Gotta be more to life than salads

As I have mentioned before, I love to cook and try new recipes as well as make up my own. To the question about how do you make moist and sweet bakery goods the main thing to do is substitute some kind of softened fruit in place of the oil that is usually called for in most boxed or from scratch recipes. For example, unsweetened applesauce, baby food prunes so it has the texture of applesauce (this is great to bring out the taste of chocolate), canned pumpkin or a mashed up very ripe banana. All of these will make any cake or cookie moist. I have been doing this for several years and I have never been disappointed in the moistness of my baked goods. The good news with this is that it makes any baked good low fat automatically. So, experiment with the different fruits above that I mentioned.

My aunt (who is now deceased) gave me a cookbook using only Splenda. I have made many of the recipes from it and I will admit that I really gave it my best try. I agree with you that Splenda has its shortcomings. However, there are sugar-Splenda blends that might actually work although if it is the sweetness that you are missing then I would recommend adding dried fruit to the batter mix. Dried fruit is triple the amount of natural fructose (because the ripening process brings out the natural sugar in the fruit) and it really does the trick!

Just a note, there are 765 calories in one cup of white sugar. I can tell you that when I want a cookie, it is never just one! So, with that in mind, my latest “experiments” in the kitchen have involved trying to figure out the right amount of sugar for taste without having so much that it sends my blood glucose soaring. As I have been “studying” the ingredients in some of these recipes I have noticed that sometimes there is a duplication of some that really don’t need to be in most recipes. If you use self-rising flour for example, you do not need to add both baking soda and salt to it because the self-rising flour already has salt added to the flour during the processing of it. I heard that from a professional cook on a cooking program a few years ago. I did not know that!

Also, when looking at a recipe that calls for both commercially brand peanut butter (not the Smart Balance or the natural) reduce the amount of sugar that is also called for because there is already sugar in the peanut butter (like Jif or Skippy). So, lately I have decided that rather than go entirely no sugar (which I have done in the past for months on end) I am going more for lower sugar as long as the taste and texture are a close match to the original.

I just read recently that sugar also adds volume to baked goods and that if you use all Splenda expect your baked goods to come out flatter and not rise as well. I do use Splenda sweetened products when I know that having one with sugar is not the right choice for me. I also have to watch how added sugar (including natural fruit juices) impact my blood glucose so there is a place for Splenda in my food plan for that reason alone. However, I don’t think it is as good in baking (even though they claim that) as I would like. I like your idea of just using less frosting rather than 1″ layer. I just think sometimes with so many foods, it is a matter of doing away with the “overkill”: overly sweet, overly salty, overly greasy. It truly is a “cleaner way of eating”. In fact, it is now my preferred way of eating.

Y’know, it is OKAY to not feel like doing some things for others, B. I was just sharing with my husband that women give more and more and expect to receive less and less than anyone else I know. We have this “indoctrination” that we feel like we MUST do this no matter what. However, this also builds up resentment and simmering anger which for any one who links unexpressed emotions to anything related to food; is a huge RED FLAG.

What has helped me is to ask myself when I am giving to another person “anything”; is this what I really want to do, out of love and support? If the answer is YES then I give freely but if I have even a smidgen of “holding back” then I wait until I am ready to give totally and completely without any regrets or remorse. Learning to say “NO” is as equally important as learning to say “Yes”. I have used this technique many times over many years and it has served me well. I most recently used it this past Mother’s Day.

I have only one child, an adult daughter, who is nearly 38 years old. I am very proud of all that she has accomplished on her own. However, she has been unforgiving of some of my behavior while she was growing up. Although she is a counselor, she has never accepted that I suffered from severe depression when she was a teenager. I pushed myself out the door to attend many of her school events in spite of extreme agoraphobia. I was always involved in making sure she had the best education as well as spiritual direction. I know I was a good mother who was really struggling with her own personal demons. However, since I was not a very demonstrative person then (and I still am not compared to others) she felt I was cold and distant emotionally. According to her, this colored her life for good.

She has always been very good about remembering me on Mother’s Day as well as Christmas and my birthday although within the past couple years as she has been making some personal choices that are causing her a lot of unhappiness she has begun to lash out at me. Now, I have had two failed marriages where I was married to abusers and so I recognize when someone is not treating me well. I tried to push through it in the past year because I knew she wanted to talk about the past and try to bring some closure to it. However, every conversation for the past year has left me bawling and feeling very verbally beaten up. She is exhibiting classic abuser behaviors.

