losing it

just another 3fc blog

New Day November 18, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 8:19 am

weight: 137.8

Geeze, I was so contemplative and sad in my last post. I really had to take a step back and sort of examine where my life path was going. Right after I posted my blog, I went and did my usual round ups of of reading other people’s blogs, and one in particular stuck out. Riestrella (http://hippotohot.blogspot.com/) wrote about making an “impossible list”–a list of things you want to strive for, and add to. So I sat down and wrote mine out. Some are copied from hers, because she has some pretty awesome things she wants to do.

I spent the weekend with my boyfriend. We had a great time together, I really am falling in love with him. We ate terrible food, and had a music festival in his room, and watched Perks of Being a Wallflower. One line in that movie stuck out to me (and he actually told me it’s his fave line) :

“We accept the love we think we deserve”

Perfect. I do deserve to be happy. I deserve to be in a good relationship, where we laugh and cry and are silly together. I shouldn’t be afraid of this feeling. So, I am going to try my hardest to let this feeling take me, even though it has the potential to break me. Because, isn’t that what makes it so beautiful?

I also reconnected with some old friends, and we made plans to hang out over the weekend. I am going to open my life again. Life isn’t just about eating healthy and counting calories and exercising. It’s about spending time with the people you love doing the things you love. Hokey right? But, it’s so true.

Here’s my impossible list:


Life

· Fall head over heels in love and have that person feel the same way.

· Move to a nicer area and buy a house

· Treat my mom out to a beautiful day (spa, new clothes, dinner, etc)

· Make more NEW friends via different outlets other than work and current friends

· Take an actual vacation

· Finish my credential

· Work somewhere that I love (teaching).

· Get the Emily Dickinson tattoo I’ve been wanting on my back (middle, down spine)

· Leave a $100+ tip for someone who deserves it

· Do something charitable, where I am able to see the results of my donation/work.

Fitness/Health

· Reach goal weight of 125-135 (tbd)

· Run a Marathon

· Join some type of class activity (ie Crossfit, Yoga, Zumba)

· Be able to do 10 manly push ups

· Run at least 3 miles somewhere beautiful

Travel

· Visit family in Mexico.

· Go back the same route as my Road Trip 3 years ago.

· Visit Ireland.

· Go to China.

Creative

· Finish writing my book on my online adventures. Lol.

· Transfer all my journals online.

· Create a scrapbook of memories using pictures and memorabilia I’ve collected.

Skills

· Learn how to dance (learn a cool piece of choreography)

· Learn how to hold myself in a fight

· Learn another language (sign language? )

· Learn how to play a mean game of poker

Activities

· See the sharks (in a cage!)

· Ride a horse somewhere in the open (beach, open land)

· Go to Bridge to Nowhere and bungee jump

· Go sky diving

· Shoot a bow and arrow

· Climb the trails of the ancient dwellings at Mesa National Park in Colorado

Random

· Learn to whistle.

· Learn a rap song

· Get up and karaoke

· Dance on top of a bar

 

what now? November 14, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 8:41 am

weight: 139.0

I am so close to my goal of 135. I really think that this may be it. I may have to call it at 135. I feel like I look good and I feel good. I’m just not looking forward to maintenance and upping my calories. It’s terrifying. I also feel like, what do I do now? Once I get to 135 and this need to lose weight is over, then what? I know that weight will always be a struggle for me, but I know it won’t be as intense as it has been these last 3 years. I’ve dedicated my last 3 years to getting healthy and shedding 160 pounds. What do I have left?

yesterday, I kind of got a little depressed thinking about my life. Yeah, I’m healthy and active but I’ve sacrificed a lot. I had some really good friends 3 years ago. Now, because I made health my priority and those friends couldn’t deal, I don’t hang out with them as much. I like to go hiking and running and what not. But I no longer enjoy going out to eat all the time with my friends, and that’s all theywanted to do. So, I became such a solo independent person. Which is in part good, because before when I was obese, I was too reliant on these friends. I couldn’t do anything without them, without them as a shield. But now I wish I had kept a little for them.

I have no idea why I’m feeling like this today and yesterday. I just have had a terrible work week. I want to change jobs so badly. I’ve applied at a few places but I feel like I’m stuck here. I want to be a teacher already. I want to work somewhere else.

I texted my boyfriend yesterday. He didn’t respond. Deep down, I knew he was probably asleep because he’s had a hard week at work too, and that he probably knocked out. But, I started overthinking everything in my mind. Like, was I being needy for wanting him to text me. Was I too into this relationship, when he didn’t feel the same? I started really freaking out. My last boyfriend broke up with me via text, and geeze it hurt. I’m over him, but I’m not over how he did it and I shouldn’t punish my current bf for that, but it scares me to think that something like that could happen. I dread it. My boyfriend ended up texting me late at night that he fell asleep. But, I’m still worried. A part of me feels like may be I don’t deserve to be happy. I’ve lost all this weight, I look good, I feel good, and I have a good boyfriend. But, things have to fall apart. Don’t they always? May be I’ll regain the weight. May be he’ll break up with me. may be I’ll keep at my job and keep hating it. ugh. I hate this feeling.

My life has been on this path. I made the decision 3 years ago to lose weight. Then, this year in January I made the decision to put myself out there and find love. I seem to have both of those and I’m terrified that it’ll be yanked from me.