(Maintaining Me) RE-Creating Me

Feel like puking.  That’s a nice start to a post, isn’t it?  Must have something to do with the black and white cookie and handful of doritos I just threw down my throat like a garbage disposal.  See, I decided that THATS IT!  Tomorrow I am back on track!  And as soon as I do that, it’s like my other (evil half) says Well then, you may as well get what you can tonight!  So as I was picking up DS’s albuterol, I hit the bakery aisle too.  AND I almost added a bag of M&Ms at the checkout, but I managed to resist those.  Now I feel awful, and my jeans feel tight.

DS informed me at 5:40 that he really felt well enough to sing and wanted to go to the concert.  20 minutes to leave, got everyone ready and out the door.  I am glad we went though.  Actually, this is sort of the best concert to have went to - it was just MS and HS chorus (no elementary and no band) so it was much quicker.

We just got home and although I have a TON of things to do - dishes, laundry, tomorrow’s lunches, floors, and was supposed to clean downstairs bathroom today - I am sitting here because something feels not right with me lately.  There is something different and it is throwing me all off, and there is one change I can come up with that coincides exactly with me sort of falling apart here, and that is my relationship status.  Thing is, I am not upset to be single.  It was my choice and I do stand by it and I am happier single than I was in a relationship with R!  Sure, the dating kind of sucked, but I still enjoyed that.  But I guess this is the first time in a long, long time that I don’t have some sort of man in my life.  No man to look pretty for, to shave for (lmao, sorry girls), to be skinny for even?  I don’t conciously think like that, but maybe subconciously I do?  I’m not sure.

All I know is tonight my jeans were T I G H T.  Tighter than they have ever been since I bought them.  (btw, even my bra feels tight!) At one point I remember them being baggy, thinking could I possibly need a size 6 instead of an 8?  But now they are plain uncomfortable.  So much so that I put them on, walked around for 3 minutes and took them back off because they were a painful reminder of how much I have been slacking lately.  At first I thought they would be good - self flagellation?  A little pain sitting in tight jeans as punishment?  But then I thought, you know, that is only going to make me feel worse, so I changed.  But damn.  What a slap in the face.

And I have been exercising!  I really have been doing well at the gym!  (except tonight, missed kickboxing because we went to chorus concert) (also, board meeting tomorrow night, no gym then either! ugh)

I just want to be normal.  It is like I am always obsessed with food, even when I am being good!  When I am eating healthy, I am OBSESSED with eating healthy, constantly thinking about it, logging it, planning, etc.  When I am being bad, well, I am just plain obsessed with food.  Why can’t I be one of those people where food doesn’t cross my mind until my stomach growls, and then I think, “oh yeah, I haven’t eaten in 5 hours”.  Nope, not me.  I finish my lunch and am planning my snack and dinner.  

My food is my mother’s vodka, my father’s beer, my stepfather’s cocaine.  And I know, it will never be normal for me.

Kelly, here is your wake up call.  Time to reel yourself back in honey.

I’m here!  I’m here!

Not doing well lately.  I haven’t been tracking my food into TDP and it shows.  And I am tired.  Sigh. 

Work is frustrating today.  The director of HR is recommending me to be the Lead HR on a huge out of state transition, which is nice.  Will require some travel.  The issue is the customer pretty much tells us like, the day after they need us to start.  Everything is currently on hold, but I would like there to be some soft plans in place for when we finally get the go-ahead.  Anyway, same director gave me a slight tap on the wrist.  I have NEVER been spoken to before in all my life (re: work, lol).  It was a formality, and he actually sided and agreed with me, but was required to remind me who I could and couldn’t discuss things with.  Someone really ticked me off … she is worried about her job (shes not even my employee) and I totally get that, but she went to corp about it and by her having certain info, it implicated me, and that wasn’t even the way it happened!  So that really, really bothers me.  Boss doesn’t know because it involves him too.  There is this whole realignment going on within the exec mgmt team and it is really making people panic.  Not layoffs, just whose-reporting-to-who stuff.

Anyway … yesterday I made two recipes from my new cookbook.  One was a garlic feta mashed potatoes (yum!!) and a creamy dijon chicken (also yum!).  As promised, they were quick and good!  While I was making mashed potatoes I also boiled a few for potato salad, and threw that together as well.  I am not sure what dinner tonight will be … I have corn on the cob and potato salad, maybe I will make some turkey burgers. 