Last winter I gave her some money (as often I do) so she could fly back to where my sister and Dad live. She said she wanted to see them. However, my sister called me up while my daughter was there saying that my daughter said some of the most outlandish things that I have ever heard. My sister can be confrontational at times and this was one of them. Well, of course, I wanted to find out the “truth” (since my sister has a tendency to lie and exaggerate) so I tried to contact my daughter. She told me “she needed her space”. I was shocked by my daughter’s behavior but I did not want to “pass judgement” on what she “may” have said until I heard it from her own mouth. My attempts to have a conversation with her during Christmas were unsuccessful. Fast forward to this past weekend: she called but I was in traffic so I said that I would call her back when I was at home.

The conversation started out promising. We talked cordially for about a half an hour and then she asked me if I had “noticed” that she hadn’t talked to me for nearly 5 months and did I understand that she needed her space. I said, was she aware that I too needed my space and I was not going to be talked about in a cruel, behind my back way by my only child without some kind of explanation on her part? Then, the verbal abuse began. I was both shaking and in tears. I listened to her for another half hour as she railed into me about her “being hurt” by me. After 30 more minutes, I said that I did not appreciate having this kind of phone call on Mother’s Day night and I told her to not call me. I did not say “forever”. I hate to admit this but I awaken my husband (who has an early morning for work) so I could cry on his shoulder. He has been very angry about the frequency of the nature of these calls from her for the past year and he has come very close to saying that he didn’t want me to even accept any calls from her.

I felt at peace with my decision. The next morning I had an apology in my e-mail box from my daughter. I wrote two words. “Apology accepted”. I also told her that I loved her and I wished her all the best. For 22 years I waited for her to show me some sign of respect. I feel that by her finally admitting her part in this tirade she continues was a good start. She is a very unhappy person but some of her personal choices that she has chosen to make in the past few years have me both worried and frightened for her personal safety. If I got a phone call someday that she was murdered or beaten to death, it would not surprise me. However unhappy she is I will not allow her to pull me into her own “drama” and take me down with her. I still feel at peace with my decision. If she calls me, of course, I will accept it. I even send her money from time to time when we have it. However, my own personal health is #1 priority with me and this includes removing myself from “toxic relationships” no matter how close they might be. For me; that is a lifestyle change.

I realize that this might be shocking to many of you mothers here that I would draw such a strong stand with my daughter but if you knew how verbally abusive she has been to me and for how long, you would be more surprised that I tolerated it as long as I did. As I began to dig beneath the reason why I went from 140 lbs to 301.8 lbs. I realized that there was a lot of self-hatred that was underneath all of that extra weight. I had abused my body the way others in my past had abused me; either sexually, physically or emotionally. I had to remove each one of those “sources” over time. My daughter is the last one. It is because I love myself and her, that I had to do that. She needs help in a way that a mother’s love is not enough for her. As I told my husband, the light is always on in my window. I would never turn my back on her and I haven’t when she has truly needed me but I need respect and healthy love. I realize that she can’t do that right now. Maybe someday she will. However, I am not going to hold my breath and stop living my life waiting for that to happen. I feel at peace with this so I know I did the right thing for me.

The more “work” that I do outside of food plans and exercising, the less all of this seems like dieting to me. And, that is the main point of that article with the Fast Breaks series. I don’t “need” to overeat for any other reason than the food tastes good and I want to continue eating it. I don’t think that will ever completely go away.

I pushed myself to do a chair aerobics workout last night even though it wasn’t my night to do (it was ODD-strength exercise day) because I did not want the sun to set without me doing it. I was doing a little better than the 70+ year old lady in the second row of chairs. I have trouble bending my knees (the opposite of D.’s hubby) so I can’t cross my legs or kick them back without a lot of pain. My right knee is practically frozen straight.

My RA was rough yesterday and I could barely move but I moaned and groaned through the workout. I talk to myself like a drill sergeant regarding working out. I say”P., what day is this?” It is ODD day. “So, what do you do on the ODD days?” I do arms and lower body. “Well, hop to it then.” Yes, this is my conversation. LOL. I consider any time a good time to exercise. I consider one 24 hour day to last from 12:01 a.m. to 11:59 p.m. and, yes, sometimes, I do exercise the last hour of the day.

I too am now going to have someone home with me more during the day than not: my hubby’s employment typically slows down during the summer months. I feel self-conscious having him watch me exercise so I try to encourage him to go for a walk while I do my own workouts. I did a lot of cooking yesterday so I will have some really good leftovers for the next couple of days.

