losing it

just another 3fc blog

friends December 16, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 8:50 am

weight: 136

totally not weight related post.

So much has changed in the last year of my life. I am a much different person that I was at the beginning of the year. I am more confident. I am more driven. I am nicer. Happier. Healthier. I expect more of myself, and I expect more of my friends.

Yesterday, I went out with my two best friends. We’ve been friends since middle school, so over 15 years. Good friends. Best Friends. But, this past year, Ive started to realize, we’ve really grown apart. We are not the same people, and I am not sure I like who they have become. I don’t like what I have to be in order to stay friends with them. At first I blamed myself. I lost weight, I changed. And I have. I dont’ want to take any more bullshit and drama from friends who don’t care and who only think of themselves. Without going into too much detail, they showed me that they don’t value our friendship. Last night, my two best friends showed me that they are not the girls I once knew. everything changes and I can’t keep trying to hold on to the past. My boyfriend saved me yesterday, picked me up even though he was swamped with work and my friends were supposed to have taken care of me. I love him. It’s hard for me to be in this phase where I’m letting go of the love I have for my friends. But, it’s also wonderful to be going through this new feeling of love I have for my boyfriend. I never thought my girls would desert me, or change on me. Where I couldnt rely on them. But it happened. And somehow, my boyfriend snuck in and gave me a stability that I didn’t know I was missing. So hard to explain.

So, I’m done. I’m done trying to be the friend who pleases everyone but myself. I’m done being the friend who takes the blame so that everyone else feels better about themselves. I tried and I made this effort to maintain these friendships. And, I’ve realized it’s not worth it. So, here’s to me. Here is to me having fun, and making new friends and not relying on the old ones. Here is to me being a better person.

 

Goal December 12, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 11:44 am

Weight: 135

I did it. I weighed in at 135 a couple of weeks ago and have maintained that. Me. 135. I find that unbelievable. I can’t believe that I was finally able to get to that weight. I’ve lost 164 pounds. I haven’t weighed 135 since elementary school. I kind of want to get below 135 to give myself a cushion, but at the same time I’m happy with where I am at. I have been very slow with exercise because of my back issues. That, and I’ve just been lazy and happy with my life. LIke, I haven’t exercised in about a month, ever since i hurt my back. My back is a lot better, so I know that I should start exercising. I like to exercise. It makes me feel better when I do, it makes me feel healthier. So, here’s to ending 2013 with a bang!

 

New Day November 18, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 8:19 am

weight: 137.8

Geeze, I was so contemplative and sad in my last post. I really had to take a step back and sort of examine where my life path was going. Right after I posted my blog, I went and did my usual round ups of of reading other people’s blogs, and one in particular stuck out. Riestrella (http://hippotohot.blogspot.com/) wrote about making an “impossible list”–a list of things you want to strive for, and add to. So I sat down and wrote mine out. Some are copied from hers, because she has some pretty awesome things she wants to do.

I spent the weekend with my boyfriend. We had a great time together, I really am falling in love with him. We ate terrible food, and had a music festival in his room, and watched Perks of Being a Wallflower. One line in that movie stuck out to me (and he actually told me it’s his fave line) :

“We accept the love we think we deserve”

Perfect. I do deserve to be happy. I deserve to be in a good relationship, where we laugh and cry and are silly together. I shouldn’t be afraid of this feeling. So, I am going to try my hardest to let this feeling take me, even though it has the potential to break me. Because, isn’t that what makes it so beautiful?

I also reconnected with some old friends, and we made plans to hang out over the weekend. I am going to open my life again. Life isn’t just about eating healthy and counting calories and exercising. It’s about spending time with the people you love doing the things you love. Hokey right? But, it’s so true.

Here’s my impossible list:


Life

· Fall head over heels in love and have that person feel the same way.

· Move to a nicer area and buy a house

· Treat my mom out to a beautiful day (spa, new clothes, dinner, etc)

· Make more NEW friends via different outlets other than work and current friends

· Take an actual vacation

· Finish my credential

· Work somewhere that I love (teaching).

· Get the Emily Dickinson tattoo I’ve been wanting on my back (middle, down spine)

· Leave a $100+ tip for someone who deserves it

· Do something charitable, where I am able to see the results of my donation/work.