Breakfast was nutrigrain waffles with strawberries and light syrup, lunch was LC panini.  Snack was 3 more of those chocolate cluster things.  They are all gone now.  I am not touching the thin mints (GS cookies).  There is NOTHING thin about them!

I kept DS home again today because he is still wheezing a lot.  He is also missing the spring concert tonight.  :-)  Ohhh, it’s just too bad.  :-)  I will really miss it! :-D  He has never missed one in his 4 years of chorus, so she will have to deal.  She is very stern, I am afraid to talk to her! lol

That also frees up tonight for kickboxing! 

Okay, I think I have about a half hour free for comments, etc. and I feel like I have a LOT of catching up to do.  Hugs!

Monday, 9:35 am and I am already super-frustrated.

Where do I begin … my weekend summary, or how this morning went?  I guess I will start at the beginning.  Friday night, took the kids down on the train.  I decided to take a walk around Times Square since it was so beautiful out.  Treated myself to an iced coffee and walked around and then hit the TKTS booth.  The shows that I haven’t seen, that I want to see, are all sold-out shows so I knew there wouldn’t be anything there, but figured I’d see what was available.  It was a toss up between Irena’s Vow and Rock of Ages.  Irena’s Vow is very serious, and a play - not a musical - so I decided I wasn’t in the mood for that.  I got one VERY ORNERY Tkts booth person who was no help and wouldn’t tell me where the seats were located, what a jerk.  Walked around some more, came back one last time before I decided to head home and tried another line where the guy was much nicer, and since I was purchasing a single seat I got in the 3rd row orchestra for 50% off to see Rock of Ages.

I wasn’t sold on it before I went to see it … 80’s rock music, a cheesy love story/rock concert mix.  But Constantine was the lead role, and although I am not an American Idol fan, I’ve heard good things about him.  So, 7:40 pm I decided what the hell, bought the ticket and went.

I.  Heart. Rock of Ages.

Okay, I love pretty much every show I see, I realize that.  But I REALLY LOVED IT.  I love it even more than (shhh, don’t tell Lin) In The Heights, which I think is a somewhat comparable type of show.  Normally, my favorite shows are the dramatic, throught-provoking, leave you sobbing in your seat type musicals.  This one was just pure FUN, no other way to put it.  They sang all the great 80s rock music - Journey, Bon Jovie, Styx, REO Speedwagon - and even though that typically isn’t my favorite kind of music, I grew up around it and knew most of the words and would keep catching myself singing along.  And the story line was adorable.  And Constantine made an AWESOME ROCK STAR.  Seriously, he was breathtaking.  They gave out fake “lighters” that lit up to wave around.  It was just amazing.  I am totally going back with SBFF this summer … if we can get tickets.  It’s nominated for several Tonys so after June 7th, if they win something, getting tickets will be really tough.

Anyway, I ended up having no dinner Friday and then having a lousy cupcake on the train ride home - which really was lousy.  I woke up Saturday morning to the sound of a lawn mower and thought to myself, “I am going to write that company that cuts my neighbors lawn a letter letting them know about the noise ordinance times, etc.” then opened my eyes and saw it was 10:53!  I jumped out of bed, brushed my teeth, threw my hair up, and made it to my yoga/pilates class at the other gym at 11:30.  Class was good.  Then I went to have breakfast at Starbucks, and did some food shopping at a farm market nearby that I absolutely love.  Well, it isn’t a “Farm Market” like an outdoor one - but it is CALLED a farm market.  Think - locally owned indepent Trader Joe type market, with a giant cheap produce section.  That’s a pretty accurate description.  I got lots of fruits and veggies, cheese, sushi (they have FABULOUS sushi somehow! lol), chicken, and a couple tomato plants, some annuals, and a big pot of several basil plants (more on this later!).  I went home, cleaned, read a little, then went out for a 45 minute brisk walk on the rail trail.  Cut the grass, showered, thought about heading out to the mall but instead went and rented a movie and did the remainder of my regular food shopping and relaxed at home - which is a first for me!