Speaking of food: the ingredients that I use in so many recipes are garlic powder (not salt), chopped onions and/or green peppers, red pepper (both the seasoning and the vegetable), low sodium flavored broths (or some saved juices from cooking meats–not the fats) and rotating curry powder, cumin, sage or thyme for flavoring meats and/or sauces. None of these add calories, sodium or fat.

I will say this, “this time” feels different to me. I feel like I will lose more than my “usual” 30-40 lbs and I will stick with this until I see my end goal weight. I now fully understand what it means to transform your life because I believe that is what is happening to mine.

My NSV(non scale victory) to share today: I weigh today what I weighed in September 1983. Yes 1983!! That was almost 30 years ago. One word describes how I feel: REDEMPTION.

This year is significant for me in several ways: I am a Snake and so this is the Year of the Snake, so hence I have also chosen to call it “The Year of Me” but also because it marks the fact that I have been morbidly obese for 30 years and my 60th birthday is coming up in mid-July. I feel like this year, more than others perhaps, weighs (no pun intended) heavily on me. I really feel like it is a year that I must take action. So, here is what I have done the past 4 1/2 months:

January 1, 2013: I rejoined an “independent” (of any specific sites) online diet support group which is lead by a former team leader that I have known and been a part of (on and off) groups she has lead before since 2010. Motivation is high starting this new year because I am facing a big “milestone”: my 60th birthday this coming summer. This group reports weekly weigh ins and monthly measurements. There is minimal daily interaction. I also resumed practicing the principles of OA (Overeaters Anonymous) of which I have been following on and off for nearly 17 1/2 years.

January 30, 2013: After a month of the “same old same old” (losing and regaining) and having recently joined another offshoot support group (on a site that I previously was a member), a woman who was starting her maintenance, after losing her targeted weight in 2012, approached me and asked me if I wanted to send her my daily meal plan for her to view, review and possibly make comments. I had never done anything like this before. I said “Yes”.

February 1, 2013: I resumed doing a free weight workout with hand weights as well as specific strengthening and toning exercises for my ab/core and lower body. I began walking on my treadmill at home 15 minutes at one time. Note: I have advanced arthritis and “compromised” mobility as well as muscle weakness and joint stiffness.

March 13, 2013: The woman, whom I now refer to as my ‘food sponsor’, started up a new “Boot Camp” themed group support on Sparkpeople with another person and told me about this new group forming. I ‘followed’ her here to this site and joined this team challenge. I had never done a more structured team approach before for weight lose. This was my “first”.

There is daily accountability regarding personal weight lose and health habits that I am expected to keep track of on a spreadsheet as well as a weekly reporting “roll call” within the group. There are bonus “challenges” in the form of additional strength exercises for specific body parts on specific days. Other “challenges” involved daily sharing on discussion threads as well as setting and meeting personal goals.

April 26, 2013: End of this 7 week “Boot Camp” challenge. I was one of two people (we had two teams) with the most weight lose. I can point to the daily accountability as keeping me on track during this time as well as motivating me to push myself to meet my own personal goals.

May 3, 2013: Due to a change in team leaders, the “Boot Camp” was renamed and reorganized with the replacement of one new team leader. I signed up for the next 8 week “challenge”; which includes weekly challenges of doing specific body part workouts, reading articles about succeeding in losing weight and trying new recipes (all information here on Sparkpeople site).

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February 1, 2013-present:

Apart from these group efforts, my personal efforts have involved creating a free weight workout for my arms/shoulders, abs/core and lower body which I have chosen to do on an ODD/EVEN day schedule with one day off per week. On average, I am working my arms, shoulders and lower body 3x a week and my abs/core 3x a week. As each muscle group area becomes stronger, I increase the reps that I am doing by 10.

As of May 13, 2013; I am currently doing 3 sets of 10 reps per exercise with  an average of doing 10 separate exercises per muscle group. [300 reps each for arms/shoulders, abs/core and lower body. On ODD days that total is 600 separate reps bor arms and lower body combined and on EVEN days that is 300 reps for abs alone] I have maintained this workout schedule for 4 weeks. My end goal is to do 50 reps for each body part per exercise (10 each) which would total 500 reps per muscle group every other day.

In spite of the weight lose that I have experienced since January 1, 2013 (30+ lbs) I have not been able to appreciably increase my walking on the treadmill because of the extreme damage to my knee joints due to arthritis. I am presently exploring seated aerobic workouts as an alternative for my cardio development.