Fitness/Health

· Reach goal weight of 125-135 (tbd)

· Run a Marathon

· Join some type of class activity (ie Crossfit, Yoga, Zumba)

· Be able to do 10 manly push ups

· Run at least 3 miles somewhere beautiful

Travel

· Visit family in Mexico.

· Go back the same route as my Road Trip 3 years ago.

· Visit Ireland.

· Go to China.

Creative

· Finish writing my book on my online adventures. Lol.

· Transfer all my journals online.

· Create a scrapbook of memories using pictures and memorabilia I’ve collected.

Skills

· Learn how to dance (learn a cool piece of choreography)

· Learn how to hold myself in a fight

· Learn another language (sign language? )

· Learn how to play a mean game of poker

Activities

· See the sharks (in a cage!)

· Ride a horse somewhere in the open (beach, open land)

· Go to Bridge to Nowhere and bungee jump

· Go sky diving

· Shoot a bow and arrow

· Climb the trails of the ancient dwellings at Mesa National Park in Colorado

Random

· Learn to whistle.

· Learn a rap song

· Get up and karaoke

· Dance on top of a bar

 

what now? November 14, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 8:41 am

weight: 139.0

I am so close to my goal of 135. I really think that this may be it. I may have to call it at 135. I feel like I look good and I feel good. I’m just not looking forward to maintenance and upping my calories. It’s terrifying. I also feel like, what do I do now? Once I get to 135 and this need to lose weight is over, then what? I know that weight will always be a struggle for me, but I know it won’t be as intense as it has been these last 3 years. I’ve dedicated my last 3 years to getting healthy and shedding 160 pounds. What do I have left?

yesterday, I kind of got a little depressed thinking about my life. Yeah, I’m healthy and active but I’ve sacrificed a lot. I had some really good friends 3 years ago. Now, because I made health my priority and those friends couldn’t deal, I don’t hang out with them as much. I like to go hiking and running and what not. But I no longer enjoy going out to eat all the time with my friends, and that’s all theywanted to do. So, I became such a solo independent person. Which is in part good, because before when I was obese, I was too reliant on these friends. I couldn’t do anything without them, without them as a shield. But now I wish I had kept a little for them.

I have no idea why I’m feeling like this today and yesterday. I just have had a terrible work week. I want to change jobs so badly. I’ve applied at a few places but I feel like I’m stuck here. I want to be a teacher already. I want to work somewhere else.

I texted my boyfriend yesterday. He didn’t respond. Deep down, I knew he was probably asleep because he’s had a hard week at work too, and that he probably knocked out. But, I started overthinking everything in my mind. Like, was I being needy for wanting him to text me. Was I too into this relationship, when he didn’t feel the same? I started really freaking out. My last boyfriend broke up with me via text, and geeze it hurt. I’m over him, but I’m not over how he did it and I shouldn’t punish my current bf for that, but it scares me to think that something like that could happen. I dread it. My boyfriend ended up texting me late at night that he fell asleep. But, I’m still worried. A part of me feels like may be I don’t deserve to be happy. I’ve lost all this weight, I look good, I feel good, and I have a good boyfriend. But, things have to fall apart. Don’t they always? May be I’ll regain the weight. May be he’ll break up with me. may be I’ll keep at my job and keep hating it. ugh. I hate this feeling.

My life has been on this path. I made the decision 3 years ago to lose weight. Then, this year in January I made the decision to put myself out there and find love. I seem to have both of those and I’m terrified that it’ll be yanked from me.

 

Halloween October 31, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 9:16 am

weight: 140.5

ahhhhhhh so close to the 130s. I can’t believe I am officially almost at my new goal of 135. Very happy. I don’t have Halloween plans, but I dressed up a couple of weeks ago for a party that I went to. It was super fun being able to actually wear a cute outfit (size small!). Today, I’m probably just going to take my nephew out trick or treating.

I was supposed to run a 10k last Sunday, but I hurt my back on Friday so I had to cancel. I’m very upset that I have such a weak back. I run, I hike, I do cardio. And yet, getting out of bed I pulled a muscle. I’ve been out of commission all week. I’m getting better, but probably won’t be 100% until 1-2 more weeks. It sucks, because I had planned to start a new gym/classes on November 1. I really want to get to 135 before the end of the year. Hell, before December 1st would be awesome too. I want to be able to go into the DMV and write in the new final weight of 130something and take a new pic at Goal. Hopefully my back heals fast.

