You’d think I would learn

I read all my last posts. About how “this year is different” about how this time next year I would be thin, and not worried about losing weight… etc… well…

I did it again. I gained during school. I had those latte’s I ate what I wanted. I gained. Back to 173 after hitting 145 in the start of October. So… I feel like a failure in many ways.

If I stuck with it, I WOULD be swimming instead of hiding etc. Those were so inspirational to think about and I STILL gained. I HATE this cycle that I’ve been repeating since… high school? Junior high? I can’t even remember.

I want to say this year is different, that this time next year I’ll be thin… and I don’t know, I was so driven last year, what makes this year different?

Changes:

-I’m not going to be so strict. I can’t be, it makes me want to quit and binge. I’m logging calories on Myfitnesspal, but not crying if I’m a bit over. Just as long as I’m closely in range, and not constantly over. (One day in occasion, it’s FINE! I need to live).

-I’m not going to work out EVERY day. I get overwhelmed, the guilt hits me if I skip JUST ONCE to hang out. I need a life, so… as long as I work out 3 maybe 5 times, I’m fine.

-When school hits, I’m going to need support, and school does come first. But this year I have weekends off and am done with work / classes around 6pm. That’s plenty of time to cook and to go for a jog.  So I’m going to do it.

-I won’t feel guilty for going to Starbucks, instead of a Latte, I’m getting a tea or just a coffee. It won’t be often. But it’s probably going to happen. I have to accept that.

-I will try. Really try this time. I can’t stay in this cycle. I just can’t.

The Start of a New School Year

Every summer after school is done, finals are finished, and my grades are posted, I make a promise to lose weight. I always start out by making a diet and exercise plan and I usually invest in some new material such as new DVDs, weights, memberships or gear. I start out by running, lifting, and struggling to eat right. After a few weeks it becomes easier to motivate myself and easier to say “no” to the baked treats I love so much.

Also after those first few weeks, I realize I’m alone with this. I think no one understands what it’s like to try so hard and only see half a pound lost after a week of strict calorie counting and hours of sweaty work outs. So, I find a support group. I continue to push on, I continue to lose weight (no matter how slow or frustrating).

I do great! I lose weight and I start to think my goal is obtainable. Then, a few things happen.

1) School starts again. This takes up all that free time I had for working out and cooking. Also my money is now for books, tuition, supplies, and unfortunately things I don’t need such as lattes or a night out with friends.

2) I lose interest in the support groups I joined, or I convince myself I don’t have time for them. This doesn’t help with motivation.

3) I let the stress get to me and convince my stronger “self” that I do NEED that latte for class to survive. Or that working out for 20 minutes will be TOO MUCH for tonight.

I gain the weight I lost (usually more). I lose the confidence I gathered, I lose the motivation, I start eating again.

This year, I won’t do that again. I know I say that every year, but this is different. There are no excuses, there are no “I just don’t have time.” This is my life and I need to start balancing it. Home work and classes will always be a priority during the school seasons, but 25 minutes a night listening to Jillian Micheals on her SHRED isn’t that much time or that much effort. I’m making the change this year because I owe it to myself.

I want to be healthy, good looking, and worth it. I don’t want people to seem so shocked when I say I work out. I don’t want people to seem so sarcastic when I say that I went for a 20 mile bike ride the other day. And I sure as hell don’t want another guy to say anything about my weight being a main factor as to why he wouldn’t give me the time of day (Even when I have ZERO interest in their smug faces).

I need to update more, but I’m going to pretend that the days I don’t update were the days that working out trumped typing on the computer.

It’s time to do something for me that will make a life impact. I won’t get a diploma for it, I don’t imagine I’ll get a job or an award for it, but I will get self satisfaction for it and right now, the only opinion that matters, is mine. I want to make myself proud and happy, and this year, that’s what I’m going to do.

Get in the Game

I really do like Nike’s Slogan of Just Do IT. Because that’s really what this is. Just get up and do it. There is no “tomorrow” there is no “in the future I wish” there is just getting it done. Who knew their slogan could actually have so much impact on my mind set; because if not now, when?

I want to be thin NOW but I know it’s slow. I just keep telling myself to go work out, to just eat right, to just do the SHRED even when I really really really don’t want to. Honestly, I don’t know why I have to spend so long convincing myself either. Working out isn’t THAT bad once you get used to it. It’s not that painful and once you’re done, you’re done for the evening! You feel better about yourself, you feel more accomplished and you start to actually know your future you will be thin instead of wishing it.