SIDE NOTE: I am also currently leading an online walking challenge with the initial group that I report to, which has gotten a good response within the group,  and I also plan to do a food plan challenge starting in June.

Since I have both elevated blood glucose and blood pressure and I do NOT want to take medication for either of these “lifestyle conditions”, I have recently begun following the American Diabetes Assoc. recommendation of eating 60-75 grams of carbs per meal as well as keeping my daily sodium under 2500 mg with the end goal of <2000 mg sodium daily. Starting this past year, I have also begun keeping track of my consumption of saturated fats as well. I keep a detailed food log daily which I have sent to my “food sponsor” since January 30, 2013 and which I plan to continue to do so since I consider it a “key” to the steady weight lose that I have had this past year.

As of April 21, 2013: I have also begun taking a mega multi-vitamin that is recommended for bariatic weight lose surgery patients (which I am not) so as to meet all of the nutritional demands that I am putting on my body.

….stay tuned for more updates to the “Steps that I am Taking” to lose all of my extra weight.

Measurements:[ taken on 12/31/12]:

Neck: 17″

Upper Arm: 17″

Bust:  55″

Waist: 48.50″

Hips: 56.50″

Mid-Thigh: 37.50″

Mid-Calf: 17.50″

Height: 5’6.5″

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Measurements: [taken on 1/31/13]

Neck: 17″ (no change)

Upper Arm: 17″ (no change)

Bust: 53 3/4″ (lost 1 1/4″)

Waist: 49″ (gained 1/2″)

Hips: 57″ (gained 1/2″)

Mid-Thigh: 27″ (lost 10 1/2″)

Mid-Calf: 16.5″ (lost 1/2″)

Height: 5′6.5″

Total Monthly Inches Lost: 12.25″

Note: Some of the ‘dramatic’ inches lost in my lower half of my body may be attributed to water weight lose since I do have a tendency to ’store’ my water weight from the waist down.

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Measurements: [taken on 3/1/13]

Neck: 16 1/2″ (lost 1/2″)

Upper Arm: 16 1/2″ (lost 1/2″)

Bust:  52″ (lost 1 3/4″)

Waist: 47″ (lost 2″)

Hips: 55 1/2″ (lost 1 1/2″)

Mid-Thigh: 26 1/4″ (lost 3/4″)

Mid-Calf: 16 1/2″ (no change)

Height: 5’6.5″

Total Monthly Inches Lost: 7″ Total Inches Lost Since 1/1/13: 19.25″

NOTE: I resumed exercising. This includes doing a free weight workout as well resuming walking on the treadmill every day for the past week for approximately 15 minutes at a time. My plan is to continue to do my free weight workout and increase the amount of time spent walking on the treadmill this coming month.

Measurements: [taken on 4/1/13]

Neck: 16″ (lost 1/2″)

Upper Arm: 16 ” (lost 1/2″)

Bust:  51 1/2″ (lost 1/2″)

Waist: 47″ (no change )

Hips: 55 ” (lost 1/2″)

Mid-Thigh: 25 ” (lost 1 1/4″)

Mid-Calf: 16 ” (lost 1/2″)

Height: 5’6.5″

Total Monthly Inches Lost: 3.75″ Total Inches Lost Since 1/1/13: 23″

NOTE: joined BL Bootcamp in mid-March and so I have increased walking, doing bonus challenges for body parts (i.e.; core, arms, legs) as well as increased frequency of workouts throughout the week.

Measurements: [taken on 5/1/13]

Neck: 16 ” (no change)

Upper Arm: 15 1/2″ (lost 1/2″)

Bust:  50 1/2″ ( lost 1″)

Waist: 47″ (no change)

Hips: 53 3/4″ (lost  1 1/4″)

Mid-Thigh: 24 1/2″ ( lost 1/2″)

Mid-Calf: 14 1/2″ ( lost 1 1/2″) **(I had been measuring at the heaviest part of my calf and this time I went mid-way)

Height: 5’6.5″

Weight: 244.6 lbs.

Current Weight: 245 lbs (4/29/13) This has been, by far, the best month for consistent weight loss that I have had yet this year. I attribute this more to working out and being more active than adhering strictly to my food plan. However, I also managed to lose some regained weight from post-Easter holiday weekend as well. I do hope that the next month will show both my adherence to my food plan as well as a regular exercise program.