In other news, I’ve spent all week thinking about my guy. On Sunday, he stayed up late working and when he came to bed, he accidently woke me up. It wasn’t a big deal, but he started stroking my arm to get me to fall asleep (I make him stroke my arm when we are watching movies, it’s relaxing to me). It was SO SWEET. I’m not ready to tell him the L word. It’s so terrifying! I don’t know how people do it. Fear of rejection. Or even, fear of being in love. Fear of needing someone. Fear of liking someone that much. Ugh.

 

body image October 3, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 8:15 am

weight: 144

I used to look at my body and really dislike what I saw. I had stretchmarks on my tummy. I had a belly and hips and big thighs. Even when I was bigger, I still thought I looked okay with clothes on. But when I looked at myself naked, I wanted to cry. I hate that I couldn’t love myself, because god know I would’ve been a happier person. I couldn’t be big and confident, as much as I tried. I followed fat acceptance blogs, and thought those women were cute and happy and lovely. But, i couldn’t make that happen with me.

Now, I look at my body and I’m happy. Dont’ get me wrong. I am FAR from perfect. I still have big thighs and hips. I definitely still have stretchmarks on my (flat) belly. I have some loose skin. I have areas that I wish I could change. But, I love myself. I love that my body can accomplish all these great things. This is my body, flaws and all. I wish I had that mentality when I was bigger. But, better late than never, right?

 

Healthy and Happy September 22, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 6:11 pm

weight: 146

I went on an AMAZING hike today. I’ve hiked a lot this summer, and I really think that’s why I look so thin (even though I’m still in the 140s). But today’s hike was a killer. It wasn’t just uphill and walking, it was lifting myself up onto rocks, and sliding, and shimmying down trails, and I felt like a badass. LOL. It was about a 5 hour hike total, and pretty strenuous. i went with my uncle and cousins, and we got into this discussion about why I had decided to lose weight. and I honestly answered them… I originally lost weight because I was unhappy with how I looked in some pics I saw at my heaviest. And I thought, I want to look good. Or at least not so dang big. But, now, I can honestly say I kept losing weight because of the way it makes me feel when I do thinks like hike. or run a few miles with my students. Or am able to walk the two flights of stairs to my office with no huffing and puffing. I like the feeling that I am HEALTHY. That’s what I have to remind myself. I want to see the 130s so bad. But, I need to remember that I am doing this to be happy and healthy, and it’s not just about a number on the scale. I’ll get there in my own time. Moments like today make me feel so amazing. It reminds me that I am capable of anything.

 

my love life September 20, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 8:47 am

weight: 147 (ugh!!!!)

whtever. this post isn’t going to be weight related. It’s going to be about my love life. Before 2013, I had never been on one date. I had never really kissed a boy that I liked or liked me (i had kissed boys in high school like twice from truth and dare, and on my 21st BD a friend kissed me drunkenly). So, basically, I had no experience at all. No one knew this, not even my closest friends. To them, I had my first kiss at 17 when I visited my cousins one summer. It never happened. I think you can be overweight and obese and happy and in love. But, I never found it and I didn’t want to put myself out there. So, I began 2013 at 200 pounds (down 100 pounds from my heaviest) and dateless. And I put myself on this dating website. And I got TONS of messages. Some were from creepers. But, some weren’t. I think the biggest step was going on that first date. I was so nervous. I was a 26 year old going on my first date, for christ’s sake! and it didn’t go super well. But, I didn’t die.

So, I kept going on occasional dates. And getting better. and meeting some pretty interesting characters. some were weird interesting. others were nice interesting. but none were boyfriend love of my life interesting. I became this girl that not only went on dates, but who REJECTED boys. they always asked me out again, and it was me who had to decide when to cut it because I knew it wasn’t what I was looking for. It was weird and hard to be in that position because I didn’t want to be that person that rejected someone who honestly liked me.

