A sad breakthrough.

Well, yesterday I crossed a line I never thought I’d cross. I had my first ever “no holds barred” binge and basically spent my evening shoveling everything from the drugstore/7-11 that looked even remotely good into my face, and then ordered in a personal pizza after I felt sick from too much cream/custard/sugar. 

It felt like a drug, like a total break from life, and now that I’ve done it I know I can never un-know how it made me feel and have to be extra vigilant. It would be so easy to just completely let myself go and accept binging as part of who I am, but I know that it is just impossible to eat that much and not become very overweight. I am young but I am not an Olympic swimmer or weightlifter. If I keep doing this, I’ll gain back all the weight I lost, and it will only take a month or two.

It took me 7 months to lose it. 7 months of forcing myself to run outside in 35 C 100% humidity at “fat smoker” fitness level. 7 months of commitment to reasonable portions and learning to eat my vegetables. 7 months of feeling excited and confident and optimistic. I’ll never forget how it felt to jump on the scale on my birthday and seeing that I weighed 56.1 kg – my lowest weight to date. I can’t let myself forget how great it feels to see the scale go down.

I have an addictive personality and I always need to be addicted to something. I’ve kicked smoking, cheating, anger and cynicism for a good part, and I can kick food. Food is something to be enjoyed, but it shouldn’t rule your life. And I’m sick of letting it rule mine.

3 Responses to “A sad breakthrough.”

  1. I can relate to you so much. I seem stalkerish reading your blog and posting to you here, but all of your posts really hit home to me. I had one of those “breakthrough” binges once, and the amount of food I ate still freaks me out to this day. It was years ago but like you said, you never forget. I hope that one day things aren’t so difficult. Life is hard, but something like food should be so simple. Eat food, maintain weight, end of story. If only that’s how it was.

  2. I’m with you on the binging…unfortunately the type of binge you’re talking about is one I know all too well and not a one time thing. And it led to me gaining back everything I lost within the one or two months you mentioned.

    I love the feeling of losing weight. LOVE IT! I love to see the numbers on the scale go down. It is an AMAZING feeling! Even better to slip into a pair of smaller pants. But for some reason that instant rush of pleasure I get from a binge (followed immediately by remorse) makes me forget how great those things feel in comparison.

    It’s impressive how many “habits’ you’ve kicked! Food is way harder because you can’t just cut it out completely. Let’s learn to control our cravings….

  3. pinkrunner: It’s not stalkerish when I include a link in my signature on 3FC 😉 Life is precious and just like you said, food should not be something with which we have to fight and stress over. I am sorry to a degree that you can relate to my posts, but it is comforting to know I am not alone. We are all works in progress.

    wibblewobble: The thrill of a low number on the scale or on a pair of pants seems galaxies away when you are in panicked binge mode. It’s not even about enjoying the food after a certain point – it’s as if the law of inertia has kicked in and you just can’t stop. I haven’t completely rid my life of my other vices/addictions but they are now manageable. I am going to focus my efforts on having a manageable and casual relationship with food. Overeating halts my life.

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