but we carried on anyway
Here is some cheese to go with all that whine I offered yesterday.
…Here is just a little more.
After wrestling with the idea all day and getting some encouragement from one of my co-workers, I decided I really did need to share how I was feeling with DH. I will say this. It could have got a lot better. I was trying to explain that I was unhappy that I no longer spent time doing activities that I felt had a big part in defining who I am. For example, playing the flute. DH got a little defensive explaining to me that I already have something to do with my time when I’m not at work, working to help support the family. I’m a mother obviously! At that point I was so taken aback by his response I couldn’t say anything else. This evening I tried to clarify with him that I didn’t mean I was unhappy with our marriage or our family or being a mother. Which I thought was kind of stating the obvious but hey, we were there talking about it, weren’t we?
I offered up the fact that I’m unhappy with my body despite the changes I’ve made. He said nothing. I offered up that I’m unhappy with my relationship with God. He said nothing. I was looking for some kind of support and communication, he gave me nothing. I left the room. I didn’t dare bring up how devestatingly lonely I feel sometimes. I have never once begrudged him of the fact that I left my family so he wouldn’t have to leave his. I knew what I was doing when I made that decision and I stand by it. I don’t have any friends here. DH is quick to point out that he doesn’t have any either. I never say it, but the same thought always rings in my head “But you have your family!”
I never say it.
Anyway, I just thought you might like some follow-up on that awful brattiness.
today:
weigh in: 173.2 (boo-hiss!)
lunch: Smart Ones Ravioli Florentine
dinner: 2 servings Zatarains Reduced Sodium Jambalaya
dessert: ww smart ones chocolate chip cookie dough sundae
snack: one laughing cow wedge with a 100 calorie pack of wheat thin chips.
6 glasses of water. No soda. No caffeine. Man, do I have a headache.
Filed under: daily ponderings on February 27th, 2009
Good thing I am a woman, you won’t smack me when i ask if it is the time of the month or close to it? I have been a complete monster the past 2 days. I don’t even want to apologize for it. Why should I? I had to go through it too. It must be TOM. There’s no other explanation. I’m nearly nuts in my behavior.
I also left my family and friends when DH and I moved from IL to Las Vegas NV when I was only 19. It was tough! Life is tough. Relationships are TOUGH. I think one of the reasons I gained so much weight was because I was unhappy for so long. I felt stuck. I felt like our relationship was never going to be what I imagined. It probably won’t be. I think I gave up somehwere. It is what it is. Good thing though, he listens, we have the same beliefs ( he brought the Lord to me), he works hard for us, he loves me, I love him.
It took a decade before I started to feel at ease with his mother. I couldnt run home to mommy anymore. I didn’t really make friends like the ones I grew up with and left behind. I was young, he was 32. I felt like I missed out on something along the line. I wasn’t the love of his life which he had just before me and she broke his heart. I think since I couldn’t get it to be the way I wanted to, I started to eat more.
Two things I highly recommend for you and they both are your own focus, not his or anyone elses’.
Exercise. I can’t believe how much it changes my life. Do it regularly. You’ll see and feel results. You’ll start to like it.
The other thing is read your bible and pray to Jesus to come into your heart and lead your life. I think ultimately we cannot trust or depend on anyone else and are alone with the exception of Him. May he fill your heart with joy.
Keep going. Never give up.
Hey There,
I read your blog pretty consistently even if I dont comment much. I think you’re really an inspiration, and honestly you’re so brave and strong for leaving your hometown and family to be with your husband and start your family. Undoubtedly it is important to follow one’s heart.
That being said, I think everyone should have friends, whether or not they are married/have families, I think friendships are really important to have and definitely fulfill aspects of one’s life that I’m not sure family/husbands/wives are supposed to completely fill. I obviously don’t know what your town/city is like, but would it be possible to join Mommy & Me classes, so that maybe you could meet other mothers who have kids that are the same age as your son, and that way you could maybe meet some new people? Or, is there something like an adult orchestra or music group you could join where you could both play your flute and meet new people?
I think you are 150% justified to have the feelings you are about being lonely, being uncomfortable with your body, missing playing your flute etc. And it doesnt seem like your husband is being all that supportive in your pursuit to address some of your concerns. While being a mother/wife is surely one of your tip top priorities in your life, I dont think that needs to exclude other things you enjoyed in the past, like friends and playing the flute..so, I think if there’s a way you could find out how to get involved in your community with those things, it could really help you to address those issues.
Re: Your feelings about your body, I think that just may take time as you continue to adjust to your new hotness/fitness.
I hope you feel better about all of this!! I definitely dont think this is whining and therefore no cheese is necessary. I think your feelings are completely valid and you are entirely justified in expressing them
~Travelgal
I understand. While I love being a mother, it doesn’t define me - that’s not the only thing I am. We need more than work and parenthood, for fulfilling and rich lives.
I think Travelgal’s recommendation of joining a music group is brilliant. We have several such groups in our small town. It may take some searching - but you’ll find where you belong. Could you volunteer your musical skills to the church? Flutes sound so pretty echoing through a church (I’m a trumpet player, more blasty loud, eh?).
We also have the Mommy/Baby deals TG mentioned. Some are sponsored through churches, some the Y and some community centers. Community centers are a great resource, offering all kinds of affordable classes from kid fitness, to martial arts to MUSIC. Bonus? Everyone is new the first day - you’re not a stranger.
I’m sorry your husband didn’t offer immediate support or appropriate responses when you needed them. Is he more of a logical thinker who needs to assess before responding? Mine is. I hope he’s thinking on it and will help you out soon.
ok
Aw hun I am so sorry. I really wish he would have reacted differently. Sounds like he took it as a personal attack on him and the family, but you and I both know it wasn’t. I’m sorry he wasn’t able to see that. Hopefully he is able to see it soon. *hugs*
I agree with most of what was said by everyone above me here in the comments.
You have a right to feel what you feel. Sometimes our men need to hear that we want to share and express what is going on in our heads because “they as spouses” are so important to us. That usually will open the door to communication. Tell him you want him to be a part of the solution and he may be more open.
Being lonely that is one I soooo connect with. That is a toughy.
I hope that it works out.
Take care
Joy
http://3fatchicks.com/diet-blogs/callmejj/
You need to find some GIRLS, girl! Nobody fills the void like true friends. The ones you can talk to and go shopping with and bitch with. You’ve gotta find some! Now, the questions is….How? For me, it’s work but then, I work with more than 110 staff members in my school and have connections with a lot more through my involvement with various committees and things. What about you? Those Mommy/Baby things might be worth taking a look.