Look who’s Losin’ it…

Oh gawd I just got spammed here, big time. I changed my settings so it should go away hopefully. 17 comments on one post, wow! I was pretty psyched until I realized what it was.

The soft shell jacket/coat from LL Bean is a dud, I ordered the large, but it was too big… normally not an issue for me! It was too roomy in the torso, but if I went down a size it would be too small in the chest. Plus it wasn’t exactly what I had in mind. Bummer… I suppose I should not shop mail order catalogs, because I can’t visualize how stuff will look on me. Especially now when I’m learning what’s flattering on me. I want to show off my body a little, but what looks good? What do I feel comfortable in?

I’m exchanging the jacket for a ski coat on sale. It’s lightweight, which is great since the last thing I want is to resemble the Michelin Man. But it’s “cayenne”, an orange-y color that normally I’d shy away from. I’m going for it anyway. So what if I look like a big pumpkin? It may look good with my red hair, and it will definitely stand out on my walks.

I know it’s just a silly jacket. But it’s also my 1st major clothing purchase since losing weight. I bought a swimsuit but this is different. Winter coats last forever! It’s feels like a BIG commitment. Well, I’m returning the other jacket today and will just wait and see on the new one.

I’m nervous the weight will come back. I like being smaller, I really really do and want to do whatever it takes to stay this way. I have this fear that all my hard work will go up in smoke, like it’s all a dream and I’ll have to go back to wearing big clothes, feeling miserable and ugly. When I gained in the past it came on SO fast (or seems that way looking back). It scares me that the same can happen again. I’m getting used to my body, and the confidence. When will this anxiety go away?

DH and I celebrated our 6th wedding anniversary Tuesday by hiking up a mountain. The last time we went hiking together was on our wedding trip, so it really felt like a big deal.

A year ago the thought of doing something active wouldn’t have crossed my mind. The usual celebratory ritual: dinner, a movie, and topped off with a big dessert. Okay we still had a nice dinner at home afterward… steak, baked potato and salad. But the highlight of the day was the beauty of the rocky trail, stunning fall colors, and of course the view from the top of Camel’s Hump mountain. Just breathtaking.

It’s a 2.4 mile hike up to the top, and as we made our way up I couldn’t help but notice how good I felt. I also found myself thinking back on the days when I would physically be unable to make it all the way up. When I was 21 I hiked up Sandia mountain in NM a few times by myself, maybe a 7-8 hour hike. It’s a good feeling to be fit enough to hike a mountain again, albeit a small one!

Here are a few pics of me and DH now, and 6 years ago on our wedding day. I am probably 35 pounds lighter now.

October 6 2009, 6th wedding anniv. hike;… October 6 2003, 30+ lbs heavier

10-06-2009 hike, Camel’s Hump-VT;…  10-06-2003 hike, Maine

10-06-2009 hiking up the mountain; me and Joe 10-06-2003

My LL Bean jackets came in the mail, and they look good! I’m excited to try them out on a chilly day. The black one, which I got to replace my oversized puffy coat from last year, is warm enough (supposedly) to wear in all but the coldest weather. It’s a little loose in the torso. Because I am well-endowed, I ordered the large. If my boobs were just a wee smaller, a medium would have looked better. Never in a million years would I guess that one day I’d think a large was too big!.

Also ordered a lightweight hooded jacket… a men’s (a large… the smallest size they offered in this style). The color is awesome, a periwinkle blue which looks vibrant and happy. Perfect for my walks in cooler weather and drizzles. This one is BIG… DH assured me it didn’t look like a tent on me, so that’s okay. Lots of room to layer up when it’s chilly.

Where’s the cold weather? I’m anxious to go on a run in my new things!

154.5 today. My weight is holding steady in the mid-150’s, which is a huge relief to me now that I’m on hiatus from the diet. No measuring, counting calories, tracking… nada. I’m going rogue!

But seriously, maintaining this weight in a “normal” way is a really big deal to me. I’m nervous, but also kind of excited too. For the first several days after going off plan, it was hard to get in the groove, to shake the diet-mind. It was hard not to add up the calories in my head while I ate. I still have an impulse to grab my color-coded exercise chart after I take a walk or run. I still step on the scale a few times a week, but this habit I’ll keep, although I have cut back and feel less compulsive about it. As long as I remember to weigh in on Sunday mornings… that’s my ritual.

It’s going pretty well so far. I feel much less freaked out that I’ll lose control. I’m fine. It’s all good…

I just ordered this jacket from LL Bean. Yay! The winter coat I got last winter, size 1X, was too big on me even at my heaviest weight. The color, a dull grayish dirt color that made me feel invisible, is NOT the look I’m going for any more. Uh-uh. So I boxed up the coat and sent it back. I suppose it was a symbolic gesture, to release the old sad me and embrace the new…

I’m excited. And anxious. And nervous. My new coat is black, slightly form-fitting, lightweight and, based on the reviews, a very attractive and flattering jacket. I’ve worn a size XL or XXL for so long that wearing a Large now is like waking from a dream, speaking a foreign language… it’s wonderful! And surreal too, to bypass the XL and click on the L (gulp!). After staring at the size chart forever, I called customer service for reassurance that the jacket didn’t run small. Then, *click*… it’s done.

Of course a part of me is dreading that it won’t fit. If it’s way too snug I’m fully prepared to berate myself, “who do you think you are, buying a normal size??… what were you thinking??” BUT, I bet it’ll look great. That I’ll feel good wearing it. That I’ll LOVE it and feel motivated to keep my weight down, knowing that I can’t hide 10 or 20 extra lbs unlike every other bulky coat I’ve ever owned. Anyway, I’m excited about the purchase and my DH is probably sick of me talking about it, so there… it’s out of my system.