Total Monthly Inches Lost: 4.75″ Total Overall Inches Lost Since 1/1/13: 27.25″

NOTE: I attribute the inches lost in my lower body because of the extra attention that I have paid in working out the muscle groups in that area. I haven’t been walking on the treadmill regularly because of a reoccurring injury to my left knee. So, I refocused my attention on strengthening the muscles that support the knee joints with measurable “success”. Now, starting a new month, I plan on walking on the treadmill on alternate days. I also attribute the inches lost in my upper body for the same reason: my upper body free weight work outs.  I have just begun to focus on the core muscles so my waistline has not shown the progress there yet but part of the inches lost in the hip area are directly a result of the start up of working my core muscles.

[reporting post Week One of my Boot Camp Challenge I signed up for 10 days ago and began a week ago. This Boot Camp was created by Biggest Loser and now two former BL team leaders have organized it off the BL campus and are running it online. My food sponsor is one of the team leaders and I agreed to join. I have NEVER been a participate in any kind of group/team fitness challenge like this before. This is all new to me!]

I will say, in all honesty, that I haven’t been this “involved” in my own personal fitness in almost 2 1/2 years. It feels good but I really had to re-prioritize my activities to make sure that I got it all done. I always like to give myself a non-food reward when I feel like I have done something extra for myself so I ordered two more exercise dvds based on what I am seeing a need for: back pain (deeper core muscles exercises), stronger knees (I certainly need that) and I got a free bonus dvd (ab attack) by ordering before April 12th from one of my favorite catalogs. That should keep me busy!

I did find that doing the chair dancing aggravated my back. If I am to follow the instructor she has you doing high (like over your shoulders high) leg kicks to the music while seated. Try that just once and maintaining your balance and good posture. ! It is ridiculously hard which I am quite happy because that means this is an exercise routine that I can grow into. There is nothing more “disappointing” than buying an exercise dvd and moving past it within a couple of weeks. I suspect that in order to match the instructor on this exercise dvd leg kick for leg kick, it might take me a good 6-8 weeks of really working at it. She must have unbelievably strong core muscles.

I am finding that anything that really makes demands on my core muscles is ultimately affecting my back. I know that my form is good because I am very careful, don’t do them too quickly or jerk or anything so I really just think I need deeper muscle work. Hence, getting the back dvd. I have also found when I did my Peggy Cappy (she is on PBS) yoga back poses my back hurt afterwards as well. So, I am definitely in tune with my body.

I had a thought last night that I wanted to share with all of you. This was a very demanding past week for me. I haven’t embraced doing this much for myself physically in a few years. It felt good but it is daunting and I am sure many of you are thinking; how am I going to keep up the pace? Well, this is how I am going to approach this: ONE DAY AT A TIME. I am not going to think about where I will be next week or next month or even this summer. I am just going to do what is ‘asked of me’ today and then say “Well done!” (hopefully anyway) and then let tomorrow come when it comes.

I do the same with the amount of weight that I have to lose. I just focus on today’s meal plan and do my best. Once I submit that to SM. (my food sponsor), I file it away on my computer and I am done with it. I do make a mental note of areas where I need to improve and I do think about them as I am planning the next day BUT not until that next day arrives. I want to remove as much obsession, worry and anxiety as I can about this. I used to do all three in the past and I was tied up in knots and pretty darn miserable. Now, it is “easy does it.”

And, since I have had such a long history of worrying and being anxious about my weight, etc., not doing so feels pretty weird at times. I even sometimes feel guilty that I “should” be fretting and being concerned but I remind myself that this time it is going to be different.

So, for all of you who are fretting about your weight lose. You did your best this past week. Give yourself credit for that and feel good about it. If you do your best, then you have nothing to explain, rationalize or apologize for. YOU DID YOUR BEST! Pat yourself on the back.

Now, take care of yourself (and maybe that means getting over the flu or whatever) and give yourself your best …every day!

“Habit is habit, and not to be flung out the window.. but coaxed downstairs a step at a time.”–Mark Twain.

[response to an online diet support leader who suggested having a weight lose mantra to use daily as an affirmation statement .]

Thank you for the tips about a mantra. The one thing that comes to mind is a line from the movie “The Hurricane” starring Denzel Washington. If you haven’t seen the movie, I recommend it. So this is my mantra taken from that movie because it really is something that I recently learned about myself and why I have been morbidly obese for HALF of my life.

“Hate got me in this and Love is going to get me out.”

