatened this before and yes they have actually cut me off. It has happened a few times during my life when I haven’t visited enough. Once it was more than three years so if they tell me they won’t speak to me, they mean it. They aren’t bluffing. I’ve seen my mother do this to people her whole life and she just did it to another friend the past 3 months that she has known for 40 years. Because this woman had made other plans to go on a trip and not come to see my mother, my mom has cut her off. My step sister has been cut off AND disinherited. My family puts the “fun” in dysfunctional, I tell you. I love my Mother because she is my mother but she moved away from me when I was 13 so we haven’t been together much in years. I don’t know what it is like to really have a mother other than in name only. I love her as my mother in name, but not as my mother in practice.. If that makes any sense at all. Frankly, once a year is more than I’d like to spend time with her and I am sorry that sounds mean. It is not because I don’t love her, but she is a stranger and I am trapped in her house doing things I hate. She is why I can never take any time off from work because once when I took time off and didn’t use it to come visit her, she cut me off for a year. God how pathetic I sound! I am an adult and letting her boss me around from 3000 miles away. While nothing has come from her this time, I expect it will sometime in the next few months and that is when I’ll have to decide what to do. As crappy as it sounds, my co-workers medical leave has bought me two months of a reprieve, but my life is more stressful because of the extra work. UGH I can’t win here
Let’s see, what is good? Still going to the gym five days a week! It has helped me hold on during these times. My right leg is showing much improvement so I can finally use both ellipticals at the gym, as my right foot is no longer turning sideways as severely. I still have to watch it and check every few minutes and shift it back a little, but at least the movement is controllable now. Furball and I are doing fine at home. Lots of cuddle time and down time whenever possible. I am most content and the least stressed when I am here with her just being. Naps on the weekends, good food and peace and quiet.
So that’s my big rant and moan.. Poor me.. BoofreakingHoo Everyone has problems and goes through tough times. This is just my turn. I’ll get through it, b1tching and complaining the entire time, but I’ll make it. : )