I’m already feeling like a total loser for (see previous post)… I’m not giving up, I’m not I’m not I’m not. Oh, how I hate my all-or-nothing thinking.

I have decided to take my foot off the gas for a while, until I get comfortable at my new weight. Much to my surprise a few old eating disorder patterns cropped up in the past few weeks. What the–? I thought I was cured for crying out loud! I suppose that getting close to my goal is putting pressure on me, and the enormity of my progress so far… I’m still in shock! So until I get over myself and accept that I am getting thinner, I am going into a holding pattern mode for a while.

Up until now I have kept my weight loss pretty private… I may have told certain people I was dieting but never divulged details of my progress. It was my little (big) secret and I did’nt want to jinx it. Then I shared some new photos on facebook, and the positive feedback from friends and family was pretty overwhelming. But this is my new reality… I can’t hide anymore behind the safety of extra pounds. I have to get used to feeling good about my body, and people noticing!

I’ve given this a lot of thought (probably too much, lol). Growing up I watched my mom diet… she would lose weight, then gain it back, again and again. It was like a race to see how fast she could lose it, how much she could lose. Then of course the weight would come back just as quickly. I have so few photos of my mom from back then. She (like me) refused to have her picture taken when she looked fat. I don’t want to be like that anymore! I don’t want to look back one day with regrets.

But, I’m not my mom. This isn’t a race. My gut is telling me to slow the f#ck down, so I will listen. I’m not my mom and I don’t have to follow her example. There’s no rush after all. I am looking at this as a great time to regroup, and practice how to maintain the weight I’ve already lost.

+2.5 lbs. (Sigh…)

Somehow I’m not surprised by the scale creeping up a little in the past week.  My trip to NM threw my plan out of whack, and I’ve been lazy about tracking my food intake and calories since my return. A few small binges, too… ugh. The fact that I ate Mexican food every day and drank wine and booze, and still managed to lose 3 pounds on vacation..? It’s like my body’s moving faster than my mind can process. And getting so close to goal is freaking me out too. Only 10 pounds from goal, I can see the finish line, oh crap! Elation and fear all wrapped in one.

When I started losing weight back in February, I didn’t foresee how far I would go with it. Initially I just wanted to get back to where I was before meds and health issues added 20 extra pounds to my already heavy frame. I really dedicated myself to getting healthy, and the first 20 lbs came off pretty easily. So I set a new goal (153) when I joined the 3FC forum, which seemed realistic and not too scary (I have old eating disorder issues). The weight kept coming off as I fine-tuned my exercise and eating, so I lowered my original goal by 10 lbs to 143. I liked the nice round number, to say “I lost 50 pounds”…

I don’t know if it was all the positive feedback from my BFF and family, seeing good photos of myself, anxiety over the “finish line”, getting close to a weight that brings back unhappy memories of my bulimic days, or all of the above, that is throwing me off from the neat little path I was on. But I have definitely noticed in the past week that my head’s not in the game.

I have been very lucky to steadily lose weight pretty much from day one. And spoiled! Well, news flash… I’m not perfect (wha…?), or invincible. I have come pretty far since I began this life-changing journey. A few pounds in the big picture? Not the end of the world. I’ll get back in the saddle, kick myself in the butt and keep moving forward. I’ve come this far for crying out loud! Besides, what’s the rush? I want to continue to pace myself, and not make a mad dash for the finish line.

Yes I’m scared of what life will be like as a thinner person. Part of me wants to be invisible like before, avert my eyes from my reflection, wear dark baggy clothing, use my weight as an excuse for really living… it’s a miserable yet familiar place to be. I know it’s totally irrational, and it’s not how I really feel now. So I go on my walks and sift through all these feelings, and thank god for my walks because I can’t afford a therapist anymore!

Okay that’s all for now. I told you this was a rant!

I made the eggplant dish last night. I had to call my mom to clarify a few details, but it turned out great! DH loved it. I changed it a little by topping it with tomato sauce and fresh grated parmesan cheese. It used up 3 (small) eggplants, and I have 5 more. Maybe I’ll make the same dish again but double the recipe… or take someone’s advise and make eggplant parmesan. And then there’s a bag of sweet peppers to do something with… (sigh!)

Gathered a few leaves out on my run today… the colors are phenomenal. I love seeing the golden leaves blowing across the roadway, and red leaf footprints here and there. I can’t believe summer’s over! But I love fall, breaking out the blankets and warm socks and sweaters. Which reminds me… NONE of my old winter clothes fit me. Everything’s too baggy. This time last year I was 40 pounds heavier. I was a size 16 and now a size 14 is too big… I think somewhere between a 10 and 12 is where I am right now. In 10 pounds, who knows? Honestly, I cannot recall the last time I wore a size 10, let alone any size below that. I’m still pinching myself… is this real? Am I really shrinking? I wonder when someone gets used to their newer, thinner body.

I talked to my brother Don after talking with my mom… they both saw my Facebook photo album from the New Mexico trip, and both said how good I looked. I was kind of sheepish about it, brushed off their compliments and said I’m feeling really healthy, as in “no big deal”. But it felt GREAT to hear their praise… I totally ate it up. I haven’t seen anyone in the family for almost 2 years, and as shallow as it sounds, I am looking forward to seeing them partly because of the weight I’m losing. It boosts my confidence, and cuts back on my anxiety some. No plans as of yet for family get-togethers… but I feel pretty good about seeing them now.