I doubled my weight back in 1983 because I “hated” myself. Oh, I never could really admit that until very recently but I remember two comments that rang so true to me: one was said a very long time ago and shortly after I had gained 60-80 lbs within a matter of 5 months (yes it is possible). One of my Mom’s friends said, “Boy, P. must really be unhappy.” [Note: my average weight when this woman had seen me was between 125-135 lbs at 5'7"] The other one was said within the past week by our M. here (a dear friend of mine whom I had the pleasure of getting know last year and who has overcome so much)when she said she was looking at an old picture of herself and she said that she noticed how unhappy she looked. I want to take this opportunity to dispel the myth of “fat and jolly”. I was not ever a “fat and jolly” person. I was a mean, sometimes spiteful, frightened, bitter, critical, judgmental, mistrustful, controlling and pessimistic person. I thought I could hide those qualities behind a fake smile or concillatory nature but I am sure that I didn’t. Our feelings come out sideways if they come out at all. Am I that person that I used to be? No, I have been slowly changing over the past year or so. I guess, I needed to be ill and sick and weak for me to finally admit that I wasn’t the person who I thought I was and I probably never was either. Underneath all of that “garbage” I found out that I am actually quite a caring and compassionate person. Who knew? So, that is my mantra and what those words mean to me. I hated myself for a lot of the wrong reasons but it wasn’t until I began (and it was a slow process) to begin to accept myself “just as I am” (and that is really scary too) that I began to love myself. It is a slow and sometimes quiet process but it is happening. I am finally learning that I am okay “just as I am”. Once I began to love myself, I wanted different things. One of those was to quit punishing myself with extra food. I have no idea what awaits for me in the future but I pray to God that it will not be a repeat of the past.

So, my mantra is “Hate got me in this and Love is going to get me out.”

“Actions speak louder than words.”

What does that mean when it comes to weight lose, eating healthy and improving your overall state of health? Everything!

If you are new to “all of this”, much of it can seem overwhelming at first. Sometimes, you get caught up in a wave of activity that has you doing this or doing that and, sometimes, you aren’t even sure whether it is something that you even want to do let alone wonder why you agreed to do in the first place?

If you are an emotional eater, you are going to react to all of this new regimen–emotionally, like you have everything else in your life. Unfortunately, sometimes, when you react emotionally to all of the “dos and don’ts” of your new lifestyle that you are trying to “perfect”, you turn to your old stand-by: extra food!

What, you say, that wasn’t part of the “plan”? No but it often and does happen. So, what is the “fix” for that? ( we are always looking for a fix, right?) Well, it is easier said than done but it is exactly what you need to do!

“Fake it until you make it!” is one saying that comes to mind.

As a recovering emotional eater, at one point in your shedding off your old past, you need to “let go”: let go of former beliefs, let go of former habits and, yes possibly, let go of former “acquaintances, places, foods, etc.”; if you are to create a new life for yourself. What does it mean? Only by you “letting go” of “the way” you used to know and live will you find out.

Recently, I read one woman, who was over 100 lbs overweight, bemoan the fact that she had “given up so much” and yet she still wasn’t losing weight. What she had “given up” (and it had only been temporary) was GS cookies (’tis the season), free office retirement cake, movie popcorn and trips through fast food drive-thrus. Should we be sympathetic (read: being an enabler)? NO!

What she has failed to realize is that she is not giving up those particular foods but her “attachment” to them. By her actions, she is still telling us and herself that life without those food items is “dull, lifeless, unbearable, not as sweet (that might be true for a brief moment)” and how could she possibly live if she isn’t “rewarded” with some kind of weight lose for all of that “sacrifice.”? She may not know it today but if she truly wants to lose weight, this is a “cake walk” (no pun intended) compared to what she really may have to “sacrifice”. In fact, that is only the beginning.

The best gauge of how well you are doing today with your relationship with food is to look around and view your actions as if you were looking at a stranger crossing the street? If you saw yourself in that way, would you say that person had a good relationship with food or “otherwise”?

When I see a person who is trim, walking with a confident stride with head held up high and breathing in the air around her I don’t see someone that I necessarily envy (fortunately, I am not a particularly jealous person by nature) but someone that I know has worked hard to look, feel and be “that way”. If you are a person who considers that other person “lucky”, think again! Nine times out of ten that person worked hard to be, look and feel that way. Sorry, but that is the real truth.

