April 29, 2011:
After having quite a couple of absolutely horrible nights, I want so badly to get my joints taken care of, I can “taste it”. I awoke the past two mornings to horrible leg cramps. I had been drinking more diet soda and some of it caffeinated rather than plain water. That’s what Paul think attributed to all the lower leg cramping. My left calf muscles are still hurting from two days ago. Well, now that we can relax about money for the time being, we can actually enjoy each day a little bit more. Today, I restarted my diet. I am calling it “Beck Plus Diet” since I will using the Beck Diet techniques to help me lose the weight and keep it off. Last night, I did exactly as she recommended and I pre-planned all of today’s meals and snacks. As things would have it, all of the up and down last night along with not getting to sleep until 5 am screwed that up. I was mad at first but, in spite, of a rocky start the rest of the day fell into place fine. I did manage to have both fruit and vegetables, drink some water and keep my calories (narrowly) under 2100 calories. Not bad for a first day.
started out weighing 273.2 lb. I changed both my “official” weigh-ins on both 3FC and BLC. Considering that I was 278 lb a few days ago I think that shows why I was so dehydrated. I decided that I wouldn’t count my “first 5 lbs” lost until I hit 265 lbs. I have chosen a new pair of shoes as my “non food reward”. Now, the “job” will be which ones. I do feel “ready” and “prepared” to take on the rigors of dieting now more than ever after going through the first 14 days “prep” work from this book. Some of the things she has said are “obvious” to me now but they weren’t when I first read them. I added a couple of my own. One thing is I told Paul to stop bringing me home any desserts or treats that he gets when he goes to choir practice. I am sure that there might be a time when he forgets and does so anyway but, for now, I have told him not to and I hope that will make it easier for me to not go off my diet. Another thing I did is draw a line about “desserts” overall. Since I end up eating “the whole thing” when I buy a candy bar, even if it is dark chocolate, I have put that on my “No Choice” list for the time being. I have also decided not to buy nuts for the same reason. I just plain overdo them. I will add other food items on that same list if I see they are becoming a “problem”.
The next thing that I need to get working on is making exercise a priority again. It has been quite awhile since I did any “specific” exercise so it might take some doing to get back into that habit again.
Once again, I am having another all nighter where I can’t seem to settle down when I go to bed and I end up spending most of the night here at the computer. I can’t seem to get my right leg to feel good enough so that it will allow me to fall asleep. I am so glad that I went to Mass last night. I told P (once again) that is probably what I am going to have to do (again) until all of this straightens itself out. After Mass last night, we went to SS Diner. I had a copy of their menu so I knew what I was going to eat when I got there. The meal still ended up being over 1000 calories and around 1500 mg sodium. We planted our garden and finished just as it was getting dark. It filled up nicely. I suggested that we go to McD’s and have a cone. Well, when we got there I thought I would be even more “virtuous” and I ordered the fruit n yogurt parfait. It was good and it did satisfy my desire for something. Again, it was wanting to eat not necessarily that I was very hungry. I could hear my thoughts thinking that I wanted to “reward” myself for both eating well when we were out and finishing planting our garden. Again, “rewarding myself” with food. Some thoughts die hard.
Then, I was faced with yet another dilemma. I was hungry when we got home. I struggled with it for awhile. When P went to bed, the food came out. I finished the remainder of my salad as I was logging my food. Then, the pain started in. I just went ahead and began eating almost non-stop. I wasn’t necessarily hungry but I was eating to distract myself from the pain I was feeling. I shared this with my diet support group. I hate to admit to things like this but it is the real deal. Here I log my food but I go over my calorie limit often. Well, at least, I know what I need to work on. By the looks of it, I have quite a bit if/when I am going to lose all of this weight. As I read through this book, it becomes clearer to me why I have remained obese for so long. I have been my own worst enemy.
I was being unrelenting in getting the garden watered so I said that I would go along with. I understand why he would feel that I am always asking him to do something. I said so too. So, we went to our garden and watered it. The flowers look in rough shape. I had forgot that with larger root balls you need to fill the hole partially with water and if you can let a hose run as well. We gave it a gallon of water today and it is supposed to rain tomorrow morning. Let’s hope it pulls through. I suggested that we get the car washed. The really bad part of the spring pollen is behind us so I thought we could wash the rest of it away. It also helps to vacuum the inside. Then, we wrapped up our “errands” by grocery shopping. I went in with P since I knew that it is hard for him to do shopping for me and I just wanted to get set for the week coming up in terms of food for my meals and his as well. I could have easily bought a couple hundred dollars more worth of foods. I like to try new products that I haven’t seen before. I am glad that P is carrying more and more organic food choices. I am careful though to balance choosing only those with what we can also “afford”. Thank God, we could buy a week’s worth of groceries although I will admit that we are doing so on borrowed money. Well, I should feel really good about going into this coming week. I have lots of fruits n vegetables.
