Well, I made it to the gym yesterday. HALLEJULAH! I hate doing ANYTHING for the first time! I called on Monday to make my appt with the trainer, because I knew, if I didn’t, the Ballys membership that I renewed would take another nosedive for an entire year.

So, Nicole (my trainer) is 20 yrs old. Fit, fabulous..everything I’m not. And I wanted to HATE her. But I didn’t. She was terrific. She made this fat, middle aged woman feel pretty good. I about broke down 3 or 4 times during the workout, and had to walk away from her. I felt so frustrated, that I had let myself go to such a degree. I felt like the fattest girl in the gym. I felt like all eyes were on me. I felt shame. How could I have not seen what is in the mirror? Honestly, I couldn’t even really LOOK in the mirror. I was terrified at what the image was showing back to me. I pulled myself together, but it was hard. I just wanted to lay on the floor and cry like a blubbering fool.

Nicole boosted my confidence, worked me hard..and boy am I feeling it today! She told me that I was pretty flexible, and that she was there to HELP ME..which is what I really needed to hear. I am going back for more cardio tonight. My arms feel like they are going to FALL OFF! But its a good feeling. I am sore, but it’s a good kind of sore!

I need to decide how many sessions to purchase with her. I was going to go full throttle and do 16…but I think, after talking to Brent, I’m going to go with 4 and see what happens. It’s a lot of money, yes, but I feel like the investment in ME is worth it.

This time, it feels different. I know that I’m on the path for the long run. No more short term fixes, no more crash diets. This journey, it’s going to be a LOOOONG one. But, I’m one day, one step closer to be healthy and fabulous!

I have been logging my food on The Daily Plate website. I’ve decided to try the calorie counting route. WW just isn’t going to do it for me. We all have to find what works, and I am hoping that this is it. Working out, watching my calories, and being diligent. That’s the key.

Brent was so very sweet last night when I got home. He gave me a big hug, and told me how proud he was of me for doing this for myself. I said to him “You know, I couldn’t even look in the mirror over there, and there are a lot of mirrors! I don’t understand what it is you see in me. He playfully grabbed my boobs, and patted my behind, he said “This ..this..” and then he pointed to his heart and he said, “Most importantly ..this. your heart…” and I almost burst out crying!

We have our troubles, but this man is a keeper. I love him with all my heart, and I couldn’t ask for more when he supports me and is in my corner 100%. What a guy.. *sigh*

‘Til Next Time!

Well, I’ve never done a ‘blog’ before. I’ve heard about them, but never really sat down and thought to myself “Gee, I need to write down all my thoughts in cyberspace and let the world read it!”

Maybe this is the way to make myself accountable for the biggest problem in my life! MY WEIGHT!

I’ve been fat since before I was born. Oh sure, I was thin for about 5 minutes in 1986, when I worked out like a fiend, starved myself and weighed about 145lbs. Where did that girl go? OH I know, she became a shell of her former self. Sure, I was thin. Skinny even. BUT it didn’t feel like ME! Men treated me differently, my girlfriends became jealous, nasty almost. Being thin wasn’t all it was cracked up to be.

SO I have successfully gained twice that weight back, and now sit at a whopping 302lbs. HOLY SHIT! I went to the OB/GYN and when the little weight went from 250 to 300…I almost burst into tears. 300lbs????? Linebackers with the Chicago Bears don’t weigh 302lbs. And if they do, they are getting paid a lot more than I am!

So, now is the time. Today is the day. I am approaching my 45th birthday on this earth, and I’d really like the 2nd half of my life to be healthier, skinnier, lighter and less stressful.

So, here’s to all us fatties. Life is a do-over, and I’m ready to make some changes. Stay with me on the path, and let’s do this together!