Confessions 7/3/13

I confess I have been using work and my crazy schedule to avoid doing what I know I should be doing.

I know that i need to goto the gym everyday, I know that I need to blog/journal to stay accountable, and I know that I need to pay attention to what is going on and make good food choices even if I have the points for ice cream.

I confess that I like to pretend that I do not understand what is going on when I am not down as much on the scale as I would like to be, but I know and I understand.

I confess that I try very hard to rationalize not staying as “on plan” as I should by claiming that my body “responds better” when I indulge a bit.

 

Weekend Highs and Monday Lows

So, do we start off with a good or a bad?

Good, why the heck not!

There were a few weekend high’s.

The first one being that my husband actually went to the gym everyday with me for a week! WOOT! He has continued into this week as well, I do not think he will admit it, but he likes it. Not that he likes the working out part, he is a big IT/Gamer couch potato, but..he likes how he is starting to look, and more importantly how he is starting to feel. So, YAY!

Second, we have season passes to Knott’s Berry Farm. When I started my journey to the brand new me, it was because I could not fit into the rides! EEK! Yeah. Seriously. I actually had to get off of one. Can you say EMBARRASSING! So, we decided to go on Sunday with some friends and two of the kids. I decided that I have lost 40 lbs, and although that is still not within the posted weight/size limits, and technically I am still a “rider of exceptional size”, I would test the waters.

I FIT! On Every. Single. Ride! Sure, two of them have the “bigger” seats, but two months ago I did not fit in the bigger seats. One of them, was the one I got kicked off of! I conquered that bitch! Yup. I did. It just so happens, that particular ride also makes me face a huge phobia/fear of heights. It is a ride that just drops you from the edge. You know the kind, the seats go up, and drop straight down. At the top I started to have a bit of a panic attack, because it felt like I was going to fall out, my brain knows that I am strapped in, but yeah. Wasn’t believing it at all! But I did it. I faced the dragon and I won!

Thirdly, I faced another dragon. A long time ago, there was a ride, the Boomerang, it had just opened a few weeks prior. I went on it, and the stupid seat came unlocked. It slipped and I had to ride the whole ride holding the damn thing down and praying I would not fall out. I have not been on it since. Until Sunday. Yeah, I owned that bitch too!

Next is a good thing as a parent. My youngest baby (he is 6ft tall and 15 years old) is scared of roller coasters. Like panic attack scared. He plays it off that they are just not fun, but he gets scared. Every time we go, I try to get him to try a different ride. Sometimes he bites, sometimes not so much. This time, he did! He went on an honest to goodness roller coaster. And, he liked it. He is trying to play it off that it was “alright” but he was laughing the whole time. Next trip, maybe a different one!

Lastly, again as a parent. My middle daughter, she gets anxiety in crowds. She was in line with us, and popped out of line in the middle of an anxiety attack. After some fussing and attitude adjusting, she got through it, stayed at the park and had a blast!

Yeah, weekend full of Highs.

Monday lows…are in the confessional section. No use going over it again LOL

Did anyone else have a weekend high?

Confession about chocolate cake

Ok, so today I made a VERY bad food choice. Like Really really bad. Not because of what I ate (although I will get to that in a minute) but because of why. I let someone else’s snarky attitude push me into my bad choice. Long story short, super bad day at work + boss/owner birthday + five layer chocolate vanilla cake= lesson learned.

I learned today, that it doesn’t matter how religiously I work out everyday, when I have a piece of chocolate cake for lunch, hitting the gym is like day 1. A workout that should have only been slightly challenging kicked my butt, I barely got to my regular work out let alone through my “Monday crank it up a notch” stage. So, now I feel like crap, I want to be sick, the healthy lean protien and veggie on my plate is not looking good, and the cake wasn’t even close to worth it. Even though it seemed like it at the time.

So I confess, I ate my feelings.

June 7, 2013

I confess

I did not go to the gym last night, and even though I had promised myself that I would swim if I did not goto the gym, I did not do that either.

I used my achy muscles as an excuse, and the worst part, I dragged my husband into my hole with me. I am supposed to be pushing him as well as myself. I am the motivator. Instead, I failed myself and him.

I cannot make up for yesterday, I can only move forward today. Today we will recommit to the gym daily, with only one day off a week. That day was apparently yesterday. So that means, no Sunday off (our previously scheduled day off)

On the up side, I feel better today, a lot less sore and will have absolutely no problem getting my fitness on today.

Daily Confessions-An Intro

Why hello! And welcome to my den :)

If you are here in the Confessional, you are going to get a dose of what actually goes on in my head, beyond my thoughts and ideas. You will see things that make sense, or not, are bad, or good, or neither. Part of my growth and learning process is being able to confess these things, put them outloud and out into the universe. Let them go, deal with them, or move on. I may post daily, hourly, or weekly. Just kind of when the mood strikes.