Now, comes the second part of what I said earlier: “faking it until you make it.” What does that mean exactly? It means that you get up at 5 a.m. to do your workout if that is the only time you can fit it in your daily schedule. If you say, but I’m not a morning person. Well, now comes the “faking part”: be one whether you like it, want it, aspire to it or embrace it. The same goes for your food plan. How badly do you want to be slender, thin, a “normal” weight for your height, etc? Badly enough to possibly have a piece of birthday cake once a year (yours only) and pass the other 20+x that happen (birthdays happen every day!)throughout the year? Passing on it doesn’t mean you have to like doing that…think of it is more as pursuing the ‘greater good’. Which reminds me of another saying, “Nothing tastes as good as thin feels.”

We, as emotional eaters, developed a lot of attachments to particular foods. The problem is that until we “let go” of these attachments, there is no room for other “things”( including people) that might be better for us and our overall well-being.

So, for today, what does your actions say about who you are today? Is this the message you want to present to the world but, even more importantly, to yourself?

It has been seven days when I decided to accept the offer of a “food sponsor” and began the daily process of both logging my food that I have consumed but also handing the results over to someone else. This requires a lot of self-honesty for starters. It also requires a trust in a Higher Power that will guide me and lead me to making the best choices for myself then following through on them.

From the start, since I am also a recovering “people pleaser”, I did not want to get into the mindset of doing this to “please” my food sponsor. This is and always will be for my own benefit. I may have to remind myself this more often during the start of this but this is not for her. She has already gone through her own reporting and subsequent accountability with her own food “sponsor”.

I also had to be careful that I didn’t get overly defensive (another character defect of mine) if she would question some of my choices; i.e., one half of a Kit Kat bar that my husband left out for me. I did feel a few hairs stand up on my arm when I explained my choice but what I was even more “proud” of was that I was honest about making that choice, I took responsibility for it and I also both logged and fit it into my daily calorie range. Although I may not have gotten an A for effort I do feel I would have given myself a B for my own self-governing rules: being scrupulously honest with myself and her, taking ownership of my choice and having made a conscious choice to depart from my food plan.

The first few days the only thought(s) that I had was just doing my best not to “screw up” and fall off the wagon before I ever left the barnyard to “take it on the road”. First of all, in the past I was accustomed to responding to anything that felt like hunger by eating. Armed with a food plan of my choice, the only thought(s) I had was doing my best to follow it and stay on it. Fortunately, I had done this part in the past so I fell into that quickly but what I hadn’t done in the past was “turn it over” to a food sponsor by the end of the day.

The symbolic significance of doing this was that I was acknowledging the kitchen was not open 24/7 but that it was off limits once my food plan had been handed in for that 24 hour period. I had never done this before. Fortunately, spiritually I had come to a place where I really did want to do this for my own integrity. I did not mention to my food sponsor how difficult this was those first several days but it was. Two reasons why I didn’t: 1) I really do not know this woman at all, I just met her within the last month and I didn’t even know anything about her personal weight lose history other than she confided that she was in maintenance and that she had a food sponsor as well that she turned over her daily food plan to and 2) it was “pride”. I simply did not want to admit how I was reeling from chronic insomnia, acute inflammation and now I was also attempting to not turn to food to ease either of those persistent, nagging problems in my life. I did share that I was dealing with these other things but since she doesn’t know my personal history she may not have seen the significance of all that was swirling around me.  I’ll get the “awwws” from my sweet hubby, who is also a part time enabler and whom I love anyway because I know he will apologize for being so and who wants both for me to be happy but also will bend the rules in doing so.

I also became aware of something else by the fourth day of eating abstinently. I was really experiencing a lot of tension and I really felt like I was “white knuckling” just to stay on my food plan. I was just so hungry physically. I was averaging 2400+ calories a day before I decided to stay within 1400-1800 calories. In fairness to myself around 600-800 calories were in extra milk and food to buffer my aching stomach when I was taking my pain meds. Still, my body was used to a lot more food. Fortunately, I “hung in there” and by the fourth day it eased up enough where I felt like I could relax some.

Another reason became apparent by the third day of staying on my food plan and why I was also overeating. It was when I decided to cease taking my nighttime sleep aid which I had been taking every night for 12 1/2 years. With no food on my stomach, I literally was doubled over in pain one morning at breakfast. I swore right then and there I could not take any more of this. I was risking serious health problems if I continued.  I had freely admitted in the past that I was taking twice as much in half the time recommended with fourth of the effect. I was chasing one problem with yet another. I really was concerned one morning I just might not wake up! I knew that I could die from an overdose. It would have been accidental but I would still be dead.