Sunday morning was up around 9:30, headed to my ‘home’ gym and did cardio/weights.  Then I got a call from XH that DS12 wasn’t feeling well and was up all night in the bathroom (will spare you the details, lol) so rather than take the train home he wanted to me drive and meet him somewhere thats like 1hr 15min from home … was his turn to bring them home but I couldn’t say no because of my sick baby, so that was my Sunday pretty much!  We got home, I made a southwestern chicken salad type dinner, and then cleaned all evening.

Which leads me to this morning.  Last night it was supposed to get down to 30 degrees so I brought my plants in from the patio (I haven’t planted them yet, was planning on doing that next weekend).  This morning I heard I weird scratching noise downstairs, like one of the ferrets were stuck in a bag or something … I go downstairs and see potting soil EVERYWHERE all over my dining room.  The basil was everywhere, ripped up … and the dirt … I wanted to cry.  The dining room chairs were upside down on top of the table because I had just mopped the floors late last night, soooo dirt all over the undersides of the chairs too, and the floor.  I took a picture, I will have to post it later.  Maybe by then I will laugh about it.  It sort of was comical, the look on Max’s face when he was caught.  He just stood still for a full minute looking at me - he knew!  So, I managed to half-assedly repot most of the basil plants, for now.  But I don’t have high expecations that the will survive.  We shall see.  This made me running majorly late this morning, and it STILL is not all cleaned up, and then in my rush I spilled coffee on the living room carpet.

Yup, so if this is any inclination on what my week is going to be like, I better prepare myself.

Will come back to post food and exercise … I keep miminizing this for the last hour so let me just publish.

 Okay I am back … breakfast was the new chocolate mini-wheats (but of course!) which were pretty good!  Lunch was tortilla crusted lean cuisine.  Snack was supposed to be a yogurt, but instead was four bite size chocolate clusters my boss brought me before he left for Copr HQ (grrrr).  Dinner - not sure yet.  Exercise is supposed to be gym tonight, but now I am heading to dr with DS so that may be put off.  He has mild flu-like symptoms which is really freaking me out, so really we are going for peace of mind.  I hope.  Will check in later to let you know it went fine … it will be fine.  I have to stop reading the internet!!!!!!

Okay - DS is fine, cold and asthma complications and a mother who worries too much and reads too much on the internet!

I didn’t get a great pic of the mess, but here is one to give you an idea.  The whole bottom of that chair is dirt, and all around it and on the floor.  Little brat! lol

PS - Don’t happen tp notice the Easter Egg tree.  I promise, undecorating Memorial Day weekend, lmao!

Mmmm.

Working at home today which I haven’t done in a while (for the full day, that is, lol) and that makes me VERY happy.  Sitting in my PJs sipping hot coffee.  Had to turn the news off though … several schools in Queens are closed now due to swine flu, and the kids are heading into Brooklyn for the weekend with XH and family and it makes me nauseous to think about it.  I packed hand sanitizer.  I know that we can’t stop living because of this, and SF was part of the reason why I kept them home last time they were supposed to go … but it still scares me.  Ugh.

I didn’t get to post at all yesterday.  Was really busy all day (still correcting people’s paperwork!).  Went to the last Kickboxing in my gym last night.  I’ve only been there a few weeks, and it was really sad!  I’d probably be in tears if I had been going there years, lmao.  People were really upset.  They were taking group pictures after each “last” class this week - not sure what the intend to do with them, but I was NOT getting in that pic after class! LOL

My ribs hurt.  Not good, not happy with this.  I see PS June 4th.  I think I just have to live with it though.

Today, my paperwork is complete for the most part and I need to just make some phone calls.  We are waiting to hear when the services for our employee is … I haven’t talked to his wife since Wednesday and I certainly don’t want to bother her, but he has many coworkers who want to pay their respects.  I set up with our EAP to have a grief counselor come out to the work site for a group session and then individual with anyone who wants it.  They were all shocked and devastated, but now they are all saying they don’t want to talk to anyone about it.  Well, at least I made if available if anyone changes their mind, he will be there.

So, I have no real plans for this weekend.  Train into the city tonight, sushi and starbucks on the way home.  SBFF may visit tonight, she is leaving early in the morning for the city so she is staying at her mom and dads tonight.  Tomorrow I am going to check out the other gym, and I might go for that mani/pedi that I won.  I am going to go through my new Cooking Light Superfast Suppers cookbook and pick out a thing or two for this week, and make my shopping list and go shopping.  I need to pick up DS12 some new summer shorts.  Sunday will try and go to the gym again … if I can take two classes this weekend at the gym further away, then I can do weights and cardio during the week and break it up with maybe just one class, which means only one trip over to the other gym on a weeknight.  If that makes any sense, lol.