Comments are always welcome, maybe some of you would like to confess to your own secrets.

New Chapters, New Life, New Me

Well as you see from the title, everything is new!

I was gone for a few…years. Mostly because I got so discouraged and embarassed with myself that I decided to just ignore the issues. WRONG APPROACH.

So lets catch up shall we?

Since my last post, I gained ALL of the weight back I lost, plus about 15 additional pounds. I got up to 312l! YIKES! Embarassing to even admit. But true.

Needless to say I did NOT get married in a size 12 wedding dress. I got married in a size 26 wedding dress. UGH. My wedding pictures are horrible! There are one or two that I have up, even though I look like crap, because it is me, and my husband and I do look happy, even if I am morbidly obese!

Yes, I said it MORBIDLY OBESE. I mean I knew it, it is obvious, but I have never said it before yesterday. The truth is I am still morbid, even with a weight loss of almost 40 lbs. Let me back up. On January 27, 2013 I was done. Just plain done. Done with being fat, done with being lazy, done with all of it. My husband was having some pretty severe health issues, I was feeling like crap and on top of it, I discovered that I could not even ride a roller coaster with my kids and husband because I was too fat to fit. Don’t get me wrong, I have known that there are things that I am too fat to do; sky diving, bungee jumping, zip lining, hiking up and down the Grand Canyon, flying in a helicopter, hot air ballooning, kayaking in the ocean; but these were all things that I was not really “into”. It was no big loss that I could not throw myself out of a perfectly good airplane and hope that a piece of nylon would stop me from falling to my death. Right? But a ROLLERCOASTER?! Seriously? So, we had just spent hundreds of dollars on season passes for the family to an amusement park, and I could not go on any rides? Yeah, that was not happening. I signed up for Weight Watchers that very minute. I told my husband he could do it with me, or not, I didn’t care. He did it, and he has done SO well. So 40 lbs and a pants size later, here we are. Back in the saddle.

Back to Morbid. I still have 63lbs to lose before I am out of the “morbidly obese” category, but I am ok with that, because 4 months ago, I was 103 lbs away from being out of that category.

Basically this blog/log/diary whatever you want to call it, is my place to just work through everything as I learn to love myself in my new and every changing body and world. As I deal with my kids growing up and moving out of the house (ok not moving out exactly…), learning to have an adult relationship with myself and my husband, not feeling guilty for working all day and then taking off sans kids for the weekend, learning to be ok with who I am, and just learning to be ok in general.

Before and Afters

Taken 10-10-10So, I have been thinking about befores and afters. Kind of an odd topic I know but bear with me.

Before-fat and unhappy

After-healthy and happy

Before-self destructive and unhappy

After-self appreciating and happy

Before-self defeating and unhappy

After-self improved and happy

Are we sensing a theme here?

Ok so, obviously I am on a small lifestyle change “kick” here. I love it, and I am getting happier with myself everyday. It is nice. I had a minor breakdown a few weeks back, it was about a month into my change, and I was down about 15lbs. I FELT great, like I should LOOK better. So I tried on the dress that I was planning on wearing, with a pair of SPANX. It looked ok, but the manipulations I had to do to get into it meant that it was not good for a two hour drive, a five hour wedding, and a two hour drive back home. What if I had to pee right? Ok so enter the breakdown.

I completely destroyed my closet. I was looking for SOMETHING to wear that looked good. No matter that my fiancee and daughter said that the original dress looked fine (even without the SPANX) I HATED the way it looked. It should have looked different (in my opinion). So after many outfits, that looked terrible, I settled on a pair of slacks and a shirt. I was not happy with it AT ALL.

Now, I happen to be blessed with a wonderfully supportive caring Fiancee. He is always trying to build me up and save me from myself. I felt horrible when I looked at him and he looked so sad after my little tirade. He had just been trying to help, and in his words he “does not look for flaws so he does not see them” That is all fine and dandy, and most of the time it makes me feel like the most beautiful person in the world, however, sometimes it means that he cannot see things honestly.

Anyway, after all is said and done, we had a fantastic time at the wedding, the scale moved up almost 3 lbs and I had a new outlook on things. So with that said, I will post up my official “before” picture. It is about 15lbs into the journey, but luckily when you start off at 300 lbs, 15 is not that noticeable HAHA.

Six Weeks!

Woohoo!

Six weeks into a new life. I am super stoked today! Not only am I six weeks into a new lifestyle, but I am down 20lbs and walked to work! YAY.

