Taking back control

Seems a blog has been made, out of necessity and also out of a desire to express my thoughts in words.

Time to wrestle this grizzly bear of sugar-crack addiction to the ground and pound a big ol’ stake into its heart!  Seriously, I didn’t devote the past eight months to losing 30 pounds just so I could eat them back via Tim Tams and stale mango chocolate cookies at work.  It’s not about the small gains I’ve seen in the past week, it’s not about kilograms or pounds or scales.  It’s about control.  My weight should be something I am in charge of, not a wildly unstable and ever-changing monster that controls me.  If I never get to my target weight but can maintain with stability a weight that’s a little higher, I would feel okay about that.  It’s the zig-zag pattern of disordered thinking and mindlessly hoovering up all the sugar in sight that I find terrifying and a disappointing locus of weakness within myself.

Saturday was a bad, bad day for eating.  I probably ate something like 4,000 calories of which almost 3,000 were extraneous crap.  It was pretty embarrassing – there were Tim Tams after midnight McDonalds, multiple trips to different ice cream shops, and sneaking Danish butter cookies while my boyfriend was in the shower.  He generally finds it endearing or cute that I eat a lot and talk about how much I like eating, but by the end of the night even he admitted it grossed him out how little control I was showing as I scarfed down a friend’s leftover burger that she couldn’t finish.

I’m taking a one week break from sweets and desserts.  On Day 2 now.  Day 1 was okay but I kept finding myself reflexively gravitating toward the candy/cookie section at the shops.

One Response to “Taking back control”

  1. I completely understand how you feel! I end up going on wild and crazy binges too for weeks on end-then gain weight, my pants feel tight and I buckle down again. I hate the lack of control I have when it comes to food! I hate the yo-yo nature of my diet! I think your week-long commitment to abstaining from sweets is a great idea!

Leave a Reply