Back to the cookbook … lots of really great looking stuff!  And I love the format.  A chapter that has make one batch of something, and then four recipes you can make from that one … and then other complete dinner menus, and a timeline of when to do what (everything is supposed to be quick and healthy).  However, I am not sure I believe the times.  Same as, if we cooked one of RR’s 30 min meals, would take me longer than half an hour, lol.  For example: Dijon Sirloin with Chipotle Mashed Potatoes - 15 minutes??  Okay, I just noticed they are using frozen mashed potatoes and then adding in all the stuff.  Anyway, there seems to be lots of good stuff here.  There is a yummy Greek Grilled Chicken Salad that I am thinking of trying soon …

Anyway, I suppose I should get to work.  It is easy to get sidetracked at home.  I do need to pack up the kiddos and stuff too. 

oh - last thing - we got a Sonic!  Is this a bad thing for me? lol  I don’t really eat fast food at all (snack.desserts are my downfall) but I have NEVER been to a Sonic and we just got one.  Will have to try it  just once (or am I better off not? lol)

Happy Friday!

If there were a paperworkhell, I am totally there.  I actually had three new hires so far this week that all had errors, and two had to be SENT BACK to them (they are at remote locations), and so far I only have one back and some documents are STILL WRONG.  I included a letter with a bulleted list, post it notes on EVERY page pointing out what needs to be corrected, AND went over it with them on the phone.  I mean .. what?!?!  This is STILL wrong??

Just the bad mood continuing I guess.  Thanks so much for the hugs yesterday.  I certainly needed it!  Today was the twin’s alphabet concert.  It was soooo cute.  Me being the emotional freak that I am, started tearing up watching all the kids file in.  I thought, these are my babies.  And my last babies.  My last kindergarteners.  Sniff Sniff.  (Don’t be mistaken - I don’t want more, lol!)  So I was trying to blink back the tears and the couple next to me have a son who sits at DS6’s table and apparently knew who I was (and I felt bad, because I had no clue who they were) so the wife said to me twice that DS looked so cute, and I didn’t realize she was talking to me!  Then finally I turned and she saw I was a little weepy and I felt like an idiot.  Oh well.  Hormones.

After my 3rd trip to the Post Office, I got a package off to Canada finally.  An ebay item someone wanted sent 1st class international, which you can’t do online and ended up to be a big pain!  This is why my auctions say US only!  But if someone asks, I always ship out.  Sorry my Canadian chicks, but the USPS makes it so damn difficult!

Just trucking through work today …  kind of quiet and sad here, understandably.  One bit of good news - I close on my refinance next Thursday.  O M G.  I *just* realized!  That is XH’s birthday! Lmao!  That’s what he wanted, wasn’t it!  The last little thread he had to dangle over me, lmao!  Ha ha ha!  This is great!  Funny how time heals … when we scheduled it for 5/21, it didn’t hit me that it was his birthday.  I thought to myself, “Gee, do I have something going on that day?” because it sounded vaguely familiar.  And it wasn’t until I was just typing that,that it hit me.  Lmao! 

I was a little sad, for the kids, that XH wasn’t there to see their Alphabet Concert.  It’s his loss, absolutely, but … lots of kids had not just moms and dads but grandparents too, and the twins had just me.  He doesn’t work until 3 pm, he could have totally made it if he wanted to.  He is just a selfish jerk.  They never ask, they know he doesn’t live close, but one day they will know and wonder. 

Breakfast today was eggbeaters on english muffin, lunch was lean cuisine, snack was banana this morning and an apple this afternoon.  Making a steak, rice and roasted asparagus for dinner.  Exercise today is Cardio/Weights at the gym. 

Okay, I have a couple hours missed to make up for this morning, I will be back later.

HUGS HUGS HUGS, love you all!

Deep breath.

