losing it

just another 3fc blog

my love life September 20, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 8:47 am

weight: 147 (ugh!!!!)

whtever. this post isn’t going to be weight related. It’s going to be about my love life. Before 2013, I had never been on one date. I had never really kissed a boy that I liked or liked me (i had kissed boys in high school like twice from truth and dare, and on my 21st BD a friend kissed me drunkenly). So, basically, I had no experience at all. No one knew this, not even my closest friends. To them, I had my first kiss at 17 when I visited my cousins one summer. It never happened. I think you can be overweight and obese and happy and in love. But, I never found it and I didn’t want to put myself out there. So, I began 2013 at 200 pounds (down 100 pounds from my heaviest) and dateless. And I put myself on this dating website. And I got TONS of messages. Some were from creepers. But, some weren’t. I think the biggest step was going on that first date. I was so nervous. I was a 26 year old going on my first date, for christ’s sake! and it didn’t go super well. But, I didn’t die.

So, I kept going on occasional dates. And getting better. and meeting some pretty interesting characters. some were weird interesting. others were nice interesting. but none were boyfriend love of my life interesting. I became this girl that not only went on dates, but who REJECTED boys. they always asked me out again, and it was me who had to decide when to cut it because I knew it wasn’t what I was looking for. It was weird and hard to be in that position because I didn’t want to be that person that rejected someone who honestly liked me.

And then I met this guy early in the year. By this point I had dated a handful of guys. I was at about 190 pounds. We had one month of dating. about 8 dates in that time. I thought the relationship was so good. May be I rushed into that relationship because I wanted a boyfriend. May be he rushed into that relationship because he wanted a girlfriend. He told me he loved me towards the end of our relationship. I couldn’t reciprocate. He said it so easily, but I did’t think it was possible to feel that way so soon. at the time I thought it was because I was scared but now I know that a part of me knew that we were pretending. He broke up with me 2 days after he told me he loved me. Said he had rushed it, had wanted to be something he wasn’t and I wasn’t. Basically that he screwed up. And I hated him for it. My first real breakup. and it hurt. I laid in bed crying, got super drunk and went clubbing. Thought about him all the time. Everything had come so easy with him that I didn’t think I’d ever find something like that. Yes, even after only one month of dating.

I stayed single and my weight loss stalled at 180. Then I made a conscious decision to say Fuck You to him. How? I started upping my exercise and I started dating again. I dated A LOT. By the time summer rolled around, my days consisted of gym, hiking in the afternoon and dating at night. i was probably going on about 2-4 dates a week. Some guys I would give 2nd dates, rarely would someone get beyond a 3rd date. One did. But never anyone serious. A part of me thought may be I was too picky. That I wasn’t giving these guys a chance. By the end of summer I had dropped to around 160. I have never felt more alive. I was fit. I was dating. I was happy with not knowing and exploring. By this point, I just wanted to date and get experience dating and meet new people with cool jobs and interests and passions. I was no longer thinking about my ex. i was thinking about what a great hike I was going to go on the next day, or the nice museum that one guy took me to. I was thinking about how I got to wear shorts for the first time this summer since like middle school. And I looked good in them. And I wore a bathing suit! and I went dancing and got drunk and flirted with boys. I was new.

Unexpectedly I found a legitly great guy. We made if official almost immediately. We just clicked. May be we won’t last past the year. Hell, may be we won’t last past the month. I think we will, but I’m not going to rush this. I like him. I like him a lot. We’ve been dating for 3 months, which isn’t a long time. But, I’m happy. And anything can happen.

I don’t know why I felt like writing this. I just led this love-less life for so long. And, I finally did something about it. Online dating was probably the best decision I ever made. It got me out there, it made me less nervous. I have guys who ask me out in person too, and it has made that easier. September 20. It’s been about 9 months since I started my profile. But, I am such a different person in those 9 months. I’m down 53 lbs from january. and I’m up a pretty cool boyfriend. :D

 

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