Well, yesterday I crossed a line I never thought I’d cross. I had my first ever “no holds barred” binge and basically spent my evening shoveling everything from the drugstore/7-11 that looked even remotely good into my face, and then ordered in a personal pizza after I felt sick from too much cream/custard/sugar.
It felt like a drug, like a total break from life, and now that I’ve done it I know I can never un-know how it made me feel and have to be extra vigilant. It would be so easy to just completely let myself go and accept binging as part of who I am, but I know that it is just impossible to eat that much and not become very overweight. I am young but I am not an Olympic swimmer or weightlifter. If I keep doing this, I’ll gain back all the weight I lost, and it will only take a month or two.
It took me 7 months to lose it. 7 months of forcing myself to run outside in 35 C 100% humidity at “fat smoker” fitness level. 7 months of commitment to reasonable portions and learning to eat my vegetables. 7 months of feeling excited and confident and optimistic. I’ll never forget how it felt to jump on the scale on my birthday and seeing that I weighed 56.1 kg - my lowest weight to date. I can’t let myself forget how great it feels to see the scale go down.
I have an addictive personality and I always need to be addicted to something. I’ve kicked smoking, cheating, anger and cynicism for a good part, and I can kick food. Food is something to be enjoyed, but it shouldn’t rule your life. And I’m sick of letting it rule mine.
Filed under: Uncategorized on March 10th, 2011