It is one of those days that I feel like I am losing it.  TOM.  Work.  So frustrated, I want to trade in my life.  I lost an employee.  He passed away.  Heart attack (they think) at 54 yo.  A shock to everyone.  And I come home feeling grateful for my kids and all that I have, and all they can do is fight and drive me insane.  No one is ever satisfied.  They want ice cream for dessert, they get ice cream.  This one doesn’t like the ice cream.  The other one has a cupcake, one hits it out of other’s hand.  Third one is whining because she wants to trade in her ice cream for a different dessert also, even though she likes the ice cream, she just changed her mind.  In the matter of three minutes, there has been so much fighting and none of them realize how great they have it, and I just wish they only knew.

Kids today.  How do you better their lives, give them everything you never had, but still open their eyes to how it could have been for them?

I am on the phone tonight with my employees’ wife, discussing his beneficiaries, and the kids are trying to get my attention and little DS is hitting DD (but says he was kidding, after the fact) and I just wanted to scream.  I debated skipping the gym because 1) my time with the kids is so precious (that was before the fighting) and 2) I just didn’t feel like I had it in me … but I went.

I went, and now I wish I stayed there.

Tomorrow will be better.

I am eating a Dannon Light & Fit Orange Mango yogurt … it is really good!  Yum!

Good morning, afternoon, whatever it is, lol.  Thanks for your comments yesterday.  I perhaps was a little over the top (and Tom ended up arriving yesterday, gee, could ya tell? lol) BUT I am still disappointed.  I know you are right - I should just ASK, he is thinking of himself and honestly it probably didn’t even occur to him yet, amidst all the changes.  However, I am a big stubborn baby, and I feel like he should have extended the offer, he SHOULD have thought of it.  And because he didn’t, I don’t want to go with him.  I am probably only hurting myself, I realize that, but oh well.  There is also a little re-org going on and some things brewing that I will be probably be discussing in the future with Corp because I see some things happening that aren’t exactly right, and I can’t get into it.

Plus, I want to lose 5 pounds before I go.  There is always five pounds to lose for something, isn’t there?

So DD had her first filling last night.  This was a first for me as well, I never had a child with a cavity!  It was probably scarier for me because I KNEW what she was in for and she didn’t!  It was in her baby tooth, but a tooth which she will have for 3 more years so it had to be fixed.  She did great!  No tears, nothing.  And she got a cute sticker that said her tooth was asleep with a picture of a tooth on a pillow, lmao.  Then we went to Michaels to get some party supplies for a get together we are having next month, and then food shopping.  Didn’t get home until 8 pm, and then had to rush around doing everything like a madwoman.  No gym yesterday.  I did throw together some healthified macaroni salad last night for tonights dinner (see Renee, you put the bug in my ear, I had to do it!) and cooked some chicken for chicken salad too.

Tonight I will go to my Centergy class AND possibly stay for some cardio.  Tomorrow is weights, Thursday is Kickboxing.  Friday is no gym, have to take kids into the city to X.  Will do gym both Saturday and Sunday though, and maybe use the mani/pedi GC I won.  That will be nice.

This is the last week of classes at my gym and I still haven’t figured out what to do.  Those of you that suggested switching … the next closest gym IS the other gym that I belong to, so to LEAVE my gym entirely and go to another one, I am going two towns away.  Soooo, I still don’t know.

I keep minimizing this and coming back.  Breakfast today was nutrigrain blueberry waffles, light syrup, raspberries, coffee.  Mid-morning had the yogurt.  Lunch will be roasted turkey LC, dinner will be some lowfat chicken salad, macaroni salad and some other veggie on the side.

Okay let me post this, and I will come back later!  Hugs!

In the 9.5 years I have worked for my company, I have never, ever been to the Corp HQ.  It’s only a 5 hour drive or a quick plane ride (which I think I would skip - the trip is only in a smallish plane and that scares me).  Everytime some conference or training was scheduled that I was involved in, it always gets canceled.  And a lot of these people are people I work with every day, for yearssssssssss now!

So, my boss was invited to an Executive Committee mtg. next week at the HQ.  He is driving down, and he is only staying one night.  (And of course, he has been there MANY times over the years)  So, no travel costs for me, and one night hotel is all it would cost.  And he knows - forEVER - I have been waiting to go to meet all my coworkers.  They are always asking when I am coming, and HE KNOWS this.  We talk about it ALL the time!  After he found out he was going, half hour later the phone rings and it is the HR Director calling him.  I think - bingo! - this is my invite!  OF course … I’m HR, and why is he calling my boss?  I hear him chatting with him about going, and saying “Yes, that would be really nice!  I’ll see!”  Well, that was like an hour ago, and Boss has been in my office but never mentioned it, so I guess not.