And then I met this guy early in the year. By this point I had dated a handful of guys. I was at about 190 pounds. We had one month of dating. about 8 dates in that time. I thought the relationship was so good. May be I rushed into that relationship because I wanted a boyfriend. May be he rushed into that relationship because he wanted a girlfriend. He told me he loved me towards the end of our relationship. I couldn’t reciprocate. He said it so easily, but I did’t think it was possible to feel that way so soon. at the time I thought it was because I was scared but now I know that a part of me knew that we were pretending. He broke up with me 2 days after he told me he loved me. Said he had rushed it, had wanted to be something he wasn’t and I wasn’t. Basically that he screwed up. And I hated him for it. My first real breakup. and it hurt. I laid in bed crying, got super drunk and went clubbing. Thought about him all the time. Everything had come so easy with him that I didn’t think I’d ever find something like that. Yes, even after only one month of dating.

I stayed single and my weight loss stalled at 180. Then I made a conscious decision to say Fuck You to him. How? I started upping my exercise and I started dating again. I dated A LOT. By the time summer rolled around, my days consisted of gym, hiking in the afternoon and dating at night. i was probably going on about 2-4 dates a week. Some guys I would give 2nd dates, rarely would someone get beyond a 3rd date. One did. But never anyone serious. A part of me thought may be I was too picky. That I wasn’t giving these guys a chance. By the end of summer I had dropped to around 160. I have never felt more alive. I was fit. I was dating. I was happy with not knowing and exploring. By this point, I just wanted to date and get experience dating and meet new people with cool jobs and interests and passions. I was no longer thinking about my ex. i was thinking about what a great hike I was going to go on the next day, or the nice museum that one guy took me to. I was thinking about how I got to wear shorts for the first time this summer since like middle school. And I looked good in them. And I wore a bathing suit! and I went dancing and got drunk and flirted with boys. I was new.

Unexpectedly I found a legitly great guy. We made if official almost immediately. We just clicked. May be we won’t last past the year. Hell, may be we won’t last past the month. I think we will, but I’m not going to rush this. I like him. I like him a lot. We’ve been dating for 3 months, which isn’t a long time. But, I’m happy. And anything can happen.

I don’t know why I felt like writing this. I just led this love-less life for so long. And, I finally did something about it. Online dating was probably the best decision I ever made. It got me out there, it made me less nervous. I have guys who ask me out in person too, and it has made that easier. September 20. It’s been about 9 months since I started my profile. But, I am such a different person in those 9 months. I’m down 53 lbs from january. and I’m up a pretty cool boyfriend. :D

 

SRLA September 10, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 7:15 am

weight: 147

weight is coming off so slowly, even though I’m doing everything right.

I’m at the point where I really just have to accept my body’s gradual loss. I’m not ready to call it yet, but I also need to remind myself that I can and will eventually get into the 130s.

Have I mentioned that I joined SRLA? It’s a club at the school I work at that trains all year to run the LA Marathon. Yesterday we ran 3miles. geezus. I am glad that I’ve been running more often throughout the week on my own, because those 3 miles were brutal but doable. I was pretty proud of myself, especially because I was able to keep up with the top third of the pack. Hell, I would’ve been happy had I just finished it :D

I think I may go and buy my groceries for the week. I’ve been eating out with the boyfriend (although I watch my portions and stay below my calorie limit). I think may be that’s a reason as to why I’m not losing. I need more fresh meals that I cook. Think I’m going to buy me some chicken and a couple of steaks and do my own dinners all week.

147. ugh.

 

normal BMI August 29, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 10:56 am

weight: 147.8

Well. It happened. I am finally at a normal BMI. I took so long at 152-150, I kind of thought hitting 149 or below would just be whatever. But, no, It was emotional. Overwhelming. I’m no longer overweight. It was a big goal, and I reached it.

next mini goal is to get to another decade (hello 130s!).

I am planning on skydiving when I get to goal, whatever that may be. For now, i want to get to 140 by Halloween. I really want to wear a sexy outfit (hence is why I am part of the sexy by halloween challenge on 3fc’s 20 somethings).

Halloween 2011, I squeezed my size 3x into a Size 1x/2x Gypsy costume at 275 lbs. and, i felt pretty good.  Halloween 2012, I wore the same gypsy costume but I was at 220 lbs. the size 1x/2x fit a lot better and I felt like I looked awesome.

halloween 2013. Hopefully I’ll be at 140. Right now, I fit into smalls and mediums. I kind of want to be a gypsy again, but I have to buy a new outfit for it. I tried on the one from last year, and it hangs on me. I will post those pics when the time comes. I am so excited.

 

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