Sunday Start Day

About me:

Mom of 4, wife to the owner of a CrossFit box (yep-seriously), full-time photographer in transition to managing the gym (we opened two weeks ago, I’m basically the business side of it and DH is the trainer). I’m giving up my dream temporarily to support his. I began a beginning CrossFit class with the support of about 20 of my friends, who are all attending with me for the first month so we can “ease” into it. It feels great. Only one big problem - my eating addiction. It’s like it has exploded since we opened. I was 173 a few weeks ago. I’m 182 today. I haven’t been above 178 for at least a year, so I don’t know if it’s the stress or the pressure to fit my interpretation of what a “gym owner’s wife” looks like or what, but I have gone out of control.

My “normal” weight is between 140-160. I gain 50-60 pounds with each baby and then have to work my butt off to lose it, but I always have within 2-3 years. My last baby was born 3 years ago tomorrow. This time has been different - I found out I had a DVT in my left leg (huge blood clot going from my knee to my hip). I had it surgically removed, had a filter placed temporarily in my main vein, couldn’t get it out and am now on coumadin for the rest of my life. My leg mobility has improved a lot, but still has a delayed reaction when pushing hard to jog, run, walk fast or squat. This has been harder on my mentally than physically. I used to be quite fit. Now I’m anything but.

The last time I lost weight, I was accountable to a forum of amazing people trying to lose weight, too. It worked perfectly for me. That forum is not currently available, so I am incredibly grateful to have found this one.

My goal is to record my daily food and beverage intake (caloric), my exercise and my thoughts, struggles, etc.

So, in good faith, here I go…

Today I woke up with a resolution to eat healthy again. To go back on the Anne Collins Diet for Life - the one that helped me go from 187 pounds to 151 pounds in 6 months. I have to do that again! I have to stop trying for everyone else and do it for myself. I loved that feeling. I loved seeing the scale go down 1-2 pounds every single week, with a few stagnant exceptions. My greatest obstacles are mental. Food addiction. Stress. Major changes in life’s circumstances. Major depressive disorder coupled with post-partum depression. And my own deserve issues - I honestly don’t believe I deserve to be healthy and thin. I have too much else going for me, so I think I shouldn’t be able to have that, too! I am NOT bragging. Trust me, if you can. But I have been blessed with many talents, as I believe many people have. I am blessed with many creative talents, with above average intelligence, with a strong singing voice, an eye for photography, the ability to work well with most people, a knack for business organization and management, an ability to speak in public, amongst other blessings. I’m not the best of the best at any of these, but I’m proficient. I feel very blessed. I am not unattractive, other than my distorted body due to being overweight. And that is merely my opinion. I find beauty in every size, shape - in every single face I photograph, no matter the person. But I can’t see it in myself. I have nothing but disgust for the body I’m housed in. I desperately want to change it. I know I can - I have before. I’m not going to have any more children, so I feel that I can do this one last time, although it will be a lifelong pursuit to maintain.

My sisters are both thin. My family is all thin. Except for me. My husband’s family are all thin, for the most part. My friends are about half and half, but my closest friends are all thin.My children are all thin (very thin) and my husband looks like an MMA fighter - he’s cut, he’s thin, he’s able to control his eating habits. I am not.

I don’t feel like I look. I don’t act like I look. I am probably in some kind of denial, which makes the sting twice as painful when I see myself in a mirror.

Now that I’ve got all that off my chest, here’s how my first day of eating is going…

BF: (245)

1 slice ww toast

1 oz. shredded cheese

2 slices tomato

1 cup grapes

L: (200)

1 slice ww toast

1 oz. shredded cheese

2 slices tomato

S1: (450)

(2) 2″ squares birthday cake

L: 6″ Subway egg bacon cheese on flatbread (450)

S2:

D:

4 oz. deli meat (130)

2 slice cheese (90)

1/2 slice bread (45)

grapes (60)

4 nilla wafers (70)

DAILY TOTAL:

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