That’s what I’m telling myself. I know it’s Monday morning and nothing arouses more false hope than the first few hours of a diet/new plan etc. but for the love of all that is good, the binges cannot continue. Today I am wearing my 67 cm waist pants that were just a teeny big snug pre-binge. Post-binge (they went on all weekend, though less so yesterday – yesterday was just plain old overeating) I consider myself fortunate to be able to zip and shut them, and it’s not pretty. I weighed myself and I am three kilograms heavier than I was on Thursday morning. That’s disgusting in itself, but I cannot allow myself to turn said disgust inward toward myself. Hating myself won’t fix the problem.
My priority right now is to fix my eating. I won’t meticulously count calories (lies, I can’t not do the math in my head) and I won’t eat simply because it is mealtime and I “should” be eating at X o’clock. I have been reading a lot about intuitive eating and balance and non-diet, non-restrictive approaches toward food on healthygirl.org and other self-help blogs and websites. I think it’s important to think about how I behave toward food on weekends, when I have free time. I wake up and I’m not really hungry until a bit later in the day. What’s so wrong about waiting until you’re hungry to eat? Nothing, that’s what.
Of course I have been binging so it is terribly difficult to tell when I am truly “hungry” or not. The memories of what these binges have done will not be easy to shake off. As it stands my jaw and the inside of my mouth – gums, teeth, and tongue – are all tired and sore and super sensitive, simply from chewing too many chocolate covered nuts and other junk. That’s really hit home with me – I have literally been eating so much that my face hurts. This cannot continue. Especially not in the light of recent occurrences in Japan. I am fortunate to live in the southwestern island of Kyushu, tucked away from the center of seismic activity and tsunami-vulnerable Pacific coastline. But people I know have lost loved ones and been displaced from their homes. The Western media are screaming “NUCLEAR HOLOCAUST” which is BS – Fukushima will not be Chernobyl #2 – but the images of entire towns wiped off maps and thousands of people living in makeshift shelters in schools and community centers, those are real. It all makes me think about how precious life is. Too precious to kill myself slowly with disordered eating.
Filed under: Uncategorized on March 13th, 2011