Shedding the baby weight…again!

So this morning when I weighed in and the scale said 184.6 (back again to my low weight) I was relieved. I am relieved. very much so. I’ve also learned a very valuable lesson. A few days ago, I was sitting on lunch break with my friend Katy and I was wondering when it was going to be that I would be able to eat like a normal person again. When am I going to be able to eat a cheeseburger without being flooded with guilt? etc etc The next day when DH brought me a cheeseburger and fries for lunch (it was Christmas eve and very few places were still open) I grinned and made it my goal to eat it without the guilt. For the record, I could not even finish it. It made my stomach churn with all of the fat and grease and things I’d made it a rule to avoid. I can remember a time, not so long ago, I would’ve finished that meal without a second thought and maybe have even scrounged for dessert.

That evening, I failed to plan ahead for dinner and we were left with the option of McDonalds, or Pizza, or meatless spaghetti which DH found to be almost as despicable as well…insert your least favourite food here. The very minute DH was putting on his shoes to go pick up McD’s (I was going to have a salad, at least) my mother in law called to invite us over for bbq. Why the hell not? I didn’t eat a lot. I was still reeling from the cheeseburger incident.

Christmas, on the other hand, was a diet disaster. I tried to justify it. Christmas comes once a year. I’ve lost 60 lbs. I can splurge for one day. Part of me screamed “YOU SPLURGED YESTERDAY!!!” But I completely ignored it. I wanted to go without the guilt and that’s what I intended to do. I made a peach coffee cake that morning to take over to the festivities. I’m not going to lie, it was freaking delicious. So my Christmas dinner consisted of, turkey, ham, stuffing, mashed potatoes with gravy, macaroni and cheese, cheesy broccoli and rice, a roll, and some corn. Even a little scoop of each dish added up quickly on my plate. I ignored it. later on in the day I had some coffee cake. Later on I had 2 pecan bars. Even later on, I had a second helping of all things cheesy.

And that’s when it hit me. All this forced ignorance settled like a brick in my stomach. when I stopped convincing myself I deserved it, I realized alcoholics don’t reward sobriety with a drink. Drug addicts don’t reward cleanliness with a line of cocaine. What the heck was I doing?! One drink is enough to call it “falling off the wagon”. Is a cheeseburger ultimately going to do the same thing? It may purely be a case of bad timing but one thing is for sure. That guilt which is so annoying of a passenger in my head, is now a welcome one. Guilt is a powerful tool and it is more than capable of putting me back on the straight and narrow when I do something like eat a cheeseburger and French fries.

Now, I know some of you sisterchicks are like “Whoa, Ashleigh. Hold up. You sound ridiculous and I think you have a problem.” and I want you all to know that I’m okay. “But Ashleigh, you only ate ONE meal yesterday!!” And I do have a reason for that. The rumour had it that we would be heading back over to the inlaws for dinner and I just wanted to be prepared for the mega calorie intake that usually involves. It fell through so I didn’t bat an eye when DH suggested Chili’s. However, I did get a reasonable dinner and I felt the two days balanced each other out. Today I am officially back on plan.

It’s odd to me, sisterchicks, that my vision was starting to blur when I was so close to my goal. In my adult life, I have never been this small. And I use that word a little loosely, as a size 12/14 isn’t all that small (it’s relative, I know). I’ve never had a defined jaw line. I’ve never had collar bones that stick out. My hipbones never stuck out when I was lying down. I don’t recognize my body. The only thing I recognize is my stomach and my breasts. my stomach still hangs and it still makes me feel like I’ve accomplished nothing. I know there is very little I can do to remedy that situation. I’m going to wait until I’m finished having children to cross that bridge. As a result, some days I feel this has all been for naught. The one thing I wanted to change, has changed very little. Forget that I’ve lost 8+ inches on my waistline alone since late September, my stomach still hangs. Robert’s stomach doesn’t hang much anymore. I don’t have to special order bras on the internet anymore. I’ve gone from a band size 42 to a band size 36 (which means I can go buy bras at the mall). I’ve gone from a dress size 22 to a size 12/14. But forget it, my stomach still hangs and I can’t get past it. I’m worried that not being able to get past it means I’m going to keep pushing my final goal lower and lower even when I should stop. I know DH won’t let me get to that point, and neither will you, sisterchicks.

My brain hasn’t caught up with my body, clearly. I’m a little worried about the effects this could have on my sanity.

I have an album of progress photos on my facebook (which you can find here)

In the new year, I resolve to recognize myself.

Kudos if you read all of that.

Today:
weigh in: 184.6
lunch: LC French Bread Pizza
snack: 2 cheese sticks from sonic (dh and I split an order)
dinner: 4 oz grilled chicken with lettuce and pickles in a whole wheat pita, side of ore ida oven roaster wedges (one serving)

Filed under: daily ponderings, history on December 27th, 2008