Well, I can also say that I got in some spontaneous exercise today. If I hadn’t had such a bad nights’ sleep I would have tried to begin today working out. So, tomorrow I am going to follow one (or two) of those new dvds that I bought recently. I am also going to do the strength exercises as well. I have really floundered in this area for the past couple of months. I just have. I know that I have had different “reasons” but I also need to find “reasons” from now on to do it as well. First, I need to get back to getting some regular sleep. Then, I need to put more structure into my days. I swear I barely know from one day to the next what day it is. I sit here at this computer all day and night, playing online games and, on occasion, talking to PK or sending messages back and forth to BLC members or posting on my Beck diet group thread and that ends up being my day. I’m not proud of it at all. I feel like I so unproductive most days
Well, some of the behaviors that Dr. Beck suggests changing so you can lose weight is drawing a line on food you will and won’t eat. I have allowed just about anything at one point or another. So, moving forward, I am going to do my best to avoid desserts or anything with empty calories which also would include regular soda like Coke (my favorite) and junk foods like potato chips. For the time being, I have also drawn a line regarding delivery pizza. First of all, I ended up eating a lot more than I should, it is high in everything: sugar, fat and salt, but I usually end up getting a regular Coke with it as well. I do need to have a plan though for the times we might end up eating at a fast food restaurant. I guess, probably pick the least “offensive”. At McD”s that could mean a smaller burger and fries with a diet Coke. I could even “indulge” and have a fruit n yogurt parfait for dessert. If I wanted to spend the money, I could add a salad for the added “bulk” that would provide. I feel pretty comfortable in sit down restaurants since the ones we frequent do have choices that are relatively easy to fit in my food plan. In fact, this restaurant we went to last night had a really novel idea: a scoop of cottage cheese surrounded by fresh fruit chunks made to look like a banana split. I thought it was “rather clever”. I may not be able to get around the increased sodium but I can, at least, feel comfortable ordering what I need to order without the other person feeling they have to eat “my way”.
Another thing that I am going to do my best on is to keep from having “trigger” foods come here. It will be difficult as it is to avoid them “in public” so I don’t need that added stress of having to dodge them here. I think Paul will be quite good at doing that. He doesn’t seem to get cravings very often
Another thing that I am going to try and eliminate starting tonight is eating late at night. I used to not have this problem but it seems to crop back up. I want to save my calories for the day time when I will enjoy them more. So, what I am going to do my best to accomplish this coming week is to eat within my calorie range and even a little under it if I can. And, begin getting some regular exercise in every day, if possible.
Well, P agreed to sleep out on the living room floor on our sofa cushions while I slept in our bed alone. It worked. I was able to stay in bed for close to 6 hours. I did awake to go to the bathroom a few times but for the most part the pain in my right hip and leg was subdued enough so I could sleep lightly throughout the night. I got up around 6:45 a.m. and I ate breakfast while talking to Paul. I haven’t done this in quite a few weeks, if not a month or so. I weighed in at 270.8 lb. –up .2 oz from a few days ago but glad that the calories I ate for breakfast were at a more “normal” time of the day for breakfast. I am also very pleased to announce that my morning fasting blood glucose is 98 mg/dl. I haven’t had my blood glucose this low in the morning since mid-June 2010 when I was really sticking to my food plan. So, I can see what I need to do to get that kind of number.
I decided that since I had eaten half of my calories in the wee hours of yesterday, as I had done the night before, and then when I awoke I had a “regular” meal that I would do my best to not eat much for supper last night. I had an apple, a cup of raw carrots and a drizzle of ranch dressing. Then, as a late night snack before going to bed I had some Smart Balance popcorn. I am really relieved that I have a lot of fresh fruits n vegetables to eat for this coming week. That has become my new “concern”.. making sure that I get those in each day. I need this leg up for my food plan and recommitting to it. I was just sharing with P about how I am somewhat surprised and concerned that one of the “coach” in our Beck Diet Solution group seems to still have problems with certain foods and leaving them alone after 3 1/2 years of maintenance of losing 81 lbs. It sure makes me wonder if that is what I will be doing that many years after losing all of the weight. I guess, I won’t know until I get there. I also thought it was interesting that this same “coach” just recently traded in some old sweat pants, which this “coach” was still wearing up until a few weeks ago, with some new ones. I am hoping that I will bide farewell to everything that is the larger sizes as soon as I am out of them. I mean, I couldn’t imagine wearing something that I could fit into 40 lbs ago let alone 80 lbs.
