So, it just seems like the hits keep on coming. I had recently started a new job and was going through the schooling program for Paralegal just fine and felt comfortable in the school finally and BAMM out of nowhere comes my husband losing his job and having to move home to Minnesota and me getting a scan to reveal a mass on my liver. Now, I am back home dropped out of school and had to quit my job to move home. WHOA and we do not have our own place so eating healthy really isn’t an option as we have bills to pay so we do not ruin our credit and money to save to get out of living with his parents. It isn’t that they are unbearable it is just a pride thing and a I have lived on my own in my own place for a while and I need my space kind of thing as well.

I am having a huge problem in getting a job back home because my background is in childcare and we have two maybe three actual centers in our hometown and they are fully staffed. I cannot have a home daycare as we have no place of our own. I have applied and applied and still nothing so I supposed it is time to just relax and only save 100 a month for our new place that we do not have yet. I will be working on myself getting into GREAT shape for babies. I know you might be thinking wait wait wait you do not have a job and are living in your in-laws house and you want babies?! Why yes, yes I do. We have been trying for about five years and I have PCOS so it is an obstacle to get pregnant. I plan on just letting the fertility monitor and opks go to the side and not try and not prevent.

I am just going to eat tiny portions along with eating at my families houses as well, since they usually have more healthy options available. I have gained ten pounds since arriving home a month ago and now I am having pain in my knees that wasn’t there before and my period cycle is all wacked out again and it is just time I stop being lazy and do something about it.

Please help me with some support? I would greatly appreciate it.

I just started a new job and one of my classes is ending. Oh joy for the adjustment areas! I am partially stressed just with the class ending and having a term paper due along with the final on Thursday. The new job isn’t really stressing me, just some of the people that are not being super friendly. I can handle that, but what I cannot handle is being outright mean in front of the asst director and the asst director having to say something. I just do not understand people. I am glad I will not be in that classroom, hopefully. I did however enjoy the extra calorie burn! I am excited for the job, but not the whole not having a set schedule or room.

I really hope that I can get my intermediate and a little raise! I am happy with the wage I am at now, but who knows I would love the bump up. I really want to buy the Reebok retones with my first paycheck especially if I am going to be on my feet all the time, might as well get a little help in the behind area. I also have heard that they help with ankle strengthening and that is something I could use. I have been doing the Fitlinxx program still and I cannot wait each month at the end of the month to get that update of how many sundaes I have burned off.

I am back up to 210 for lack of exercising and tracking what I was eating. I am back to tracking points as when I start I need something easy. School starts next week so I am hoping to get into a schedule that I can solidify the habits that I am trying to start. I have been doing really well on keeping my points in check, I only went over yesterday by about 5 points. Today, however, I started off really well eating two fruit servings and 32 oz of water. I am looking forward to flushing the salt out of my system. I haven’t started adding a ton of veggies, but I do have some asparagus I can make as a snack.

I really would like to feel like I have more support from the hubs, I wish he would come on walks with me and the pup. I am going to be working out with Fitlinxx again so I can track my workouts and I plan to do weights alternating days instead of just cardio all 5 days I will be working out.

At least I am eating a delicious salad with romaine lettuce, poppyseed dressing, and carrots. mmm Along with some applesauce and a V8 fusion..

Back again, back again, back again. At least I am not in a bad state of mind being back this time. I went home for a whole month and got waaay off track. Here I am though, back to start off in the correct state of mind and with a fierce determination to make my eating better and my exercise habits, well actual habits rather than oh a little here a little there.

Here it goes.

Suck I am back up to 201, but that is with a full belly and 32oz of water so I am hopeful for tomorrow the ‘official’ weigh in day to tell the truth. lol I haven’t been working out just working around the house cleaning and getting ready for my trip back home. I am nervous as I do not eat very well at home, but I am way more active with the kids. I cannot let them knock me off track. I can feel a difference already with putting good things into my body. I am not tired all the time, dragging to move, and I have stopped having headaches. It’s a good feeling.

I am going to start the C25K at home because I am a tad bit OCD with the workouts and need to start on a week where I can go MWF and Wednesday next week I will be driving all day. :S Which brings me to my next little tidbit of anxiety: My first solo road trip driving home. I am over eating because I cannot keep myself in check. I keep thinking about it and it is not making me all calm. It is only 13 hours, but still never done it and I have to drive across Nebraska… ugh. It is so boring. No offense to those that live there, but driving through it is horrendous.

I am trying to clean here to keep my hands off the snacks, but I just cannot stay focused. I need to stay focused as my house must be clean before I leave. Back to cleaning then I am taking the pup for a walk later today when it gets cooler.

So while reading a book I decided that I do not need to be stick thin, I just need to be healthy and exercising. I love my boobs and my butt, I just wish the butt wasn’t so wide. I like my muscles, minus my calves because they are manly. I just want to be able to run and to go into a store and find something that is cute and not a size 18.

I cannot explain the feeling of acceptance that has come over me. I know that I will not drop this weight RIGHT NOW, but I will get healthy right now. I will read as much as I want to. I will keep doing the C25K. I will walk the dog and I will look damn good with the new found confidence at the wedding. Finally I will try new things that I want to.

