It is okay not knowing and not having all of the answers. I don’t. I have some answers to some questions but I honestly do not have all the answers. I never will and I am okay with that.
I am closing in on the second year that this online blog has been available for me to not only connect with my own thoughts, dreams and desires but also to (bravely) share them unedited for total strangers to read. I am sure the fact that I am not able to see any/all of your faces is a protective “shield”, much like many of our Super Heroes had, and which I am very grateful for. I will say that my intent today is the same as it was nearly two years ago: making peace with food. I will freely admit that I didn’t really know what exactly that meant or exactly how to go about it but like most journeys I set out with the intention of finding out. I am grateful to say that I am beginning to find out what that means.
Here are a few things that I found out along the way. 1) Trust myself and what my inner (hopefully higher as well) self is telling me. 2) Be open to other people’s suggestions but measure and weigh their opinions carefully. 3) Although this may sound like a conflicting statement: In the end, you are the best judge of what is best for you! 4) Once again, this may sound like it conflicts with the previous statement which seemed to conflict with the preceding statement before that but; you may hear a truth about yourself coming out of another person’s mouth. Does that make sense? It will when it happens.
For example, I was really feeling torn about some of the choices that I had either seemed to avoid making or had abandoned until one night when I was pouring my soul out to my husband, P., he said very calmly (he usually is anyway): “St. Teresa of Avila once told the nuns she was in charge of, ‘God’s will is going to happen regardless of whether you want it to or not.’ I so needed to hear that! I have made no secret that I have a chronic twelve year history of insomnia. At times, it gets worse but my mind never seems to go to sleep. Even when I sleep, I think. Lately, it has gotten a lot worse. I have been ruminating over so many different things in my life, including about the mechanics of losing weight. When I heard those words, my shoulders dropped and I relaxed. You mean if I get it wrong, it will happen anyway? Yes, “if it is meant to be.”
So, what does that mean? I have heard that saying as much as most of you. The question to ask is: is this in my best interest? If it is, then the next question is: does my heart long for this? If it does, then the follow up question is: do I have the courage to reach for this, no matter what? If you have three resounding ‘Yeses!!”, you can almost be certain that it is God’s will. The real litmus test is the outcome: if something happens in spite of repeated efforts, failures and obstacles beyond any one’s comprehension, you KNOW it is God’s will.
For me, this amounts to less controlling, less anxiety, less fretting, worrying and obsessing and more relaxing, more believing and more “letting go” than this recovering control freak could ever phantom or imagine. As I have shared in the past two years, most often something didn’t happen because of my efforts and not because of lack of effort. Does that make sense? From here, it makes perfect sense! I have discovered already that I have been my own worst enemy. Bar none!
So, as I round off this year and look forward to a new year and a clean slate, I can say this: I am okay with not knowing. I don’t know when I will be my end goal weight. I don’t know what that end goal weight is sitting right here even but I do know is that I am willing to step aside and let things happen that are “meant” to happen. One day at a time.