losing it

just another 3fc blog

updates March 29, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 1:19 pm

weight: 178.4!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

woohoo :) I am officially overweight!!! So happy. I started this at 299 (is that morbidly obese?). and now I am overweight yah!!!

It’s the end of my spring break, so I was off by a few days, but that is okay. I’m freaking HAPPY! Also, I went to the mall and fit into size 11s! I visited my cousins in AZ and they all made me feel great about my weight. My cousin-in-law’s mother (who hasn’t seen me in two years) didn’t even greet me because she thought I was someone different! LOL. So now the countdown really begins. I want to get to 149 (NORMAL BMI). Less than 30 pounds. I can do this!! woot woot!

Dating wise: My cousin tried to set me up with here husband’s cousin. This guy has never liked me. We don’t get along. But, all of a sudden I’ve lost weight and he HIT on me. C’mon, that’s ridiculous. He seriously asked me out. I couldn’t believe it. Of course I turned him down. We never had a spark and now I’m thinner and we should date?

I’m back on OKC. going very slowly. I’ve been on one date with this guy. He seems nice. But, I don’t know. Feels may be more like a friend. Why is it that the guys I feel are more friends LIKE me as more than a friend? argh. May be I’m too picky. anyway, I’m not completely over He who will not be named. But I’m getting there.

Oh Yeah. Last thing. My cousin took me hiking. It was the worst steepest hike I’ve ever done. I mean, everyone on the trail was fit and toned. I couldn’t believe my cousin would even think I could do that hike. But, I DID IT!! I yelped it afterward, and reviews of this hike were brutal. So, it wasn’t just me! and even the fit people were huffing and puffing. Well some of them :) so yeah, I can hike intermediate trails…boo ya!

 

confidence March 18, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 6:42 am

weight: 180.8

It looks like I might hit my goal of 179 (no longer obese) this week!! I head off to AZ on Saturday morning. I think I am going to do this!! once I hit 179, I am going to really evaluate what I want my final goal to be. At the beginning of high school, I weighed 165 (and thought I was SOO Fat). But, I looked good. BMI wise I need to get to 149. I just don’t know how to decide. Will my body tell me? Will I just plateau?

So let’s talk about people reaction to weight loss. The one thing I don’t like is how so many people feel the need to tell you to Stop losing weight. Like, if you couldn’t tell me to stop gaining weight, you can’t tell me to stop losing weight. I personally think it’s insulting. Im 180 and 5′5. Obese by a pound. I could lose a good 30-40-50 pounds and not look emaciated! I don’t understand why people do this. May be it’s because they have never seen me smaller than I am right now? So they think it would be super drastic? I dont know.

I went out on Friday. And I had a great time! I danced the night with my friends, and got hit on by boys. it was nice. Doesn’t mean I’m over my ex, but I feel a little renewed. I am no longer so self conscious about the way I look (well, with clothes lol). I’ve gained a lot of confidence in this journey–confidence I didn’t know was missing! I was always told I was a big but pretty girl. And I think that’s what kept me from losing weight. Cause, hey who cares if I’m overweight (I was obese but refused to admit that), as long as I was cute?

Now that I’m smaller, I’m doing things that I wouldn’t have done before. wearing a skirt to go clubbing? online dating? next week I’m going back to six flags (I was terrified I wouldn’t fit in seatbelts when I was closer to 300). and I plan on going sky diving once I reach my goal (most skydiving places charge more if you’re over 230, some 200). I just feel pretty great now.

I just wish I could find someone to share this with. It’s a lonely place sometimes, and I don’t want to depend on a guy to be happy. But, I wish I could find a boy that I can have fun with, that likes me, that understands me. ahhh I don’t want to get back into a “woe is me” attitude” . so let me end this with: I’m happy with how far I’ve come. And I’m super excited to almost be overweight!!!

