Not Normal

This is a thought that’s been lurking for quite some time now but I think it’s time I wrote it down for all the world to see.

I have disordered thinking about food.

I can’t sit down and eat a casual meal without snapping into either “binge-frenzy” or “paranoid-diet” mindset.  I can’t eat anything without doing the caloric mental math.  If someone offers me a souvenir treat I can’t eat it without feeling manic cravings for more.  I can’t have cereal without having more than two bowls of it.  I can’t proceed with a day without weighing myself in the morning, and I certainly can’t have a good day if I know my weight is up.  I can’t go more than ten days without binging in a rather self-sabotaging manner.  I can’t think about anything except food and calories and weight.

Really the only good thing to come out of this is that I can’t go two days without exercising or I’ll feel awful about myself.  That is a good habit.  The bad habits that have developed, however - obsessing over reading menus and restaurant reviews online, uncontrolled sugar binges despite good intentions, feeling like a three digit (two digits in kilos) number completely defines me as a person, having super swingy moods and zero libido whatsoever - those are worrying. 

If I could jump off the “diet mode” bandwagon and just stay the same, I think I would.  But I can’t.  Not when I know how many calories are in everything.  No matter what, I’ll feel like I’ve failed at life somehow by not achieving an arbitrary goal weight.  As badly as I want to “give up” or “take a break,” I just can’t let it go because I am heavier than I want to be.  It consumes me.  And the greatest irony of all is that it makes me hungry.

3 Responses to “Not Normal”

  1. Hi Krampus - I have been following some of your posts on 3FC. I really appreciated this blog post, because I feel like i can relate to everything you said. I just wanted to thank you for putting it into words :)

  2. I feel you on almost everything you posted (minus the libido portion). I’m worried that I’ll never have a normal relationship with food-ever. That I’ll constantly be yo-yo dieting. Sigh.

    I recently realized, however, that the number isn’t the end-all-be-all. For me its going to be about how I look and how clothing fits me…a girl I know who is TINY (or at least looks tiny) weighs 147 lbs…why? Because she works out and lifts weights. Muscle weighs more than fat….so you have to take this into account. If you’re working out almost daily you’re bound to have built muscle and attaining your arbitrarily set goal weight may not be possible.

    Maybe you should ask your bf to hide the scale for a couple of days? Or a couple of weeks? It might help with the binging if you don’t live and die by the pressure of the numbers…not sure. Lol.

  3. Thanks guys for your supportive words. I’m sorry that you understand and relate to what I’m going through, but misery loves company!

    It’s not so much about numbers as it is about feeling in control. There is a lot of disappointment with myself when I am decidedly no longer really enjoying a food yet I keep eating and eating. A jar of peanut butter should last a couple of weeks, not one day.

    For the moment I’m back on track, but like most complicated things I can only do one day at a time.

    <3

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