I am having a huge problem in getting a job back home because my background is in childcare and we have two maybe three actual centers in our hometown and they are fully staffed. I cannot have a home daycare as we have no place of our own. I have applied and applied and still nothing so I supposed it is time to just relax and only save 100 a month for our new place that we do not have yet. I will be working on myself getting into GREAT shape for babies. I know you might be thinking wait wait wait you do not have a job and are living in your in-laws house and you want babies?! Why yes, yes I do. We have been trying for about five years and I have PCOS so it is an obstacle to get pregnant. I plan on just letting the fertility monitor and opks go to the side and not try and not prevent.

I am just going to eat tiny portions along with eating at my families houses as well, since they usually have more healthy options available. I have gained ten pounds since arriving home a month ago and now I am having pain in my knees that wasn’t there before and my period cycle is all wacked out again and it is just time I stop being lazy and do something about it.

Please help me with some support? I would greatly appreciate it.

I really hope that I can get my intermediate and a little raise! I am happy with the wage I am at now, but who knows I would love the bump up. I really want to buy the Reebok retones with my first paycheck especially if I am going to be on my feet all the time, might as well get a little help in the behind area. I also have heard that they help with ankle strengthening and that is something I could use. I have been doing the Fitlinxx program still and I cannot wait each month at the end of the month to get that update of how many sundaes I have burned off.

I really would like to feel like I have more support from the hubs, I wish he would come on walks with me and the pup. I am going to be working out with Fitlinxx again so I can track my workouts and I plan to do weights alternating days instead of just cardio all 5 days I will be working out.

At least I am eating a delicious salad with romaine lettuce, poppyseed dressing, and carrots. mmm Along with some applesauce and a V8 fusion..

Here it goes.

I am going to start the C25K at home because I am a tad bit OCD with the workouts and need to start on a week where I can go MWF and Wednesday next week I will be driving all day. :S Which brings me to my next little tidbit of anxiety: My first solo road trip driving home. I am over eating because I cannot keep myself in check. I keep thinking about it and it is not making me all calm. It is only 13 hours, but still never done it and I have to drive across Nebraska… ugh. It is so boring. No offense to those that live there, but driving through it is horrendous.

I am trying to clean here to keep my hands off the snacks, but I just cannot stay focused. I need to stay focused as my house must be clean before I leave. Back to cleaning then I am taking the pup for a walk later today when it gets cooler.

I cannot explain the feeling of acceptance that has come over me. I know that I will not drop this weight RIGHT NOW, but I will get healthy right now. I will read as much as I want to. I will keep doing the C25K. I will walk the dog and I will look damn good with the new found confidence at the wedding. Finally I will try new things that I want to.

What I will NOT do:

1. Drink alcohol anymore
2. Feed my body unhealthy junk
3. Let my insecurities get in the way of my plans

I want to feed my body pure and natural things, more produce less processed. I remember how I felt while I was doing that and I felt great. I need to feel that again.
( I want that body that is curvaceous and voluptuous.)

NSV!!!! I ran yesterday for the first time for a substantial amount of time on the treadmill since the injury in April of 09!! I am super pumped on that and will be doing the C25K now for sure because I know I can run without pain.

Eating, not so good, but not as horrible as it could be. For instance, today my husband called me and said do you want Coldstone and to which I replied do you know how many points that is? No thank you. I loved being able to say no to it. It was empowering. I like that control over my binges. LOVE it actually.

I am so grateful for my workout buddy because without her I would not have been to the gym steadily and would not have ventured out of the norm to do weights or pull ups (assisted ) I really hope her and I stick this thing out after we both go on vacations and come back to being workout buddies! Enough for now back to the laying on the bed blowing my nose without a laptop on me.

Anyways, I worked out hardcore today and I LOVED IT! My workout buddy was awesome and did not let me quit nor did I let her quit the one time she wanted to. lol I am a wussy. Tomorrow will be better and I will not be such a sissy girl. I went way over on my points, but it’s ok it is once and from now on I will remember my goals. I did not make my water intake or walk on the trail, but tomorrow again will be better. I am not going to let this ruin me or my progress.

So, my extra goals for tomorrow are to drink a ton of water to flush the salt and take the pup for a walk after working out in the morning. I need to go try on dresses, but I will after I shower and all that. Anyone know if I can just buy the dresses if they have the color and my size or do I have to order it?

I am soooo sore. I decided not to do the C25K until next week so I am not starting in the middle of the week. I am sort of particular or anal about things like that. So I am icing my ankle and foot to help the fatigue in it.

UNTIL TOMORROW!

I think I finally have the correct mindset. I know I am not going to be dropped 10 pounds a month consistently and I know that I will not be able to just sit down and stop working out after I make it to goal. I will forever be on this journey and I might as well set my habits in concrete so that I do not have to go through the tough parts of getting new habits.

I just had a random thought of a man from my past and how I thought that if I was just smaller and fitter he would love me like I loved him. I cannot believe how naive I was. I could not force him to feel the way that I felt. It was easy for me to just think oh it is because I am heavy and he wants a trophy girl, but really why would i want to have that type of pressure in my life? Now, I also know that, that motivation is what made me fail. I wasn’t doing the healthy thing for me, it was for him and so not worth it. That guy is a great guy, but not for me and I am so glad I am with my husband. He does not care that I am 50 lbs overweight, he still thinks I am gorgeous. My hubs still wants to be around me and hold me even though there is some extra fat around my belly. He supports me in whatever I want to do and accepts my mistakes and we work through them. Also, he treats me beautifully and yes we have issues, but none of them are because of my weight or that I stumble sometimes in losing weight, he’s there to pick me up. I feel blessed.

Knowing that I have him supporting me makes me want to succeed. Thank you lover!

As for my behavioral goals for spring challenge:

1. Made my 100 oz
2. I did walk on the trail for a little bit, not a whole lot, but the pup loved it
3. I will be using my points, just not the activity points I earned. I will never use them.

Overall I feel good about the day.

PS TOMORROW IS MY FIRST DAY OF C25K RESTART! I will keep you updated.

I found a workout buddy!! I am super excited and I actually enjoy being around her! lol I hope we continue working out together until I leave and when I come back.

I had a little scare when I got up this morning. I was not able to walk normally. So I went to the doctor and it’s just a contusion. I am to just ice and rest. Hopefully things get well fast! I started my clean eating again today and was way under my point value because of the doctor visit and cleaning the house. I just wanted to get things done and then move on so I forgot about eating every 3 hours. Tomorrow will be better.

My behavioral goals for the Spring Challenge:

1. Drink tons of water tomorrow 100 oz
2. Hit the trail on post.
3. Use all the points I’m allotted.