What I will NOT do:

1. Drink alcohol anymore
2. Feed my body unhealthy junk
3. Let my insecurities get in the way of my plans

I want to feed my body pure and natural things, more produce less processed. I remember how I felt while I was doing that and I felt great. I need to feel that again.
( I want that body that is curvaceous and voluptuous.)

It has been a long weekend of me doing nothing basically except walking my dog. Today though I am feeling horrible. My head hurts and my nose is runny and just the body aches kept me from going to the gym or rather because of that I kept myself from going to the gym, but tomorrow I will be there. I saw 199 on the scale two days in a row so I am going to keep that number. I do not really see a difference yet, but hopefully soon I will be able to. I really need the dress I bought to look unbelievable so I do not look back at the pictures and feel embarrassed.

NSV!!!! I ran yesterday for the first time for a substantial amount of time on the treadmill since the injury in April of 09!! I am super pumped on that and will be doing the C25K now for sure because I know I can run without pain.

Eating, not so good, but not as horrible as it could be. For instance, today my husband called me and said do you want Coldstone and to which I replied do you know how many points that is? No thank you. I loved being able to say no to it. It was empowering. I like that control over my binges. LOVE it actually.

I am so grateful for my workout buddy because without her I would not have been to the gym steadily and would not have ventured out of the norm to do weights or pull ups (assisted ) I really hope her and I stick this thing out after we both go on vacations and come back to being workout buddies! Enough for now back to the laying on the bed blowing my nose without a laptop on me.

Whoa not cool. I may never swim in a lake again! FREAK, but why do I love watching it? No CLUE!

Anyways, I worked out hardcore today and I LOVED IT! My workout buddy was awesome and did not let me quit nor did I let her quit the one time she wanted to. lol I am a wussy. Tomorrow will be better and I will not be such a sissy girl. I went way over on my points, but it’s ok it is once and from now on I will remember my goals. I did not make my water intake or walk on the trail, but tomorrow again will be better. I am not going to let this ruin me or my progress.

So, my extra goals for tomorrow are to drink a ton of water to flush the salt and take the pup for a walk after working out in the morning. I need to go try on dresses, but I will after I shower and all that. Anyone know if I can just buy the dresses if they have the color and my size or do I have to order it?

I am soooo sore. I decided not to do the C25K until next week so I am not starting in the middle of the week. I am sort of particular or anal about things like that. So I am icing my ankle and foot to help the fatigue in it.

UNTIL TOMORROW!

I love love love love that song, All I Believe In by The Magic Numbers. It gives me strength oddly enough. I am pumped to say that I got a 4.0 this semester! WOOT WOOT! I cannot believe how excited I actually am. It gives me confidence that I can do whatever I want and put my mind to. It gives me GREAT motivation in loosing weight.

I think I finally have the correct mindset. I know I am not going to be dropped 10 pounds a month consistently and I know that I will not be able to just sit down and stop working out after I make it to goal. I will forever be on this journey and I might as well set my habits in concrete so that I do not have to go through the tough parts of getting new habits.

I just had a random thought of a man from my past and how I thought that if I was just smaller and fitter he would love me like I loved him. I cannot believe how naive I was. I could not force him to feel the way that I felt. It was easy for me to just think oh it is because I am heavy and he wants a trophy girl, but really why would i want to have that type of pressure in my life? Now, I also know that, that motivation is what made me fail. I wasn’t doing the healthy thing for me, it was for him and so not worth it. That guy is a great guy, but not for me and I am so glad I am with my husband. He does not care that I am 50 lbs overweight, he still thinks I am gorgeous. My hubs still wants to be around me and hold me even though there is some extra fat around my belly. He supports me in whatever I want to do and accepts my mistakes and we work through them. Also, he treats me beautifully and yes we have issues, but none of them are because of my weight or that I stumble sometimes in losing weight, he’s there to pick me up. I feel blessed.

Knowing that I have him supporting me makes me want to succeed. Thank you lover!

As for my behavioral goals for spring challenge:

1. Made my 100 oz
2. I did walk on the trail for a little bit, not a whole lot, but the pup loved it
3. I will be using my points, just not the activity points I earned. I will never use them.

Overall I feel good about the day.

PS TOMORROW IS MY FIRST DAY OF C25K RESTART! I will keep you updated.

FINALLY. I fixed the strap by some Gorilla glue. So I am wearing it all over the place again. I am anxious to see how many calories I burned today by cleaning the house.

I found a workout buddy!! I am super excited and I actually enjoy being around her! lol I hope we continue working out together until I leave and when I come back.

I had a little scare when I got up this morning. I was not able to walk normally. So I went to the doctor and it’s just a contusion. I am to just ice and rest. Hopefully things get well fast! I started my clean eating again today and was way under my point value because of the doctor visit and cleaning the house. I just wanted to get things done and then move on so I forgot about eating every 3 hours. Tomorrow will be better.

My behavioral goals for the Spring Challenge:

1. Drink tons of water tomorrow 100 oz
2. Hit the trail on post.
3. Use all the points I’m allotted.