Shedding the baby weight…again!

Let it be known, that despite all of my misgivings and shortcomings, throughout my bouts of insanity (both temporary or otherwise), regardless of all other variables on the planet, I know deep in my heart that I have the strongest cornerstone I could ever want. I’m speaking of course, of the Lord. If you’re not a religious person, or if you are of a different religion, don’t be alarmed. I speak of my beliefs very little. I understand that like a lot of things, religious beliefs are ultimately very personal and very intimate. (Or at least, that’s how I feel about it).

When I was young, I did not like myself. I had resigned myself to the fact that I would end up with some bum that didn’t appreciate me but I would never leave because I didn’t want to be alone. It’s kind of sad when a young girl is so certain that is how her life will end up. Sadder still, plenty of them really do end up like that. In high school, things usually went from bad to worse, and it was often reflected in my weight. If I needed to buy the same size pants as I had before, Things had gotten better. If I had to buy a size bigger, It wasn’t a surprise. By the time I graduated, I had fallen really hard for a very good friend. He made me laugh and he treated me like I was worth at least the time of day. Unfortunately he did not reciprocate those feelings. I had taken a false sense of solace in the fact that he at least didn’t know how I felt about him. Unfortunately it all came to a screeching collision one day. It took us a very long time but we became best friends once more, possibly closer than ever. After making numerous mistakes with numerous boys I finally decided to swear off relationships.

I had joined a forum for a band called Eisley several months earlier. A small band out of Tyler, Texas, they didn’t have much of a Canadian following and thus, never came up north. I had begun to make many friends including (but not limited to) a few guys by the names of Chad, Steve, and Robert. When the band announced they would have an opening slot in Toronto, a good friend and I decided to hop a plane to Toronto and go see the show. Chad and Steve (both in the DFW area) decided they would come hang out too (as well as a girl from Rochester NY) This is September 2004. You will find ZERO photos of me from this trip because at this point I was so overweight I couldn’t even stand myself. In february of 2005, that same friend that accompanied me to Toronto and I decided to go visit Chad in Dallas. During the time between september and february, Robert and I had become really close. So close infact, my friends all insisted we were a couple even though I denied it repeatedly. “HOW STUPID WOULD I HAVE TO BE TO FALL FOR A GUY THAT LIVES THAT FAR AWAY?” When the plans for the trip to Dallas were solidified, Robert decided he would drive up so we could finally meet. I’m not going to lie. I was nervous as hell. I remember one night I laid in bed and I cried because I didn’t want to admit to myself that i had fallen for this guy.  And I’ll be honest with you, sisterchicks. I almost completely blew it with him that weekend.

This is going to sound really weird to some of you.

The morning of the last full day he would be there, I got my period. After over two years of nothing and worrying that not only would I end up with some bum, but I would never be able to have kids. I really took this as a sign from God that I could have things that I wanted. That day I made a complete turnaround and that night we shared our first kiss. I was 19, he was 27.

One morning, during a visit. We were sitting on the edge of the bed, I had the bedsheet clutched around me. It was 6am, the sunrise was creeping through the cracks in the blind. He leaned over and kissed me. And I turned to him and I asked him if we should write the band a letter thanking them for bringing us together. Then I noted that we should write letters to whomever introduced us to that band. Then he noted that it could take forever if we wrote to everybody. I agreed and decided we should just thank God. And I’ve done that every day since.

I have a man that gets excited when I make beef stew out of gravy mix and frozen veggies. I have a man that is a great father. I have a man that loves and respects me. I have a man that I never thought I would have. And I feel like now that I have this happiness, the real me is finally emerging. And knowing I have the love and support of the most wonderful man I’ve ever known and the most wonderful being I hope to meet is priceless.

Today:
weigh in: 180.6lbs
lunch: LC Parmesan Crusted Fish, ww yogurt and a banana
exercise: Walked 4.5 miles today pushing around the stroller.
dinner: one bowl of beef stew, one whole wheat roll

Goodnight sisterchicks!

Filed under: daily ponderings, history, photolog on January 13th, 2009