losing it

just another 3fc blog

what now? November 14, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 8:41 am

weight: 139.0

I am so close to my goal of 135. I really think that this may be it. I may have to call it at 135. I feel like I look good and I feel good. I’m just not looking forward to maintenance and upping my calories. It’s terrifying. I also feel like, what do I do now? Once I get to 135 and this need to lose weight is over, then what? I know that weight will always be a struggle for me, but I know it won’t be as intense as it has been these last 3 years. I’ve dedicated my last 3 years to getting healthy and shedding 160 pounds. What do I have left?

yesterday, I kind of got a little depressed thinking about my life. Yeah, I’m healthy and active but I’ve sacrificed a lot. I had some really good friends 3 years ago. Now, because I made health my priority and those friends couldn’t deal, I don’t hang out with them as much. I like to go hiking and running and what not. But I no longer enjoy going out to eat all the time with my friends, and that’s all theywanted to do. So, I became such a solo independent person. Which is in part good, because before when I was obese, I was too reliant on these friends. I couldn’t do anything without them, without them as a shield. But now I wish I had kept a little for them.

I have no idea why I’m feeling like this today and yesterday. I just have had a terrible work week. I want to change jobs so badly. I’ve applied at a few places but I feel like I’m stuck here. I want to be a teacher already. I want to work somewhere else.

I texted my boyfriend yesterday. He didn’t respond. Deep down, I knew he was probably asleep because he’s had a hard week at work too, and that he probably knocked out. But, I started overthinking everything in my mind. Like, was I being needy for wanting him to text me. Was I too into this relationship, when he didn’t feel the same? I started really freaking out. My last boyfriend broke up with me via text, and geeze it hurt. I’m over him, but I’m not over how he did it and I shouldn’t punish my current bf for that, but it scares me to think that something like that could happen. I dread it. My boyfriend ended up texting me late at night that he fell asleep. But, I’m still worried. A part of me feels like may be I don’t deserve to be happy. I’ve lost all this weight, I look good, I feel good, and I have a good boyfriend. But, things have to fall apart. Don’t they always? May be I’ll regain the weight. May be he’ll break up with me. may be I’ll keep at my job and keep hating it. ugh. I hate this feeling.

My life has been on this path. I made the decision 3 years ago to lose weight. Then, this year in January I made the decision to put myself out there and find love. I seem to have both of those and I’m terrified that it’ll be yanked from me.