02 Jun, 2012
you are, you are. nothing else compares.
Posted by: lilblueticket In: Pearls
Nope, I haven’t fallen off the face of the earth. Well maybe for a little bit, but I grabbed the edge and pulled myself up and now I’m back, bitches.
Nothing crazy or extraordinary happened that really explains my absence. Just life really, and the inability to sit own and focus and write for more than three minutes at a time. That’s never a good sign for me, because writing is my balance and my solace.
You are my center when I spin away.
Oh, Radiohead. You can always say the things I don’t know how to put into words.
Work has been not so much insane busy but more a long, slow series of emotionally intense days. People have been leaving, friends who are far more than work acquaintances, and it’s been tough to see them go. Because of my position I’m kind of right in the middle of it, and by the time I get home at night I’m totally drained.
I took a last minute trip to the east coast to see my mama and sister and nephew because Virgin America had crazy ass cheap fares from SFO to JFK. It was good to be home and spend time with my family. There was an amazing day in NYC (oh how I miss you, New York), reconnecting with old friends, watching movies with my mom. And resting. I don’t think I realized how stressed and exhausted I was until I hit that bed in my parents’ guest room the first night. I slept while I was home like I was in college again. I slept like it was an olympic sport. It felt so, so good.
There was food, but I didn’t go insane. I had a mental list of all the things I missed, and treated myself to maybe one thing a day while I was there. Real New England seafood. Honest to God NY deli. Dunkin Donuts coffee. Something must have developed in my brain, some kind of shut off valve, because I managed to lose a pound on vacation. One little pound but a pound nonetheless, and the important thing is I didn’t gain. It was a moral victory for me.
I came back to CA mentally reconnected to my purpose, my truth that I’ve talked so vaguely about. I’ve had a few questions about that purpose and truth, what it is specifically. Right now it’s still too close, too raw and personal to share. But I swear, when I get there in my head and my life and I’m able to put it out there, you guys will be the first to know. (With all this buildup, be prepared for letdown and disappointment. You’re gonna be all “whore, SERIOUSLY? that was IT?”).
Workout-wise I’m still plugging along. Things have shifted since I broke up (at least for awhile) with Cutie McTrainer. It’s really not him, it’s me. And it’s really not me either, it’s my fucking bank account. I just can’t afford him right now, which I hope he understands.
Since our breakup (seriously, I feel like he’s my ex-boyfriend) I’ve tried a few different things just to keep active and moving and find what really works for me. I had a brief affair, a one night stand really, with a boxing gym I found through a groupon. And while the boxing part was great and something I’d like to explore further, the experience sort of scarred me for life. I thought I was beyond feeling like the fat frumpy girl at the gym (let’s face it…I’m too old and cranky to care these days) until I went to that class. The guy teaching it was awful, and the class was filled with mean girls. It was very not good, and totally counterproductive. Boo. Fuck you, boxing assholes.
Despite that, I’m at my gym several times a week still, and I’ve become a huge fan of this little workout craze the kids are doing these days called Zumba. Seriously, I avoided it at all costs for so long because I have some irrational aversion to things that are crazy hyped because they never live up to my expectations. I’d taken a couple classes at the Y awhile back, and the instructors sucked and I felt like I spent the hour just trying to figure out what they were doing.
I toyed with the idea of doing a session at my current gym but I was sort of ambivalent, then I had a chat with the ever-wise Gandhi who basically told me to suck it up and try it and if I hated it never to go back. Which seemed weirdly rational, so I listened. I’m so glad I did.
I found an instructor who is absolutely amazing and awesome and seriously one of the best, kindest people I’ve ever met. She, sometimes alongside her sweet and wonderful husband, teaches the most fun and accepting group class I’ve ever attended. There’s no pressure, no judgment, and complete acceptance. I’ve met some really great, inspiring folks there, which is just an added bonus. It’s not an easy class by any stretch, but the vibe and energy is so good that it goes by super fast and I always leave energized and laughing and just really, really happy. It’s pretty much exclusively how I’m getting my cardio in these days, and other than the Cutie McT stuff it’s the best way I’ve found to just full on sweat for an hour.
On off days I’m doing strength training, and between 150 and 200 crunches a night at home. I’m trying to take everything I learned in my personal training sessions and work it the best I can on my own, and for now it seems to be effective. I’m thinking about upping my gym membership to the next level so I can incorporate some other classes like boxing and my beloved TRX into my routine, but that will come with time and cash. For now the scale’s going in the right direction, albeit slowly, and that’s all I can ask for.
Today’s about catching up on everything I’ve been neglecting lately because I’ve been so unfocused and distracted — cleaning my house, doing laundry, grocery shopping, taking my dogs to the groomer.
And getting back in touch with you, my pretties. I missed the hell out of you all.
Happy weekend. Be excellent to each other.