losing it

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cupcakeswithlessfrosting.com March 19, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 12:50 pm

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countdown to 129. March 18, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 7:34 am

weight: 135

midway through the 130s, I’m really hoping to get to 120s. 129. that’s it. I also really want to slim it down. these 4’s I’m wearing feel a little looser, so may be I’m toning up more now that I’m doing Insanity.

I’m meeting my boyfriend’s parents at the end of May. 2 months. I really want to make a great impression. I want them to like me so much. I know my boyfriend loves me regardless of what his parent’s think, but I still want their approval. I’ve never met someone’s parents. It’s a big deal, right? I think our plan is to stay in Georgia for about 2 weeks so that I can really get to know his family and friends, and where he grew up. After, we plan on going to a family vacation with my kind (Las Vegas !) and then off to Colorado. So, it’ll be a busy May/June for me. I want to get as close to 129 as possible. If I really go at this hardcore, I can do it.


insanity re-start March 3, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 2:19 pm

weight: 136

I started Insanity yesterday (again). I’m not sure if I’m going hardcore on it, though. My boyfriend wants to do T25, and since he’s moving in in mid April (ahhhhhhh!!!), that may be a better choice that I will follow through with. I’m really excited for him to move in with me. He is trying to lose weight, so I know that he will be motivated to work out with me and to eat healthy. But, I’m not just excited because we will hold each other accountable. I’m excited because I love him. I’m in love with him. I have a really good feeling about this, and I know that this is leading into the right direction. We’ve discussed it, and he’s said that he sees marriage and all that good stuff in our future, which is good coming from a guy who never saw himself going there again (he was almost engaged at one point many many years ago). I feel like I will be having some great experiences in the future, and I am beyond excited to experience them with him. :D


pics February 26, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 11:45 am

weight: 137 (double argh).

When I was 300 pounds, I never wore a bathing suit. hell, I never felt comfortable wearing shorts or skirts and dresses. This past summer, I really went out of my comfort zone and decided to wear these clothes. I’ve seen many bigger women wear shorts and dresses and look absolutely beautiful, but I never had the confidence. now that I am smaller, i still don’t have that much confidence, but it’s something that i am really working hard on. I’ve written before how hard it is to see myself as this smaller person–heck as a SMALL person. someone called me little the other day, but my mind can’t accept those descriptions of my body because i was bigger for so long. I wonder if I will ever truly see myself as small? or normal? I have only been in maintenance for a few months, so may be when I can say I’ve kept the weight off for a few years I’ll be used to this new body? anyway…

I am planning on going on a beach vacation the summer and I am going to have to wear a bathing suit. this is a pic of me in bathing suit last year, and then last night with about a 20 pound difference. I only really see my thighs are smaller, although my torso seems a bit more lean. But in the pic of me sideways, i think you can really see a difference where I have lost my pudginess/roundness. My arm fat is a lot less as well, and that’s a huge problem area for me (it’s why I always wear sleeves. One of the things I really want to do this summer is wear spaghetti straps and sleeveless dresses. My arms don’t look as bad as I thought, but I definitely am hoping to really tone up my legs and arms and may be lost those 5-10 pounds by July when I go on my vacation and I wanted these pics as reference.

I also included a pic of me in a more formal party dress and skirt/blouse combo. I really want to look beautiful when I meet my boyfriend’s family in May and these are some outfits I may wear to a wedding and a graduation. I can’t believe that I am in a serious relationship. For someone who was a hermit when it came to dating a year ago, this is mind boggling.


change February 18, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 10:36 am

weight: 136

My brother is doing awesome. They took out his respirator, he’s off of the morphine. He looks great. In fact, the doctors say he is doing better than they expected. They told us he may get to come home by the end of the week (may be sooner). He looks so alert, he’s talking and laughing. Don’t get me wrong, he is in pain and he is struggling in his own way. But, for what he’s been through he is making an amazing recovery. I can’t wait to have him home. In a moment of family bonding and unity, my cousins and uncles and aunts all decided to re-do my brother’s home. We started this weekend by priming and painting and moving furniture. But, we didn’t expect him to get out so soon, so we are rushing to buy the furniture we had planned. We want him to come home to a beautiful and relaxing home. He’s going to have a hard time adjusting to his scars and what he went through, so the least we could do is make him comfortable and happy.

