19 Feb, 2012
i was scared, tired and under prepared…but i wait for you.
Posted by: lilblueticket In: Pearls
Someone asked me recently about my blog entry titles, specifically where they come from and what the hell they have to do with anything. The simple answer is that they’re all lyrics, because I sort of live music and it’s always somewhere on my radar. Sometimes there’s some kind of tie-in to what I’m writing about, sometimes it’s just what song’s going through my head at the moment. And sometimes there’s little or no correlation to a specific entry but instead to another area of my life which I’m not writing about here. So there’s really no rhyme or reason or naming convention, just my brain purging itself of whatever’s going on up there. I wish I were more interesting and mysterious, but alas I’m not.
Enough with the meta. What up, pretty bitches?
I’m trying to keep my perspective where it needs to be right now, because frankly the scale is pissing me the fuck off and despite my lovely, perky demeanor…I’m sort of devastated.
Had a CMcT session yesterday and as usual he kicked my butt. We focused a lot on my upper body and core this time — lots of free weights, some BOSU (BOSU planks, anyone?…holy crap I thought I was going to perish), and my introduction to battling ropes which are so not what I thought they would be. I don’t know what I expected, but that shit’s heavy. We did 30 second bursts of rope for cardio, and each one felt like 30 minutes. But I kept trying to focus on his whole telling me I’m strong schtick from last week, and somehow I got through it. Yay me.
I talked to him about the fact that I’m not only NOT LOSING (hello, triple negative) weight, but playing with that two pound up and down thing again. I almost lost it and started crying because I’m so frustrated at this point. He confirmed that it must be my diet, but I honestly can’t figure it out because I’m not eating poorly, not going over my calories, not doing anything unholy.
Being sore has become my natural state of being because I’m working out so hard. I swear, I got up this morning and went to pee and thought I was going to fall on the floor trying to sit down on the toilet because my legs hurt so much. Which makes no sense because we worked my upper body yesterday, but whatever. It just upsets me to no end that I should be virtually melting at this point — I have a great deal of weight to lose so this is the time it should really be coming off fairly easily — and I’m just at a standstill.
CMcT listened to my woes and told me that it’s definitely not the exercise end of things because he knows what I’m doing and I’m bringing it in the gym. At least that part made me feel good. So he suggested I track really carefully this week and bring it to him next Saturday and he’ll take a look and tell me what I’m doing wrong. Because it’s obviously something.
I don’t want to be one of those people who lives and dies by the scale, but dude…throw me a fucking bone. I should at least see SOMETHING for all my ass busting. Grrrrr.
So I’m toying with the idea of not weighing in until next week, which really shouldn’t be a decision that’s so difficult to make. The fact that I’m spending so much time trying to make up my mind just reaffirms the fact that I’m the scale’s bitch and it’s very not good. I don’t know. I’m apparently a little bit of a mess right now.
Trying to see the bright spots though — I have Presidents’ Day off for the first time in seven years. Bonus! And my sister’s visiting from the east coast this week, so I’m picking her up from the airport late Thursday night and I’m actually taking a couple vacation days. We’ll do all the touristy stuff in San Francisco that I totally take for granted because I live here, and at some point we’ll get to the ocean which will not only be fun for her but good for my head. For some reason the ocean always centers me, and God knows I need that right now.
Today’s cleaning and errands and general life crap. And maybe some new shoes. Shoes make everything better.