Again, I had read the book when we lived in our other apartment which was before April 2008 and I shrugged it off as just too much work to do at the time. Well, now I don’t so I guess I had to go through the past several years to get to the place where I am ready to begin thinking like a thin person.
Right now, I am hopeful because for the most part I really do like the foods that I have chosen when I went grocery shopping yesterday. I love seeing so many healthy food choices in my grocery cart. I feel like I am really doing some good for myself. I see hope when I look at all this food. Hope that I will lose this weight and I will become thin once again. Some of the principles that she espouses here I have actually used to help pay for our bills in the past few years. I remember just wanting to get through one month without having an bank overdraft. Then, we began applying that to making sure we paid our rent on time. Initially, it seemed a lot harder. Then, for awhile, it became relatively easy but then when our finances changed, going downward, it became more difficult. I hope that our finances will improve and we can get back to a place where we can pay all of our bills on time every month. Still, in spite, of the past six months of increasing hardships we have managed to scrape together the money we needed to keep things going.
So, maybe, that might be the cycle I could expect with losing weight. Maybe, initially, it will be more difficult as I put into place the things that I need to do in order to set things in motion. I just hope it won’t follow the pattern above but, again, if I need to I can always return to the book and review the different steps to get back and stay on track. I mean, look what I have been able to do in the past three months. I have been able to make a conscious choice to eat fruits n vegetables every day for the past month. I have also begun drinking more water throughout the day although I still fall back on diet soda from time to time.
So, breaking the 130 lbs remaining for me to lose into 5 lbs increments really begins to sound doable. When I first had a desire to stop paying out $135+ each month for bank overdrafts it did involve a lot more conscious effort on our part. It’s been so long since that happened that I honestly don’t remember exactly what I did but I think one thing I did for quite some time was keep a running log on when certain bills were due. I know that I agreed to have some of our bills on auto pay because I wanted to make sure that those always got paid, no matter what! I also would do a quarterly review of what our expenses were and, if possible, I tried really hard to reduce the cost or even eliminate it, if I could. Getting rid of our storage unit two years ago was a fairly big step. As was, paying off the car. Still, I am really “proud” of the fact that I am stepping up to the plate on this, in spite of the circumstances we are presently in.
I just hope that I will be able to say the same thing regarding my weight. I think so if I do all of this consistently. I could be in Onderland by the end of this year. For me, that will be a huge accomplishment since I haven’t seen those numbers since 1982!! Going on 30 years!! Amazing. All I can say is that I will feel like I have been “reborn”. I will feel and be a new person. So, when I hear the Beck’s diet Coach say he finally got rid of his old sweatpants after several years of losing weight, I have to wonder “why” did you wait so long?
Now, I am really glad that I got rid of a lot of my clothes already and as I move into the warmer weather and I am back to wearing some of my “stand bys”, I actually look forward to even letting these go to either Goodwill or to the garbage. I used to think that I would try to alter some of my favorite clothes but, quite honestly, I will be glad to get rid of a lot of these clothes including some former favorites. I don’t know how much extra money I will have to buy new clothes but I will make sure that I buy a few things just so I can reinforce having a new figure. When you have a really nice figure you don’t need as many clothes either. I have an abundance of clothes down to size 22W. After that, it gets very scarce. However, by that time, I might even find some second hand clothes that will help me bridge the gap in sizes. Instead, I am putting my focus on getting some new shoes. Besides, being a “non-food reward” for weight lose, it is one thing that I can wear after I have lost all of the weight.
Well, I went to my follow up contact lens appointment. I got a free trial pair. He checked my eyes again and he said that I had the vision of a 40 year old. Nice to hear for an almost 58 year old. He seemed impressed. I am more relieved than anything. I credit it with my improved diet. I suggested eating something out since we were going over the dinner hour for this appointment and with travel time I figured that if we made the chicken I was thawing we wouldn’t be eating until 8:30 pm at the earliest. So, we ate at A’s.
Well, I have been making some pretty good choices for meals the past couple of days and it is paying off in terms of my blood glucose readings. Today, about 2 hours after our evening meal, my blood glucose was 104 mg/dl. Amazing! I would say that I know that I am finally doing the right thing. Now, to just see this pay off in terms of weight lose.