I could never have walked six weeks ago. It feels fantastic. The plan is to walk everyday to work, and see what (if any) difference there is in weight and measurements. I am going to take them tonight when I get home, and then every Monday to see what changes. I am sick to death of being a huge fat blob of flesh. Seriously.

I realize that those are pretty harsh words to use to describe one’s self, but really that is how I feel. I know I FEEL better smaller, and lighter, but 20 lbs on a 299lb frame, is NOTHING. Besides which I need to change the way I think about myself. I am afraid that it is going to take something PRETTY drastic to make me think I look different. My clothes are fitting a bit looser, I know that much (considering they were cutting off my circulation before). I have a closet full of super nice pants in a size 18 that I am DIEING to fit into again. So, we will try this walking thing for the next six weeks and see what happens.

Wish me luck!

A while now

So yes, it has been a while now. I kind of got in a funk and just decided what was the point. Then I decided that the point was that I needed to be healthy for myself and my kids. Then I decided that I needed to be healthy for my fiancee, and that meant being happy with myself. It kills him when I am unhappy about anything, but it really kills him when I am unhappy with myself. He says (and I believe him) that I am beautiful and sexy and all sorts of wonderful things, but I know that if he were really honest with himself and with me that he would like to see me with a smokin hot body. And well so would I LOL.

So my journey continues.

So far I have seen the 20lb lost mark and watched it go back up, getting frustrated and lazy and going to a wedding did not help AT ALL. But now a week out of my funk, and I am staring at it again YAY. I had some “before” pictures but they were on my phone which got toasted.  So I will start once I hit my 20lb lost and will take some new ones with every 20 lb lost. I need to do this so that I can see a difference, because one of the biggest problems I have always had, was seeing that difference.

Well, I am at the office, and resisting the urge to go have some cheesecake!

The good fight

OK so a new day. Day two of official blogging. Fantastic.

Yesterday was crap let me tell you. The day just sucked. Work is absolutely crazy and crappy right now. We are doing an upgrade and that makes everyone in just a fabulous mood! Jason is getting laid off and his last day of work is October 6th. He is looking for a new job and has some bites, but really nothing solid yet. That stresses me out big time! He can get unemployment but that is about half of his salary, we are already tight as it is. I have gone over all of my bills and stuff and there is just no where to cut costs at the moment. $500 and my car is paid off. I am seriously considering just biting the bullet this month and paying it off. That will get that money back into our bank and one bill down. I dunno. Mostly it has just been crappy lately. I want to be somewhere else in my career, but this job affords me personal luxuries (like blogging) that I will lose if I go somewhere else. Jarrod is doing great in school and if I change jobs, I will not be able to keep him there. I want to move north, but again, Jarrod’s school. Lexi needs $300 for her lettermans jacket, and AAAGGGGGH.

So it is no wonder I want to eat a big piece of red velvet cake! LOL. Actually I don’t. I do not have “cravings” that much anymore, or at least ones that I cannot deal with. I am almost half way to my first mini goal (30lbs) lets face it with over 160lbs to lose total I have no choice but to break it down into little manageable pieces! otherwise, OMG I would go stir crazy never seeing any progress.

Seeing progress what a weird little concept. Lexi is getting frustrated because she sees that I have dropped almost 15 lbs in the last two weeks and she has only dropped 5. She does not understand the concept of “the more you have to lose the faster you lose it at first” And she is an athlete. So, she may not be losing weight but she is for sure losing inches. I am afraid that she will get frustrated and give up. That will cause her to just start again the yo yo patterns that I have had in my life. I am a teeny bit frustrated myself, but only because i know that I am not going to see results for a long time. I am trying not to look too far ahead and think that I am going to need some massive surgery. I am really worried though that once I lose this much weight, I am going to have so much extra skin that it is going to look worse. Oh well. I guess we just cross that bridge when we come to it. I know that a big part of that is working out and exercise. After two weeks I pretty much have the diet under control, so starting next week I am going to start walking in the mornings and evenings (hopefully) start with a mile and then move on from there. I was considering getting a treadmill and doing it at home, but lets face it, Treadmills are easy to get off of. I really want to join a gym or Jazzercise, but I am not comfortable enough with my weight and body to do that yet. maybe that will be my gift to myself after 60 lbs are gone. We will see. For now I will just keep chugging along.

Frustrating. I am the instant gratification girl, and the thought of not seeing results fast enough totally drives me bat shit crazy!

But I have my goal. My wedding dress will be a size 12. That is what I keep telling myself. I am not going to get married, on the beach, fat. I want to be able to wear a bathing suit and feel somewhat comfortable in it.

Well that does it for now just had to get a few things off my chest.

Toodles.