without mentioning names I’m going to be as candid as I possibly can. I feel that this one thing has been holding me back for a very long time and could very well be a large part of why I am unhappy.

My senior year of high school the guy I was head over heels for just happened to be my best guy friend. We were great friends and had so much fun together, but I felt that I wasn’t worthy of his friendship because I had low self-esteem and just always held back my feelings. I never shared anything personal with him.

Eventually he began dating my best friend.

Needless to say I was devastated. I didn’t talk to either of them for a long period of time until eventually I decided I needed to let it go. If he didn’t feel anything for me, I sure as hell wasn’t going to guilt him into not feeling anything for someone else. I felt pathetic.

I decided not to attend the same college as the guy because I felt like if I didn’t break free then, I was going to rely on him for all four years. And I couldn’t bare that thought.

Him and my friend dated my entire freshman year of college (and the summer before sophomore year). It was always uncomfortable to be around them during the summer. And even though I hated hearing anything about their relationship during the school year, I found myself wondering if they had gone to visit each other during their break, or if they had said I love you, or if they were even still together. I tortured myself.

What was even worse was that we still spoke to each other on the phone constantly. Just not about her. My friendship with her was basically over, and although we still pretend to be friends when we see each other, we both know that our friendship actually ended in high school.

I found myself talking about him all the time, wondering the next time I’d speak to him. I basically screwed myself over because no one compared to him. In my mind, he was the guy I wanted.

It’s been 4 years. I speak to him occasionally (more so in the past few weeks) but I’m finding that I still have feelings for him. He’s moved on and has been in a relationship for 3 years with another girl, but for some reason I just can’t let go. I feel hopeless and pathetic. How could I let myself be like this?? Who is this girl that lets a guy mess her up like this? I swore I would never let a guy control me, and yet he’s the master.

For the last few days I’ve tried desperately to ignore his phone calls, but tonight I finally picked up. I giggled the whole time i was on the phone w/ him, all the time wondering where his girlfriend was, if they were still together, if he even knew that I still had feelings for him. Sometimes I wonder if he talks to me just because he knows how much I truly feel for him. And other times I wonder if he feels like there’s something there. I mean there’s gotta be a reason why he’s kept in touch with me for so long after I’ve consistently tried to cut off all ties.

Tonight he said the worst thing he could have ever said to me. He said, “Lauren, why can’t it be like high school again?”

I’ve been crushed all over again.

I feel sad that I’ve come to this. That this one person whom I’ve never even had a relationship with, could fuck me up so badly. The saddest part is, I still don’t even believe I deserve him. I think to myself, yeah if you lost 30 lbs then maybe he’d like you. Or if you were smarter, than sure why not. But I never think, no, no matter what you deserve way better.

I want so badly to tell him how I feel and be done with it. To tell him I can’t do this anymore and that it would be better if we just didn’t speak. But I know that the answer I’d get isn’t what I want and that I really wouldn’t be better off if we didn’t speak. I’d be miserable.

My reason for this post is because I tend to keep a lot of things bottled up inside. I don’t share a lot with my friends, and I know that it takes a toll on my health. My hope is that by getting this out (or as much as i could), I will feel somewhat better tomorrow. Who knows?

back to the gym tomorrow… after all, the first step in feeling good on the inside is feeling good on the outside.