 

The Big Break-Up March 14, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 7:01 am

weight: 182.2 (actually got to 179.7 earlier this week, but must’ve been dehydrated from drinking)

You can probably guess from my title. We broke up. Actually, he dumped me. And the thing is, it was such a dumb reason. I saw no red flags, I still see no red flags. On Saturday (our 1 month), we got into this discussion about how fast he’s moving (with the L word). He actually is the one who brought it up, how he thinks we are on different wave lengths in our relationship. I thought it didn’t matter to him that I wasn’t moving as fast as him, but apparently it did. This then became a breakup convo. He chickened out. I actually told him that, that he was going to regret this bc he was scared. But, regardless, we are done. My first heartbreak. I feel like I put myself out there, only to have my heart crushed. it was only a month, but damn it felt like forever. Like I knew him. argh. I’m so mad at myself for letting myself be hurt like this. I literally cried the whole day on Saturday. I just felt like what did I do…what could I have done differently.

My cousins were visiting from out of state on Saturday, so I had to make an appearance with them. and I got DRUNK (patron shots all night). you know what, I felt better. I have no shame in saying that taking shots with my family made me feel better. not something I do every week. the next day after the break up and drunkenness, I re-evaluated my relationship and really just tried to see the good in ME. and tried to remember that I am awesome. I didn’t do anything wrong. I will find a nice boy, I just am going to date a bunch of a-holes first.

I am going to a club tomorrow. I’ve been to an actual club TWICE, and not because I wanted to but because I was a maid of honor and a bridesmaid. So, tomorrow is kind of a big deal. I’m doing it because i want to try something new. and because I feel like I need to. and part of it is also like a Fu(k you to him. in fact, I already know what I am wearing. this is something I would never wear, but tomorrow is open to anything. I feel like I want to go out and feel attractive and have boys buy me a drink. I’m not looking to rebound or anything. I just want to feel pretty. and like I can throw down in the club. I want to feel beautiful and not self conscious. So, I am going to go out tomorrow with my girlfriends and just have a fun ME time. No more crying over someone who was a passing figure in my life…

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The left picture of me is after I lost 25 pounds in Dec 2011 at 275. I’m wearing a 2x skirt and a 2x top.

The right picture is what I am wearing tomorrow. I am at 182. I’m wearing a Medium shirt and a Large skirt.

I’m actually thinking of wearing a lower cut t-shirt to show my goodies, lol.

 

love March 7, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 9:36 am

weight: 182.5

he told me he loved me.

It freaked the hell out of me. We’ve been dating one month (as of this Saturday) and have gone on about 10 dates. I always thought love would come a long way down the road.

I didn’t say it back. I just can’t say those words unless I am sure. and I’m not.

He was completely understanding, and told me when I tell him, he’ll know I mean it and that it’s special. But that he still is positive he loves me. He told me he won’t tell me those words if it makes me uncomfortable or pressured.

it’s overwhelming.

 

my boyfriend :) oohhh and also 170s here I come! March 4, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 9:17 am

weight: 183.1

I’m trying so hard to get into the 170s. I want to be overweight so bad!! I think I am going to have to up my exercise. My cousin is coming to visit me on Saturday, so I am excited. Hopefully, I’ll stay on track with my calories. He and the family tend to eat big portions, and I know he wants to have a big bbq. I’m trying so hard, but I feel like my weight loss has been harder now that I am in onederland. sometimes I have days where I’m like “I look good at 180. may be this is it”.  But, I now deep down that i’m not satisfied with my weight yet. So, i refuse to give up.

In other news, my Boyfriend (!) and I made it official a couple of weeks ago. We will have been dating a month this Saturday. I thought having a BF might make me more likely to gain some weight (like who cares, if he likes me anyway). But, it’s made me better. He actually lost 80 pounds in two years doing Paleo. So, he understands weight loss. He understands me! it still scares me that he is super health man (ie strict PALEO and gym). and he’s at goal weight (150). He doesn’t have stretch marks despite losing so much weight. Why!!? It would make it easier if he had body flaws He told me he’s not 100% happy with his body, but I look at him and I’m like you look great. I don’t see any effects of him once being 230 lbs. in fact, if he hadn’t showed me a picture I wouldn’t have believed him. Last time he showed me his “love handles” to show me how he is insecure about his body. I was like “what love handles? You don’ thave any!” I guess our perception of our bodies is different. We are most critical of ourselves. but i really DO have love handles and stretchmarks. :(

But, he’s awesome. Can’t believe what a great guy he is. I’m still waiting for us to have our first disagreement or argument. again. Okay enough mushy talk. I need to kick myself into gear. I WILL get to the 170s dammit!