I keep telling myself that this time next year, I won’t be thinking about losing 30 lbs, I’ll be thinking about tanning out in the sun, my muscle tone, and what clothes I am going to buy. I won’t be dodging pictures I’ll be racing to get in them, and I won’t tell myself that the reason the guy at the end of the bar won’t ever be interested in something like me, is my weight. I want that feeling, and I can get it. I just need to Just Do It.

Shred Results

Before the SHRED (and my calorie counting with some bike riding)
I weighed 170lbs.
Neck: 13″
Bicep: 12″
Forearm: 9″
Chest : 41″
Waist: 42″
Hips: 44″
Thigh: 22″
Calf: 15″

AFTER SHRED
Weight: 158 (-12lbs)
Neck: 12.5 (-1″)
Bicep: 11 (-1″)
ForeArm: 9 (-0)
Chest: 38 (-3″)
Waist:35.5 (-6.5″)
Hips: 42 (-2″)
Thigh: 18 (-4″)
Calf: 13 (-3″)

The slow weight loss

I completely understand that weight loss will not happen over night. I won’t wake up after a day of running, biking, Jillian Michael shredding and suddenly have the body I always wanted. I do get that, but it is fantastically annoying that it doesn’t work that way.

A week went by and after all my calorie counting, working out, sweating… I lost 1 lb. All this work for 1 lb! It’s easier to gain.

Well, no one said it was going to be easy, but it will be worth it.

I refuse to be upset about this, I know this means I’m toning muscle, getting healthy, and making the right changes. This time next year my worries will be something job related or cleaning house related. Weight won’t be on my mind. I have to keep that in mind. This is the last year I want to count how many pounds I need to lose to get to where I want to be. This is the last year I want to imagine what it will be like to be thin and healthy. This is the last year for any of that crap.

I have to tell myself that. It went down a pound, not up a pound. I have to be happy with that.

I shouldn’t have this on a time limit. I don’t need to be thin when school starts. I don’t need perfect abs for Halloween, I don’t need flawless arms and toned legs for New Years. If not this year, then next year. Either way, this will be the thinnest and healthiest I’ve ever done a first day of school or a Halloween. I don’t need a goal date, just a goal.

I’m giving something new a shot

In the grand scheme of things, I always start weight loss then give up half way through. It makes me feel like a failure, but to truly fail; I’d have to give up entirely.

This time, I plan to stick with it and I’m hoping blogging about it can help!

I have a personal blog elsewhere, but I am constantly thinking of making a new one. Just change. Everything about me feels the need for change. My weight, my clothes, the way I do my make up, even my hair. I just feel inspired to be someone I want to be.

I started this round of weight loss in the beginning of June. I got a fitday account and started here at 3FC. Anything to help me lose weight. I got some Jillian Michael DVDs (I highly recommend the SHRED to everyone) and I started biking more and watching my calories. Before I could really commit though, I needed reasons to do this, and reasons to stick with it.

So, here’s that list:

  1. I’m tired of letting my weight get in the way of having fun. If I want to swim, I should swim! Not be scared to get in a bathing suit! If I want to club, I should GO! Not be scared how fat I’ll look.
  2. I’m tired of being the fat girl in the group. I want to blend in for once.
  3. No more guys telling me I’m not good enough or rating me as a “2″ or a “3″ on their pathetic 1-10 scales. I want the most arrogant, cocky guy to want me, and then I want to end up with the one that never judged me and always treated me like a lady. Those guys deserve someone healthy and good looking.
  4. I want to be able to run a 5K and not feel like the world is laughing at me!
  5. I want to look healthy in skin, eyes, hair, and body. I want to have that glow radiating from my skin, that shimmer in my hair, that glint in my eyes, and that extra shine in my smiles. This rules out doing this weight loss in any unhealthy way. All nutrients, all food, all working out, and no “short cuts” or “fast solutions.”
  6. I honestly want to be healthy. I want to wake up feeling good and less depressed. I want to not feel exhausted and I want climb a mountain knowing that it won’t be my only climb.
  7. I want to wear cute clothing. There is a fashionista in my dying to come alive!
  8. I don’t want to hide from pictures anymore. Or cry when I see photos of me on Face Book.
  9. I don’t want everyone to assume it was me every time a stinker is floating around. I mean, thin people fart too!
  10. I want to wear that little black dress, that little summer dress, and the red dress too!

Well, it’s been about 2 months since I have started. I’m losing weight slowly (which I’m trying to convince myself is a good thing) and I’m dropping inches fast (which makes me really happy).