I had yet another horrible night’s sleep. Today, I had some really “scary” things happen to me. I haven’t been taking my Aleve very often since I have been taking more Tylenol PM just to get some sleep. My waking hours are definitely messed up. While I was loading the dishwasher as I was leaning over I kept getting sharp pains in my right thigh and my right knee, which would lock up on me. It was quite sudden, without warning and painful. I was afraid to be in the shower, wet and all slippery, so I sat on a folding chair and gave myself a “sitz bath” then washed my hair.
I asked him if he would mind stopping by and picking me up. I think I need to get out of the apartment. It is supposed to be really cool tomorrow for this time of year–more like February weather— so it would be nice to get out and get some fresh air. Well, in spite of another rocky nights’ sleep, I did rally around once I got up. I was able to get a nice dinner together by the time P came home. We had baked chicken, kernel corn, fresh asparagus, and baked potatoes
So, I have done a few things today. I am on Day 20 of the Beck Diet Solution. Actually, technically it is Wednesday and I did it Tuesday night while I was watching tv. It is “Getting on Track”. I do think that I am quite good at this. I go off my food plan often enough that it seems like I am
“getting back on track” more often than I care to admit. I ended up making 3 response cards for this technique because it really resonated with me. I do now realize that I can do even better than I have been doing. For example, if I were to have pizza, I could also stop when I am full which would mean fewer calories that I have transgressed. Before, I often ate until I was really stuffed because I felt like I was having my “Last Supper”. I did that a couple days last week when I knew that I would be recommitting to a reduced food plan. I ate to the point where I felt my stomach was going to explode. It was really uncomfortable but there was a part of me that felt I wouldn’t be able to enjoy foods like spaghetti again for a very long time. Well, that isn’t true but I will have to make sure I eat a lot less at one sitting.
What I like about some of the techniques is that it really forces your hand to “draw a line” where you just won’t go off your food plan no matter what. However, she also takes a step further and says that if you do go off your food plan then don’t use that as an excuse to just continue to overeat but just back on your food plan for the next meal and chalk it up to “experience”. That is a more realistic way to view “slip ups”. The more I learn about what I can do to move through this dieting process easier the more I just want to see those numbers drop. Watching “Biggest Loser”, I noticed that on average the women have lost 20 lbs a month and the men have lost 28 lbs. They have been on the ranch for five months. So, the absolute best that I could expect would be to lose 4-5 lbs a week.
I am losing again. I noticed that I do lose if I can keep my calorie limit around 1900 or less. Ideally, less. So, I am going to try harder to stay under that. I am on Day 21 in the Beck Diet Solution book. I have quite a few cards to read each day. I’ve been so busy making cards I will admit that I haven’t been reading twice daily but I am reading them by the end of the night. These are the kinds of behaviors I need to be applying to my weight lose efforts. I really believe it will make the difference. I have lost 4 lbs since last Friday and since that was my “official” start date using the Beck Diet principles, I decided that I could go ahead and “reward” myself with my first pair of shoes.
So, nervously, I went on DSW site and I looked through all of the shoes. There are so many to choose from and I could only pick one pair. It took about an hour but I decided on a pair of dressier sandals that could be worn with a dress or skirt as well as shorts or capris. Besides, it marking my first mini goal acheived (I’m assuming I will lose the other pound by the time the shoes arrive in 5-7 business days), I didn’t “settle on” just any old pair of shoes. I got a designer brand (Jones New York) and they were just shy of being $50 (my arbitrary top limit for sandals). So, not only did I “reward” myself, I also rewarded myself with something of desired “quality and status” These were not a pair of flip flops in the $3 bin. Not that there is anything wrong with that but this time I really wanted to make it “special”.
Now, when will the next 5 lbs come off? Well, that is hard to say. I find it discouraging when Dr. Beck “warns” that our weight lose will be uneven, back and forth, etc. I already have that. Tell me something I would prefer to hear. So, all I can say is that I will look forward to buying my next pair of shoes, the next pair after that and so on. Now, I will have to take out my warm weather clothes and see kinds of colors and styles I need to consider when buying my next pair. I also need to begin exercising. I haven’t even considered that the past 4-5 days simply because I couldn’t find any peace either laying down or even sitting long in a chair.
I don’t want to get too overly focused on the numbers either since I do have a long way to go and it could be so tempting to do something to “hurry it along”. Again, this is where patience comes in handy. So, instead, I need to think about other things that I need to do something about. Depending on how my night’s sleep goes tonight and then how I feel tomorrow I may go ahead and start tomorrow.
[Note: I have been keeping a ongoing private journal separately from this diet blog which I am now incorporating some of that material into this blog. Dates written are actual although published at a much later date.]