My boyfriend asked me to move in with him. Not just move in, move away. He got a job opportunity and he would like me to go with him. Then, this happened with my brother and we said we’d hold off until June. So, I could potentially be moving out of state with my boyfriend. It’s so weird and random, but it feels very right. I’m very unhappy at my current job, and I feel like I need a change. I told him we would go. We are so excited to live together. It’s going to be so different if this happens. Right now, we are considering staying in LA until the end of the year, but no matter what we are moving in together. The only reason we are considering staying in cali is because I don’t know what my brother’s recovery is going to look like right now, and I don’t want to commit to moving if he is going to need me.

I don’t know how I am going to tell my parents. While they are not super conservative, living with a boy (who I’ve been dating for only a year) is going to be hard for them. I’ve never moved in with someone (he hasn’t either despite almost being engaged about 7 years ago). But, it feels so right. I don’t know how long couples usually wait, but moving in seems like the next logical step. I’m already staying at his place about 4 nights anyway, I have some of my stuff over there. It also makes sense because I really want to leave my job. I could help him with his business, or I could also look for another career. Moving away seems so unlike me, and yet exactly like me. I want to take that chance.


brother’s illness February 12, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 1:58 pm

weight: 136

My brother had to go into emergency surgery last week. We thought he had something very small and doctors couldn’t figure out what was wrong with him. he was in hospital, getting worse day by day for about 3 days before doctors realized he had a rare form of a flesh eating bacteria. After the emergency surgery, he had to have even more surgeries (less complicated) every day since it happened. They finally told us yesterday that he is on the right path and that he’s getting better. I haven’t heard his voice since the first surgery as they have had him on a respirator and sedated, but I’ve been visiting him daily. My diet and exercise have basically gone out the window at this point. I did weigh myself this morning and it was fine. But, my mind isn’t in this right now. I just want my brother back home. I want him to be healthy and strong and be that exuberant personality that I know and love. It’s hard to go into his hospital room in the ICU and see him sedated, see him with bandages all over his head where they operated. Things like this shouldnt happen, especially not to people like him.

Family came from everywhere. My boyfriend stayed with me at the hospital. It was a beautiful thing to see so many people who love and care for my brother. I have hope that he will beat this, that the worse has passed. And it can only make us stronger.


love. February 4, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 7:59 pm

weight: 137

Weight exercise news: I joined a new challenge on 3fc that focuses on changing habits (versus weight). I have some bad habits (diet coke, candy snacking) and I’d like to change them. I also feel like this is a good way to begin exercising more. so far, my weight hasn’t really changed. I hover from 135-139. but I’m hoping eventually to see a 120-something this year. before the summer preferably. before spring break, if I’m being honest.

relationship news: He told me he loved me. I’ve been waiting for him to say it, hoping he would say it, dreading that he didn’t feel the same way. I didn’t have much experience with boys until the last year, and so it was hard for me to judge whether or not he felt the same way. He treated me like he loved me, but he never said those words. when he finally did, it was perfect. it was right. I didn’t even have to think about it. I said it right back because I love him. despite our many differences, I love him. I didn’t have to think about it, saying it came so naturally. almost a year ago I had a very bad experience with that word. Someone told it to me and I couldn’t respond in like. at first, i thought it was because I was scared. But now with time and reflection and with this experience at love, I understand my hesitation last year was because I knew I didn’t feel the same. This time, things are so different. It’s terrifying. and beautiful.


January 13, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 10:49 am

weight: 138 * (holiday weight!)

I’m at 138. But, I’m not freaking out too much. I know I haven’t been sticking to my calories like I should and I’ve been indulging in some really good food. I’m working on losing these 3 pounds, but I’m not obsessing about it. I’ll be 135 in no time.

I am joining a new challenge on 3fc that focuses more on nutritional and exercise goals versus scale, and I think this will definitely help me in reaching my goal of being the healthiest I can be. I’m excited for 2014. It seems like I will have a great year with new experiences and with a much happier and confident outlook.


I finally started exercising again. I had the back issue a few months ago, and I’ve been putting off hiking and gym for a while because of it. With the new year, I decided to go ahead and start again. I’m going easy, but that’s okay. I went on two hikes last week and went on a nice walk with my bf as well. I also did the first day of Insanity. Insane. I’m hoping to lose body fat and gain muscle. At this point, my weight going lower than 135 isn’t really my priority. I mean, if it lose more weight and get to the 120s, I’ll take it. For my height, 120s is acceptable. But, I’m not going to make it my mission to get there. If it happens it happens. My mission is to look leaner and may be that means I will be gaining pounds in muscle. Time will tell.