This is the PERFECT OPPORTUNITY!  And I was not invited.  And I am totally pissed off.

And PMSing.

Will be back later. 

PS - My mother’s day was wonderful, but I am too grumpy to post about it now.  Hope everyone had a nice day.

I decided to stick to the two that my friends and family request most, so here are some pics.  The first is a butter cake based cupcake (almond butter cake) with raspberry filling and an almond butter cream icing.  Yum! 

Sadly, she did not win anything.  A moment of silence.  (I did note, however, that she was the first cupcakes ALL gone from the judges table).

And then, the Tiramisu Cupcake ….

Which was “Most Delicious” at the Cupcake Festival!!  And won me a manicure and pedicure at a very nice spa - not any place that I would have taken myself, so that will be a nice treat!

I am happy to have won something … but there were three judges and all three chose cupcakes, so there were actually three “most delicious” … So, I don’t have the title of being the SOLE most delicious cupcake, but that is the way they did it.  I did have one lady describe my cupcakes as being like crack …. ummm, I suppose that was a compliment? lol

Anyway, just finished mowing allllllllllll the yard and the damn hill I hate.  Need to shower and relax!  Just wanted to share.  Hugs!!

Eating my lunch of a Lemon Pepper fish LC right now.  I heart lean cuisines, but not this one!  It’s edible, which is more than I can say for some Smart Ones (sorry, SO fans!) but that’s about it.

So, yesterday afternoon I decided (or thought I had decided) that I may enter in a cup-cake bakeoff at a nearby town’s Cupcake Festival.  I am really on the fence about this.  I LOVE baking, and at least *I* wouldn’t be the ones eating these … but they are $ to make, I am a perfectionist, I am short on time, etc. etc.  Or am I making up excuses?  I don’t know.  I was going to enter my Tiramisu Cupcakes … and then possibly a Chocolate Covered Strawberry cupcake - or a Pink Lemonade Cupcake.  I don’t know.  I need to decide by tonight, obviously.  It would be fun.  But, Sunday I am busy all day and needed to use Saturday for errands/cleaning/etc.  OTOH, I can clean anytime (and I am always cleaning, it seems).  I don’t know.  How many times have I said “I don’t know”? lol

Yesterday 2 of 3 kids liked the summer salad I made.  I found this yummy simple lowfat (even though it isn’t labeled light or lowfat) Poppy Seed Dressing on allrecipes.  Yum!  I made this Chicken Broccoli Casserole for dinner also - with modifications - which the kids all devoured.

After dinner I was cleaning up and going back and forth: Kickboxing class or Cupcakes?  Was debating on running to the supermarket for ingredients.  Finally, I put on my new cute Nike short and t-shirt and went to kickboxing.  I will NEVER wear that again.  What was I thinking wearing 3″ inseam to kickboxing?  Not that anyone saw anything, but I was the only one in shorts that day (of course it’d work out that way!) and I felt really uncomfortable.  Anyway, stayed and did my kickboxing.  I really love that class.

Grey’s last night was fantastic!  Sniff sniff.  That is all I will say, just in case.

I wish I was near a Starbucks right now … mmmmm.  I could really go for a doubleshot on ice.

Today is day OFF after 8 days of gym, woo hoo!  Having leftovers for a quick dinner, then going to watch my godson’s little league game.  I bought 3 boxes of GS cookies from his sister - MBFF’s daughter.  Don’t worry, 2 out of 3 of them are going to my mom! lol … that does leave one though, hmmm.  Anyway, after that I will probably hit the grocery store.  Saturday morning - gym, then possibly cupcake bakeoff, mowing and cleaning, etc.

Sunday kids and I are taking a little road trip to see mom and will go see Disney’s Earth movie, and out to lunch.  Or late lunch/early dinner.  Something like that.

I will probably be here over the weekend, but in case I’m not (or you’re not! lol) HAPPY MOTHER’S DAY!  You guys are the greatest group of gals, and the best bunch of moms I know!  Really!

Hugs!