So, now not only was I physically hungry but I was also going through a chemical withdrawal from these nighttime sleep aids. My legs were jerking so strongly it awoke my husband. I had to sit on the edge of bed and rub them over and over just to calm them down. I also felt nauseous with a blinding headache. I felt like my entire head was in a very tight vice that encircled my back of my head, up through the sides pressing hard above my ears and through my skull. All of this on top of the acute inflammation I was experiencing in my left shoulder that radiated through my upper back and into the base of my neck. Could it get any worse? I wasn’t sure.

Well, by the middle of the fourth day, with only one dosage of strong NSAIDs in my system, I felt relieved that my body seemed to be “quiet”. The pain in my left shoulder was “tolerable”; at least according to m standards (I have built up quite a tolerance of chronic pain), I was only mildly hungry and I was able to sleep 4 hours without interruption. I had come a long way in just a few short days.

Then, something happened last night(day six). I just felt so giddy  that I had broke 260 lbs, that I could report my true and accurate weight instead of fudging on it like I had done often in the past(finding the lightest day of the previous week and reporting that for instance when it might have only reflected the one or two really good days in a week of roller coaster eating) that I felt like I “should” go into the kitchen and make myself something to eat “to celebrate”. I had never seen the connection between my feelings and eating (without being physically hungry) so clearly as I did at that moment. I didn’t eat, which I am glad to say, but it was a real “a-ha” moment for me. It made me wonder just what wasn’t “eating” to me. It seems there was a lot of blurring that I simply had not been aware of before.

Finally, in the past, when I had tried to eat abstinently, I had always felt a sense of confusion about what exactly I was trying to do and why so I wasn’t certain that I was actually doing so. I feel so fortunate that I had a real moment of clarity regarding this yesterday. It dawned on me on what is “required” of me in terms of eating abstinently: just follow my BLC food plan. It fits within the OA guidelines: it is well balanced nutritionally if I follow it as it is laid out, it emphasizes healthy food, the calories are within an acceptable range for my age, height and current weight, and it “fosters” eating to live and not living to eat. So, if I accomplish this each day then I am eating abstinently and abstaining from compulsive overeating and building on one more day of recovery. I understand now! It is crystal clear to me.

Another revelation that I had that really “brings this home to/for me” is there is an ending to eating. It doesn’t go on “forever”. This really gets at the core of one of my persistent former eating habits: grazing. I am/was a person who just thought the kitchen was always “open”. It is not any more. Hopefully, those days are behind me but, for now, I realize that I may have to be reminded of this on a daily basis as well as any time when old habits resurface.

By having these guidelines to stay within; i.e., a specific amount of calories within each macro-nutrient category (carbohydrates, fat, protein, fiber, sodium) gives me the structure that I need to practice my daily abstinence. Eating is not something that is a mindless activity to do along with other activities. It is a separate activity which serves a purpose in sustaining my life and it has nothing to do with anything else that my addiction may want to corrupt it with ; such as, feelings of all kinds including excitability or boredom; reoccurring mental state like mild-moderate depression; physical conditions such as pain or fatigue; and a spiritual isolation which can often be experienced as a sense of separation from other people and my Higher Power. All of these “conditions” can be relieved without extra food. It is my responsibility to find the solutions that work for me. No excuses.

Then, another thought surfaced: “Am I really doing this?” This thought  was followed by “Can I do this until I get the results that I have so hoped and longed for?” The answer for me is “Yes” as long as I focus on today and not “plan” [which for me amounts to obsessing, worrying and having a lot of free floating anxiety about] but only “prepare” for whatever outcome following my food plan will give me. Now, I “get” what doing the “footwork” means! I follow my food plan. The rest is up to God and how my body responds to the food choices that I make. If I “work” the OA program of recovery from compulsive overeating, binging and yo-yo dieting, then I will not only be “free” from this food addiction that has plagued me for over thirty years, but I will also be a healthier person who will probably weigh less as a result since I will finally be eating only what my body can use as fuel.

As the first week of abstinent eating is coming to end, and although I am still experiencing a sense of wanting to hang onto “whatever” as tightly as I can, I do have moments of feeling a quiet stillness within my heart and soul. When I do, I relax and I don’t hold on as tightly. This is what living free from the obsession of compulsive eating is like. God willing, this is only the beginning of my life without excess food and unwanted extra physical girth. Time will tell.