losing it

just another 3fc blog

pics February 26, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 11:45 am

weight: 137 (double argh).

When I was 300 pounds, I never wore a bathing suit. hell, I never felt comfortable wearing shorts or skirts and dresses. This past summer, I really went out of my comfort zone and decided to wear these clothes. I’ve seen many bigger women wear shorts and dresses and look absolutely beautiful, but I never had the confidence. now that I am smaller, i still don’t have that much confidence, but it’s something that i am really working hard on. I’ve written before how hard it is to see myself as this smaller person–heck as a SMALL person. someone called me little the other day, but my mind can’t accept those descriptions of my body because i was bigger for so long. I wonder if I will ever truly see myself as small? or normal? I have only been in maintenance for a few months, so may be when I can say I’ve kept the weight off for a few years I’ll be used to this new body? anyway…

I am planning on going on a beach vacation the summer and I am going to have to wear a bathing suit. this is a pic of me in bathing suit last year, and then last night with about a 20 pound difference. I only really see my thighs are smaller, although my torso seems a bit more lean. But in the pic of me sideways, i think you can really see a difference where I have lost my pudginess/roundness. My arm fat is a lot less as well, and that’s a huge problem area for me (it’s why I always wear sleeves. One of the things I really want to do this summer is wear spaghetti straps and sleeveless dresses. My arms don’t look as bad as I thought, but I definitely am hoping to really tone up my legs and arms and may be lost those 5-10 pounds by July when I go on my vacation and I wanted these pics as reference.

I also included a pic of me in a more formal party dress and skirt/blouse combo. I really want to look beautiful when I meet my boyfriend’s family in May and these are some outfits I may wear to a wedding and a graduation. I can’t believe that I am in a serious relationship. For someone who was a hermit when it came to dating a year ago, this is mind boggling.

 

change February 18, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 10:36 am

weight: 136

My brother is doing awesome. They took out his respirator, he’s off of the morphine. He looks great. In fact, the doctors say he is doing better than they expected. They told us he may get to come home by the end of the week (may be sooner). He looks so alert, he’s talking and laughing. Don’t get me wrong, he is in pain and he is struggling in his own way. But, for what he’s been through he is making an amazing recovery. I can’t wait to have him home. In a moment of family bonding and unity, my cousins and uncles and aunts all decided to re-do my brother’s home. We started this weekend by priming and painting and moving furniture. But, we didn’t expect him to get out so soon, so we are rushing to buy the furniture we had planned. We want him to come home to a beautiful and relaxing home. He’s going to have a hard time adjusting to his scars and what he went through, so the least we could do is make him comfortable and happy.

My boyfriend asked me to move in with him. Not just move in, move away. He got a job opportunity and he would like me to go with him. Then, this happened with my brother and we said we’d hold off until June. So, I could potentially be moving out of state with my boyfriend. It’s so weird and random, but it feels very right. I’m very unhappy at my current job, and I feel like I need a change. I told him we would go. We are so excited to live together. It’s going to be so different if this happens. Right now, we are considering staying in LA until the end of the year, but no matter what we are moving in together. The only reason we are considering staying in cali is because I don’t know what my brother’s recovery is going to look like right now, and I don’t want to commit to moving if he is going to need me.

I don’t know how I am going to tell my parents. While they are not super conservative, living with a boy (who I’ve been dating for only a year) is going to be hard for them. I’ve never moved in with someone (he hasn’t either despite almost being engaged about 7 years ago). But, it feels so right. I don’t know how long couples usually wait, but moving in seems like the next logical step. I’m already staying at his place about 4 nights anyway, I have some of my stuff over there. It also makes sense because I really want to leave my job. I could help him with his business, or I could also look for another career. Moving away seems so unlike me, and yet exactly like me. I want to take that chance.

 

brother’s illness February 12, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 1:58 pm

weight: 136

My brother had to go into emergency surgery last week. We thought he had something very small and doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him. he was in hospital, getting worse day by day for about 3 days before doctors realized he had a rare form of a flesh eating bacteria. After the emergency surgery, he had to have even more surgeries (less complicated) every day since it happened. They finally told us yesterday that he is on the right path and that he’s getting better. I haven’t heard his voice since the first surgery as they have had him on a respirator and sedated, but I’ve been visiting him daily. My diet and exercise have basically gone out the window at this point. I did weigh myself this morning and it was fine. But, my mind isn’t in this right now. I just want my brother back home. I want him to be healthy and strong and be that exuberant personality that I know and love. It’s hard to go into his hospital room in the ICU and see him sedated, see him with bandages all over his head where they operated. Things like this shouldnt happen, especially not to people like him.

Family came from everywhere. My boyfriend stayed with me at the hospital. It was a beautiful thing to see so many people who love and care for my brother. I have hope that he will beat this, that the worse has passed. And it can only make us stronger.

 

love. February 4, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 7:59 pm

weight: 137

Weight exercise news: I joined a new challenge on 3fc that focuses on changing habits (versus weight). I have some bad habits (diet coke, candy snacking) and I’d like to change them. I also feel like this is a good way to begin exercising more. so far, my weight hasn’t really changed. I hover from 135-139. but I’m hoping eventually to see a 120-something this year. before the summer preferably. before spring break, if I’m being honest.

relationship news: He told me he loved me. I’ve been waiting for him to say it, hoping he would say it, dreading that he didn’t feel the same way. I didn’t have much experience with boys until the last year, and so it was hard for me to judge whether or not he felt the same way. He treated me like he loved me, but he never said those words. when he finally did, it was perfect. it was right. I didn’t even have to think about it. I said it right back because I love him. despite our many differences, I love him. I didn’t have to think about it, saying it came so naturally. almost a year ago I had a very bad experience with that word. Someone told it to me and I couldn’t respond in like. at first, i thought it was because I was scared. But now with time and reflection and with this experience at love, I understand my hesitation last year was because I knew I didn’t feel the same. This time, things are so different. It’s terrifying. and beautiful.