This is a thought that’s been lurking for quite some time now but I think it’s time I wrote it down for all the world to see.
I have disordered thinking about food.
I can’t sit down and eat a casual meal without snapping into either “binge-frenzy” or “paranoid-diet” mindset. I can’t eat anything without doing the caloric mental math. If someone offers me a souvenir treat I can’t eat it without feeling manic cravings for more. I can’t have cereal without having more than two bowls of it. I can’t proceed with a day without weighing myself in the morning, and I certainly can’t have a good day if I know my weight is up. I can’t go more than ten days without binging in a rather self-sabotaging manner. I can’t think about anything except food and calories and weight.
Really the only good thing to come out of this is that I can’t go two days without exercising or I’ll feel awful about myself. That is a good habit. The bad habits that have developed, however - obsessing over reading menus and restaurant reviews online, uncontrolled sugar binges despite good intentions, feeling like a three digit (two digits in kilos) number completely defines me as a person, having super swingy moods and zero libido whatsoever - those are worrying.
If I could jump off the “diet mode” bandwagon and just stay the same, I think I would. But I can’t. Not when I know how many calories are in everything. No matter what, I’ll feel like I’ve failed at life somehow by not achieving an arbitrary goal weight. As badly as I want to “give up” or “take a break,” I just can’t let it go because I am heavier than I want to be. It consumes me. And the greatest irony of all is that it makes me hungry.
Filed under: Uncategorized on February 27th, 2011