My boyfriend has gained some weight in the 6 months that we’ve been dating. A lot of factors contributed to this. He is new to the state (been here 7 months), he moved twice while here, and he’s happy. LOL. He’s just overindulged and he recognizes that. He took the first step this past Sunday. We took an hour walk to the beach. He lives 10 minutes from there, so it’s a convenient exercise for them. I definitely think he can lose weight and I’m really proud of him for making the decision to get healthier. he’s lost 50 pounds before (a few years ago) and even now he has the body of an athlete. He is sturdy, has soccer calves, and his weight gain is all extra tummy. He wants to get a 6 pack again, which apparently he had about 6 years ago. Which got me to thinking. Can I get abs? I’ve been looking online and most people say to get abs, you need to have a low body fat percentage and that it depends on your body type. So I wonder if I become leaner and build more muscle mass, can I get abs? I’m not looking for a 6 pack, but I want some sort of definition on my already flat tummy. My boyfriend wanting to lose weight and get healthy has given me a renewed determination. I’m not looking at the number on the scale, but I definitely want to be leaner.


New Year, New Me. For Real January 6, 2014

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 4:55 pm

weight: unsure. on vacation but probably around 136-138

I went back on my blog for last years new years resolution. Last year, my goal was to get to goal (at the time that was 149). And I did it. I surpassed it. I am at around 135. This year, I don’t know what my resolutions should be. Every year for the last few years my resolution has been to get healthier and to lose weight, and not this year I am there already. I really don’t need to lose anymore weight. So, my resolution is to get healthy. Healthier. I want to really start doing more weights and running. I want to run a 5k again. Not sure if my back will allow me to do so, but meanwhile I am going to try to strengthen my back my doing Yoga and weights. so instead of resolutions, here are the active things I want to accomplish this year.

1. Skydive.

2. Horseback Ride.

3. Hike bridge to nowhere.

4. be able to do 1 pullup. yes, 1.

5. Zipline.

i actually recently accomplished #2. I went horseback riding and snowboarding! My boyfriend took me on a vacation for NYE and I basically did things I would have never attempted when I was bigger.

I remember looking up horseback riding weight limits when I was bigger, and many places had a cap or extra fee at 230. and as for snowboarding, I just physically wasn’t in shape to really do that. But that’s how I started the new year. It was awesome.

And guess what. I HATED snowboarding. I was terrible. NO coordination what so ever, although it wouldn’ve been worse at a bigger weight (standing up from down position was hard). But, the point is even though snowboarding is not for me, I was able to TRY it, and make that decision in stead of wondering.

Good luck everyone on your new years goals and resolutions. You can do this.


new year December 25, 2013

Filed under: Uncategorized — kisskiss @ 5:39 pm

weight: 135

so, I had the talk with my two bffs. I was very upset with them because I feel like they just aren’t good friends anymore to me, especially one of them who i have known the longest. In the end, we were all unwilling to end it. IT’s too hard. We chose to pretend we would compromise. The thing is, I don’t think it’ll work. I think we are far too different people to ever be good friends again, and I think so much has happened (so many events that I feel have been a slap to my face), that I can never ever really forgive. But, for now, I will try. I hate that we’ve lost this friendship, but I’m also very accepting of it at this point. I just have so much going for me that I don’t want negativity to bring me down. So, we’ll see where these friendships go. Maybe they can be repaired, may be they can’t.

My boyfriend went home for Christmas. he’s been gone 8 days, and has about 3 more days before he’s back here in LA. WE are planning on spending NYE snowboarding and having fun. I am so excited! I’ve missed him so much, more than I thought I would. He’s only been gone a week, but I guess I didn’t realize how much we hang out, how much I think about him, and how much I like to See him and spend time with him. It scares me, because I’m pretty much in love with him. It’s worked so well. We get each other. It’s not perfect but it is. The thing is, I’ve started to think “what if I do want kids down the road”. He’s made it clear he’s not changing his mind despite being only 27. He’s made it up, kids aren’t in his path now or ever. I don’t know if I want kids, so is this really a dealbreaker? Is there a compromise? I miss him when he’s not hre for a week, I can’t imagine him not being with me. ahhhhh!!!! grown up questions suck.


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