Weight

You may have noticed there’s something I haven’t talked about: what I weigh. At first I figured I’d get around to it. Then I thought maybe I wouldn’t reveal my weight but would talk about how much weight I wanted to lose. Next I thought I wouldn’t talk about how much weight I wanted to lose but would just post losses as they occurred. Now I’m thinking about the whole subject differently.

I decided to get serious about weight loss because my endocrinologist told me I had to lose weight. According to her, the six pounds I gained between my visit to her in December of 2008 and my visit to her in July of 2009 had been enough to push my blood sugar level from just below 100 to just above it - which meant I was creeping closer than she liked to being out of the normal range for a fasting blood glucose test. So I decided this Behavior Modification program was the best shot I had at losing weight and got started on it.

And you know what? I feel so much better than I did before I started it. I’m not hungry all the time but I rarely feel too full. I’m not starving myself and I know I’m eating foods that would probably be off limits in any strict calorie-counting regime but at the same time I’m not eating a bag of Tostitos with cheese dip or making chocolate chip cookies at midnight. I seem to be eating like “normal” people do.

When I took a look at my calendar for the next couple of months, I realized I had a doctor’s appointment in late September; I’ll be weighed at that appointment. I started feeling nervous about that, worried that I wouldn’t have lost any weight and so would have to abandon my Behavior Modification program and - well, and what? I like eating the way I am now. I like the way I feel physically and I like the way I feel emotionally, not always worrying that I’m one bad day from eating everything in sight. So I had a long hard think about weight, diet, and health and I realized some things.

If I don’t lose weight on this Behavior Modification program, I’m not willing to abandon it and try something else. I’ve done calorie counting, Atkins, Jenny Craig, egg diet, and the result is always the same: I’m miserable eating that way, I lose weight, and then I gain it all back plus some extra pounds. The bottom line is that I’m simply not convinced I can lose a substantial amount of weight through any of those programs and keep it off. It’s never happened for me in the past and there’s no reason to think it will happen for me now. And the warnings about the dangers of yo-yo dieting make me reluctant to put my body through that again.

Also, I may or may not be eating less with my Behavior Modification program but I’m definitely eating better than I have in years. I eat a wide range of foods and little junk food. I’m afraid that if I make weight the reason I’m doing this then if the pounds don’t come off, I’ll lose sight of the gains I’ve made by eating healthier because I’m discouraged about my weight, give up my Behavior Modification program, and go right back to eating poorly again.

Similarly, I know that if I manage to convince myself to exercise regularly only because I think it will help me lose weight then if the scale doesn’t budge, I’ll give up on exercise, too. I’d rather convince myself to exercise because it will make me healthier and make me feel better regardless of my weight. I’ve read about studies that show an overweight person who is active is just as healthy as a thin person who is active and even healthier than a thin person who is sedentary. That makes me wonder if my creeping glucose level has more to do with my not exercising - and eating too much junk food - than with my weight in and of itself.

Don’t get me wrong: I’d still very much like to lose weight. All the reasons I give in “The Lists” page are still valid plus it’s simply tough to be fat in a society that doesn’t like fat people. It’s just that I’m increasingly convinced losing weight is not a realistic goal for me. I’ve spent most of my adult life worrying about my weight or deliberately deciding not to worry about my weight or actively trying to lose weight or sinking into despair when I gain more weight. It’s time for me to get off that ride.

So instead of staying on the weight roller-coaster, I’m going to jump on the health merry-go-round. (I’ve always hated roller coasters anyway while carousels are my very favorite ride.) The weight roller-coaster for me is all about what the scale will say next week or next month. Good news, I’m up; bad news, I’m down. My health merry-go-round is going to be about what I do every day, day in and day out, month in and month out, year in and year out.

I’m going to stick with my Behavior Modification program because it’s the best way I know of eating without either starving all the time or bingeing on everything in site. I don’t think I can eat “naturally” any more - too many years of weird diets and gorging when I fall off them - but the Behavior Modification routine gives me a good approximation of being a “natural” eater. I’m also going to re-emphasize exercise not because I think it will make me lose weight but because I think it will make me healthier and help me meet some of the goals on my List - like enjoying Italy and feeling more like doing stuff - even if I don’t lose any weight.

Do I still hope, deep in my heart of hearts, that my health merry-go-round will lead to weight loss? Of course I do. But I can’t make that my focus any longer, can’t keep leading myself on with tales of thinness nirvana lurking just around the next bend in the diet road. I need to accept that this is what I weigh; accept that this may always be what I weigh; and do what it takes to make me at this weight as healthy - and as happy - as possible.

I realize this means I don’t technically meet the criteria for having a diet blog here because I’m not using it to journal my weight loss but I’d still like to stick with it. Having a diet blog has been a huge help to me and knowing others are paying attention is invaluable. I hope you’ll continue to support me even though my goal is no longer weight loss but rather better health at whatever weight. The Behavior Modification is tough to stay on and - as has become painfully obvious - exercise is even tougher for me. I can use all the help I can get. There will never be a joyous “I lost weight” post; instead progress will be a good score in Behavior Mod, limiting my Coca-Cola intake, getting exercise, and walking.

I also hope those whose sites I visit will still find my comments helpful even though we’re not exactly on the same journey any longer. We each have our own path and it’s helpful to me to cheer all of you along yours.