07 Nov, 2012
Posted by: lilblueticket In: Pearls
I’m still here. Quiet, but still here.
Still slogging along, still trying trying to get this shit locked down.
In other words, I’m maintaining, for the most part. Which is good, right? But I still hit a plateau. I’m not freaking out — although this, of course, is a huge priority in my life I have to realize it doesn’t define who I am. I’m not my diet, I’m not my hours in the gym, I’m not the calories I burn. (You’re not your job. You’re not how much money you have in the bank. You’re not the car you drive. You’re not the contents of your wallet. You’re not your fucking khakis…Fight Club, anyone?)
See, I do this all or nothing thing. I become The Girl Who Works Out. The Girl Who Eats Well. The Girl Who Loses Weight. Except when I’m not. And I realized how much pressure I’m putting on myself.
I continue to get in some kind of gym time four to five days a week. Mostly it’s Zumba, because I found that it’s some of the only cardio I can tolerate. Jumping on the treadmill or God forbid the elliptical for an hour, even with my iPod singing in my ear…eh. I just get so fucking bored. I totally clock watch and just pray for it to be over quickly and painlessly. Which doesn’t mean I don’t endure it sometimes. There are days when my schedule just doesn’t allow me to hit a class, and in those moments it’s either suffer through it or do nothing. So I guess I’m better off suffering just a little.
I’m at the point where I’m looking to re-set now. Yesterday I realized I had a bunch of goals at the beginning of the year, and it’s time to go back and see which ones I hit and which ones I missed miserably. Do sort of a mental calibration and see where I want to be on December 31 in preparation for 2013. What I know is that I’ve decided 2013 is the year I finish this bitch once and for all.
We all know of my ever vague truth that I mention so much. That’s still there, my number one priority, the very reason I know I will do this. But I’ve also had a secondary epiphany sometime over the last week or so: too many people close to me are in bad shape physically. Weight problems which led to sedentary lifestyles which led to injuries which led to emotional issues…ad nauseum. People I love who are in this crazy spiral, and it’s so hard to watch.
But I’m going to be perfectly honest here, so prepare yourselves for some unadulterated, unvarnished, really fucking selfish truth —
Looking at them makes me scared for myself, makes me want that never to be me.
Is that horrible? Does it make me a terrible person for thinking that way?
The thought of not being able to move freely or without pain, the thought of growing older and feeling like my life is over prematurely…these things scare the living shit out of me. And I can’t let it happen. (I feel like I should add “as I live and breathe” to that statement whilst fanning myself. Because man, it sounded dramatic.)
So yeah. I’m resetting.
I’m goal writing.
I’m…I don’t know. Tired of this being something I have to work so hard at. So I figure I better just suck it up and get it done, the sooner the better.
I’m back again, bitches. This time I’m making it stick.